Humor #537

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”

 —–

 A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”

—–

 Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local café. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their peppershaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the peppershaker contains salt and the saltshaker …”

“Oh,” the waitress interrupted. “Sorry about that.” She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

—–

 My little girl loves animals, but one day she was bitten by a small field mouse she’d found. She carried it home in her pocket and told me what happened. Worried about rabies, I called our town Humane Society and was told that the animal would have to be examined, and they’d send someone for it.

When the Humane Society truck pulled up, a big man got out, put on a pair of gauntlets, and took a capture stick and cage from the back of the truck. Trying not to laugh, I handed him a shoe box containing the mouse.

“Lady,” he said, seeing my expression, “they only told me it was a wild animal.”