Humor #506

The Manhattan Commuter train was packed.  Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor.  Most necks were craned.  One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up.  He then asked, “Did anyone drop a half dollar?”

“I did,” answered three men at once.

“Well,” said the elderly gent with a smile, “here’s a dime of it.”

—–

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, “I’m so old. I’m so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment.”

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, “Damn, do you have good eyesight!” 
—–

Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.

One day Amy was upset because she thought her husband didn’t find her attractive anymore.

“As I get older he doesn’t bother to look at me!” Amy cried.

“I’m so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day.” replied Jamie.

“Yes,” answered Amy, “but your husband’s an antique dealer!”

—–

A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. “Do you watch much television here?”

“Only the daytime shows,” the inmate said. “At night we’re locked in our cells and don’t see any television.”

“That’s too bad,” the reporter said, “But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime.”

“What do you mean, nice?” the inmate said. “That’s part of the punishment.”

—–

A tour guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone Park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.

“Yes, I came face-to-face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.”

“What did you do?” the little girl asked.

“What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes, but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.”

 “How did you get away?”

“As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage.”

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