Humor #526

I am a college student studying for my bachelor’s degree. For my English class we are reading part of Walden and writing about it. I hope I covered everything. I tried to be Thoreau.

 —–

 A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH, MY G-D!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

 —–

 An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink?

“Why not?” he replied unkindly “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having.

—–

 A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch “before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away.

After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him “pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts.” The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch.

After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch “before the trouble starts.” The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch.

Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: “Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?” To which the man replies: “The trouble starts, when you find out that I don’t have any money.”