Humor #536

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said.  “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.  He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.  His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.  Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked,

“To draw out all his savings?”

—–

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

 The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “

 The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.

 “How?” asks the man, puzzled.

 “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.”

 —–

 A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

 The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

 St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

 —–

 One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City police precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she’s gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did ya hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Then why in the world did ya think she’s gonna kill ya?” asked the exasperated police officer.

“Because I found a bottle on dresser and I think she’s gonna poison me!”

He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, “What’s so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle says ‘Polish Remover’?”

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