Humor #506

The Manhattan Commuter train was packed.  Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor.  Most necks were craned.  One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up.  He then asked, “Did anyone drop a half dollar?”

“I did,” answered three men at once.

“Well,” said the elderly gent with a smile, “here’s a dime of it.”

—–

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, “I’m so old. I’m so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment.”

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, “Damn, do you have good eyesight!” 
—–

Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.

One day Amy was upset because she thought her husband didn’t find her attractive anymore.

“As I get older he doesn’t bother to look at me!” Amy cried.

“I’m so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day.” replied Jamie.

“Yes,” answered Amy, “but your husband’s an antique dealer!”

—–

A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. “Do you watch much television here?”

“Only the daytime shows,” the inmate said. “At night we’re locked in our cells and don’t see any television.”

“That’s too bad,” the reporter said, “But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime.”

“What do you mean, nice?” the inmate said. “That’s part of the punishment.”

—–

A tour guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone Park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.

“Yes, I came face-to-face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.”

“What did you do?” the little girl asked.

“What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes, but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.”

 “How did you get away?”

“As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage.”

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Humor #505

 “Jet lag is nature’s way of making sure you look like your passport photo.”

—–

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation.

His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn’t help.  Her son’s memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, “I am the light of the world.”

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, “My mother is the light of the world.”

——

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

“You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them.”

“All right,” said the farmer. “I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She’s been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board.”

“Anybody else?” asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

“Yeah,” the farmer said. “This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco.”

“Aha!” the agent roared. “I want to talk to that man!”

“Speaking,” said the farmer.

 —–

 Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny (a future lawyer) hollers out,

“Okay, everyone in the house, please be advised that I, little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!”

 —–

One day my brother-in-law noticed an elderly lady slowly pushing a cart through the supermarket parking lot.

Ever courteous, he insisted on taking it over for her.

The woman struggled alongside, doing her best to keep up.

At the entrance, he said, “Here you go, Ma’am,” and gave her the cart.

Catching her breath, she said, “Thank you, but I was using it to lean on.”