Humor #529

 A man walks into a health-food restaurant after a day at the office, sits down, and orders a nice big dish of brown rice and stir-fry veggies.

He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter by the cash register while he’s waiting for his order, and as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, “That’s a beautiful tie. Is that silk? Very NICE choice!”

Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn’t see anyone near him who could’ve been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears a voice, “Those shoes are stylin,’ my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!”

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little weirded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, “That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!”

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, “Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look. What’s up with that? Am I going CRAZY?”

“Oh,” the waiter nonchalantly replies, “those are just the peanuts.”

“The PEANUTS?” the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

“Yes,” replies the waiter, “they’re complimentary!”

—–

Some of my co-workers and I decided to remove the small, wooden suggestion box from our office because it had received so few entries. We stuck the box on top of a seven-foot-high metal storage cabinet and then promptly forgot about it.

Months later, when the box was moved during remodeling, we found a single slip of paper inside. The suggestion read, “Lower the box!”

—–

 A first-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down, and I turned off the lights. Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z, and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw.

Without hesitation he replied, “Consonants.”

—–

 A little boy was upset with his parents’ financial situation, so he decided to write God a letter:

Dear God,

My mommy and daddy need $500 for bills, and I don’t know who else to ask. Could You please help?

Johnny

The letter was received by the local post office and put in the “dead letters” pile. The clerk, being curious of the letter addressed to God, opened it to see what it said. As you can imagine, he was touched by the letter and decided to help. He asked all his fellow workers to “chip-in” a few dollars to help a family in need. When all the money was collected, it came to $300. The clerk sent a money order in an official Post Office envelope with the return address simply: God.

Several weeks later the same clerk found another letter addressed to God in the same writing. The letter said:

Dear God,

Thank you for the $300, but next time don’t use the Post Office. They have a $200 service charge.

Johnny

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