Humor #536

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said.  “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.  He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.  His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.  Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked,

“To draw out all his savings?”

—–

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

 The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “

 The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.

 “How?” asks the man, puzzled.

 “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.”

 —–

 A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

 The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

 St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

 —–

 One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City police precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she’s gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did ya hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Then why in the world did ya think she’s gonna kill ya?” asked the exasperated police officer.

“Because I found a bottle on dresser and I think she’s gonna poison me!”

He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, “What’s so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle says ‘Polish Remover’?”

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Humor #535

These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Humor #534

Recently one Congressman from a Bible Belt congressional district was asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

The politician responded, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.”

He continued, “But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position and I will not compromise.”

—–

 Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

—–

 They should send “Get Well Soon” cards to people who forgot to pay their water bill.

 —–

 A preacher had a deacon in his church who had a bad habit of cussing.

In his attempt to help the deacon overcome this terrible habit, the preacher decided he should spend some personal time with him.  So, he invited him to go fishing.

They were both out in a boat and had their lines in the water when the preacher hooked a big one.  He worked it for a long time and finally got the fish up to the edge of the boat when the line broke and the fish got away.

Thoroughly disgusted, the preacher looked over and said, “Deacon, something needs to be said!’

Humor #533

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: “I am perfectly well.”

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel…collect…on which he had to pay considerable charges.  Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

“This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”

 —–

Driving through New Jersey on Interstate 80 in route from Pennsylvania to New York, I came upon a group of cars that were abnormally traveling exactly at the 55 MPH speed limit. In the middle of the group was a state police cruiser that everyone was reluctant to pass.

After several minutes the officer’s voice rang out over his roof-mounted loudspeaker. “For heaven’s sake, move!” he commanded. “I am a Pennsylvania trooper.”

—–

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska.  Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area.  The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back.  While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.

“I wonder why he didn’t land,” I said.

“He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed,” the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window.  “It looks plowed to me,” I commented.

“No,” my seat mate said.  “It hasn’t been cleared for some time.”

“How can you tell?”  I asked.

“Because,” the man informed me, “I’m the guy who drives the plow.”

 —–

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

“Did you read the paper?” he asked.

“I’m not going in to work tomorrow.  I’m calling in fat.”

Humor #532

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:

“First Question: Which tire was flat?”

 —–

My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said “At the end of this ruler there’s an idiot.”

I got detention after asking which end.

—–

 A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?”

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix ’em, put ’em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic…

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

 —–

 A man went to his doctor complaining about having weird dreams. “Doc, I keep having these bad dreams. One night I’m a wigwam, the next I’m a teepee, wigwam, teepee every night. Am I going crazy?”

The doctor replied, “No, you’ll be just fine. You’re just too tense.”

Humor #531

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away. “Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

—–

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why.  With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.  She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were.  It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on.  She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”  She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to.  Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots.  My Mom made me wear them.” She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I tuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

—–

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

 —–

 Off the coast of Newfoundland, a great many fishermen do their fishing at night. They navigate solely by the light of the moon, scorning more sophisticated methods. Of course, from time to time this method fails, and shipwrecks are the result.

The Department of Fisheries was reviewing statistics one day and was shocked to discover how many shipwrecks there were during night fishing. When they discovered that the fishermen were navigating by the light of the moon, they promptly installed buoys near all the dangerous shoals and reefs to aid night navigation. To their surprise, when the statistics came in the following month, the shipwrecks had tripled! The buoys were removed, and things returned to normal.

The moral of the story: You can’t send a buoy to do a moon’s job!

Humor #530

A young man, living away from home, writes to his parents…

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son, Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.

 

A few days later, he received a letter from his father. It said…

Dear son,

Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came.

—–

The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”

The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him.”

—–

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.

When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

“Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?” Johnny’s mother asked.

“I couldn’t find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter,” he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:

“Don’t get excited, Ma, I used the old one!”

 —–

It was the toughest experience of my life.

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.  Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.  I completely lost my memory for a while.  I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

Realizing that perhaps I might do better with another doctor, I made an appointment at new medical office.  The receptionist had me fill out forms that included my medical history.

I don’t know how I pulled through it.  It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.