Humor #548

 My granddaughter, Hannah, begged me long-distance to come help her celebrate her sixth birthday. Unable to resist, I made my plans to join the family.

When we sat down for the birthday dinner, my son asked Hannah if she would like to bless the food on her birthday.

“Oh, yes, Daddy,” she said.

She closed her eyes and began, “Dear Lord, thank you for Mommy and this good food she fixed. Thank you for letting Grandma come here today.”

Pausing momentarily, Hannah opened her eyes to peek at me before she continued. “And please Lord, let us have a good time at Toys ‘R’ Us this afternoon.”

—–

Grandma, who appeared to become an ever-more intimidating personality as the years went on, was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

“You come to the front door of the apartment complex.  I am in apartment 14T.  There is a big panel at the door.  With your elbow push button 14T.  I will buzz you in.  Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.  When you get out I am on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?” the grandson asked.

“You’re coming empty handed …  ?”

—–

“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'”

—–

 A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

 “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.  Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.  Today is Friday.  If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”

 The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper.  I thought you were bringing her back.”

 “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

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