Humor #531

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away. “Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

—–

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why.  With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.  She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were.  It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on.  She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”  She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to.  Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots.  My Mom made me wear them.” She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I tuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

—–

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

 —–

 Off the coast of Newfoundland, a great many fishermen do their fishing at night. They navigate solely by the light of the moon, scorning more sophisticated methods. Of course, from time to time this method fails, and shipwrecks are the result.

The Department of Fisheries was reviewing statistics one day and was shocked to discover how many shipwrecks there were during night fishing. When they discovered that the fishermen were navigating by the light of the moon, they promptly installed buoys near all the dangerous shoals and reefs to aid night navigation. To their surprise, when the statistics came in the following month, the shipwrecks had tripled! The buoys were removed, and things returned to normal.

The moral of the story: You can’t send a buoy to do a moon’s job!

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