Humor #511

 A good ole Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looked at him and said, “What are you gonna do with that? There ain’t no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here.”

He said, “I won it and I’m a gonna keep it.”

His brother came over to visit several days later. He saw the wife and asked where his brother was. She said, “He’s out there in his bass boat,” pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother headed out behind the house and saw his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yelled out to him, “What are you doing?”

His brother yelled back, “I’m fishin’. What does it look like I’m a doing?”

His brother yelled, “It’s people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin’ everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I’d come out there and give you what for!”

 —–

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said.  “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

—–

 A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, “How was I born?”

“Well, honey,” said the slightly prudish mother, “the stork brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the boy. “And how did you and Daddy get born?”

“Oh, the stork brought us, too.”

“Well, how were Grandpa and Grandma born?” the boy persisted.

“Well, darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher, who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

 —–

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

“Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”

Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness – and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

—–

 My son stayed up half the night studying for his English literature exam. He would drink coffee almost constantly while attempting to read “The Canterbury Tales.” I awoke at 4:00 a.m. and found him studying. I asked him, “What have you got there?”

He answered, “Just my cup and Chaucer.”

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