Humor #512

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, “You are wrong. That’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”

Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”

—-

A physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

Be still, my heart, she thought, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

 —–

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.

Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.

“What have I done?” I asked.

“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling.

“I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies.”

—–

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”

“Really?” he said.  Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”

The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”

—–

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture.” The man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife,” said the man.