Humor #520

 It was Super Bowl Sunday and in our Presbyterian church the time for the collection of tithes and offerings was approaching. The minister, a true sports enthusiast, reached into his pocket, took out a quarter, flipped it into the air, glanced at it as it landed, then in typical referee fashion joyfully announced:

“The ushers have elected to receive!”

—–

 As a fellow policeman and I were eating lunch in a cafe, we heard a woman nearby say loudly, “Jimmy, if you don’t eat all your peas, I’ll have those policemen come over and talk to you.” My friend promptly walked over to the five-year-old who was being scolded.

“Jimmy,” he said, just as loudly, “I’m six-foot-two and weigh 200 pounds. And I never ate a pea in my life.” As we left, the other patrons were laughing, Jimmy’s mother was absolutely silent, and a smiling Jimmy was no longer afraid of policemen.

—–

 Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife I’d have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.

Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice. I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.

“You won’t believe this,” she said, “but there’s a guy on the radio with the same problem!”

—–

 At my granddaughter’s wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”

—–

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Humor #519

A couple is arguing about who should make the coffee in the morning. The wife says, “I think your should do it because you get up first.”

He counters with, “The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.” “No way,” she says. “You should do it. The Bible even says so.” “What the heck are you talking about?” She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and point to the appropriate section: “Hebrews”

—–

 Our three-year-old daughter, Lindsay, was used to attending Sunday school in a separate classroom where the children listen to Bible stories, sing songs, and color pictures. After a special family service during which she joined the rest of the family in the church sanctuary, we asked what she thought of the grown-ups’ church. She looked around the room, then thoughtfully replied, “It’s very nice—but where do you keep your crayons?”

—–

 Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Lisa got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her. “I can’t seem to get my car started,” Lisa said, smiling. “Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me? I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”

—–

 A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

“I think you’ve paid your debt to society,” he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

Humor #518

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, “What’s your name?”

He answered, “Shut Up.”

He asked again “What’s your name?”

“Shut Up.”

The police officer asked, “Are you looking for trouble?!”

“Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago.”

—–

 A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”

He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? ‘Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.” She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She answers, “Your horse called.”

 —–

 A woman is paying for some purchases at Macy’s. As she reaches for her card, a TV remote control falls out of her purse. The sales clerk asks, “Do you always carry your TV remote?”

 “No.” the woman says, “But my husband refused to come shopping with me today. I figured this was a great way to pay him back.”

—–

 A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of.”

 “Ok,” says the bartender. “How ’bout ‘Blue Moon’?” The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. “That’s amazing,” says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.

 “I’ll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to.” “Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You’re on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner.” The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner.

 As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, “I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000.” The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left.

 The bartender said “What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!”

 The man said “Oh, the iguana can’t sing. The frog’s a ventriloquist.”

Humor #517

Modern Medicine

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier…

St. Mom’s Wort — Plant extract that treats Mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen — Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait til they moved out.

Flipitor — Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics — When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin — Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person…”

Buyagra — Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all — Caution, when combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin — Relieves the headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident — A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Ragaman — When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Humor #516

The executive officer of the unit where I worked in the National Guard Armory went to a government office to take care of some business.

The clerk there gave him two index cards with identical questions on them. The officer filled both out, but when he handed them in, he asked the clerk why she needed two cards with the same information.

Stapling the cards together, she said, “That’s in case we lose one.”

—–

 An minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children’s message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, “You see each one of you is a little pane.” And then pointing to each child, “You’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And…”

It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.

—–

 Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

 “I’m going to do that when I win the lottery,” announced Blonde #1.

 “Do what?” asked Blonde #2. 

 ” Send my yard out to be mowed.”

—–

Answering the phone, the priest was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as an IRS auditor.

“But we do not pay taxes,” the priest said. “It isn’t you, Father, it’s one of your parishioner, Sean McCullough. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of  $15,000 to the church last year. Is this, in fact, the truth?”

The priest smiled broadly. “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Sean.”

Humor #515

Three nature lovers went for a drive into the mountains one day to see if they could spot some bears. They wanted to take pictures of bears for their photo album. So they drove along an old dirt road until they entered the trees. As they rounded a curve, they spotted a sign that read, “BEAR LEFT.”

So they turned around and went home.

 —–

 Flipping through our children’s Bible, I pointed to a picture of Jesus surrounded by his disciples and asked my daughter to explain the story in her own words. Looking at it, she said, “Mommy, this is a story about Jesus. And here are all his disciples—Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, and Romans!”

—–

 In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he had the chance. His veterinarian’s office was about a mile down the road and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher’s yearly vaccine.

“Will you be bringing him in yourself,” asked the receptionist, “or will he come on his own?”

—–

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “Where have ya been?”

” Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” Slurs the drunk.

” Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk.

“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

 —–

Humor #514

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other’s case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant’s table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. “I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!”, he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, “This is the second such case we’ve had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!” 

 —–

An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. Often she worked late, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.

One day a student came to her after class with an essay that had been returned. “I can’t make out this comment you wrote on my paper.” , he said

The teacher took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied,

“It says that you should write more legibly!”

—–

The Blonde reported for her university final examination which consisted of “yes/no” type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall and stared at the question paper for five minutes.

In a fit of inspiration, she took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she was all done, whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. Her reply was, “I finished the exam in half an hour, but I’m rechecking my answers.”

 —–

 After our friends were married, they left the church and were disappointed to see that their car looked completely normal. No one had decorated it with “Just Married” signs or tin cans or balloons or anything at all.

“Disappointed” was not, however, the word used by the priest who married them.

His car was very similar in make, model, and color as the groom’s vehicle.