Humor #552

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read– small bear droppings are small with nut and berries in it.

 Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.

 —–

 A young man bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend.

 “Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked the clerk.

 The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”

—–

 “Now, that looks like a happily married couple.” Remarks the husband.

“Don’t be too sure, my Dear. They are probable saying the same thing about us.” Replied his wife.

—–

 A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don’t eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. “Why do you buy them then?” he asks puzzled.

 Whereupon the old lady answers, “We just love the chocolate around them.”

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Humor #551

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.  They came up with about 40 names.  He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”

 —–

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.

The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, “Who did that? Who did that?”

—–

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently.  Everybody laughed loudly.  Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike?  No sense of humor?”

“My sense of humor is fine,” he said.  “But I don’t have to laugh.  I’m quitting tomorrow.”

—–

His father sends a small boy to bed. Five minutes later….

“Da-ad….”

“What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?” “No. You had your

chance. Lights out.”

Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..”

“WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”

“I told you NO!” If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”

Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..”

“WHAT!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

Humor #550

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. “What’s your job there?” the caller asked me.

“I’m the president,” I replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, “I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something.”

—–

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.

“Preacher,” the organizer said, “I trust you’ll see to it that the weather won’t turn bad on us.”

Our pastor shook his head. “Sorry,” he replied. “I’m sales, not management!

 —–

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.  It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

 —–

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever, no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

Humor #549

My friend called a venetian blind repairman to come pick up a faulty blind. The next morning, while the family was at breakfast, the doorbell rang. My friend’s wife went to the door, and the man outside said, “I’m here for the venetian blind.”

Excusing herself in a preoccupied way, the wife went to the kitchen, fished a dollar from the food money, pressed it into the repairman’s hand, then gently closed the door and returned to the table.

“Somebody collecting,” she explained, pouring the coffee.

—–

 A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth’s atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.

After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic and dirty, with foul smells, and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff-looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.

“Did I come here to die?” he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.

“No,” the Aussie nurse replies. “You came here yesterday.”

 —–

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.

After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.

The South Dakotan simply replied, “You know, I had a car like that once.”

—–

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had enough.

“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked indignantly.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers!

Humor #548

 My granddaughter, Hannah, begged me long-distance to come help her celebrate her sixth birthday. Unable to resist, I made my plans to join the family.

When we sat down for the birthday dinner, my son asked Hannah if she would like to bless the food on her birthday.

“Oh, yes, Daddy,” she said.

She closed her eyes and began, “Dear Lord, thank you for Mommy and this good food she fixed. Thank you for letting Grandma come here today.”

Pausing momentarily, Hannah opened her eyes to peek at me before she continued. “And please Lord, let us have a good time at Toys ‘R’ Us this afternoon.”

—–

Grandma, who appeared to become an ever-more intimidating personality as the years went on, was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

“You come to the front door of the apartment complex.  I am in apartment 14T.  There is a big panel at the door.  With your elbow push button 14T.  I will buzz you in.  Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.  When you get out I am on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?” the grandson asked.

“You’re coming empty handed …  ?”

—–

“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'”

—–

 A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

 “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.  Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.  Today is Friday.  If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”

 The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper.  I thought you were bringing her back.”

 “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

Humor #547

Teacher: Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of Baseball

Jonah: Here’s my paper

Teacher: Jonah, you spent only one minute writing your essay

Lets hear what you wrote

Jonah: Game called off on account of rain

 —–

 A new pastor decided to visit the children’s Sunday school. The teacher introduced him and said, “Pastor, this morning we’re studying Joshua.”

“That’s wonderful,” said the new pastor, “Let’s see what you’re learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?”

Little Johnny shyly raised hand and offered, “Pastor, I didn’t do it.”

Taken aback the pastor asked, “Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?”

The teacher, interrupting, said, “Pastor, little Johnny’s a good boy. If he says he didn’t do it, I believe he didn’t do it.”

Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director and related the story to him. The director, looking worried, explained, “Well, sir, we’ve had some problems with Johnny before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do.”

Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director. A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, “Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that.”

—–

 An engineer in an upscale hotel was asked to repair or replace the television in a guest room. When he arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. He knew all the spare sets were in use, so he figured what the heck and struck the side of the TV with the heel of his hand. The picture returned to full size.

“Look, honey,” said the wife to her husband. “He went to the same repair school as you.”

—–

 One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me anymore.”

“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

Humor #546

A man is incomplete until he is married… then he is finished.

 —–

 Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”

“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”

 —–

 Eight men have been at a mental hospital for a period of time and are being tested to find out how they are progressing in order for them to leave the institution. The doctor in charge takes them all into a room and with a ball pen draws a door on the wall and asks each one of the patients to try and open the door for him as part of the test. Seven of them rushed out and attempted to open the door on the wall.

 The doctor was disappointed with the results but never the less called on the last one who was still sitting down and asked him why didn’t he stand up and try to open the door with the others.

 The eighth man replied: “because I was holding the key to the door”

 —–

 One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, “I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan.”

 Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, “I’m sorry, we don’t loan money to frogs.”

 To which the frog replied, “I have collateral,” as he handed her a small ceramic trinket.

 Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, “I don’t know. I’ll have to talk to the bank manager.”

She walked back to the manager’s office and said, “There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral.”

 The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, “Why it’s a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan.”