Humor # 574

New Years Resolutions

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

I have only one resolution: to rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

I’ll remember 2018 like it was yesterday.

Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2015, please?

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2018 and a beautiful beginning into 2019.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself — this year I’m making a resolution to be myself!

I’m planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2019.

My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s Resolutions — that way I succeed at something!

New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.

I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2019 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

Tonight the mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

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Humor # 573

Dieting – New Year Resolutions

2015: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2016: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2017: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2018: I will work out 3 days a week.

2019: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

—–

I went to my Doctor and he suggested I do some exercises. Here is my new regiment…

1. Jump to conclusions
2. Climb the walls
3. Drag my heels
4. Push my luck
5. Make mountains out of molehills
6. Bend over backwards
7. Run in circles
8. Put my foot in my mouth

Humor #572

Chocolate Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds; now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
“In the morning I’ll starve…
’til I take that first bite!”

Humor #571

The Legend of the Christmas Tree Angel

Posted on December 24, 2016

A favorite story (repost from 2014)

 

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”

Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass…

Humor #570

HOLIDAY HUMOR

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?

They both drop their needles.

—–

Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the fancy Christmas dance?

It was a moth ball!

—–

Where does Santa go swimming?

The North Pool!

—–

What do you call a cat that likes to dig in the sand?

Sandy Claws

—–

I went to my friend’s house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top. I asked, “What’s the deal, no decorations?” Puzzled, he looked at me and said, “What do you mean? It’s a cartridge in a bare tree.”

—–

While helping my 5-year-old twins rehearse “Away in a Manger” for their Christmas concert, I struggled to explain the lyrics, “the cattle are lowing …” When I told them that people spoke differently in Old Testament times than they do today, my daughter, Robin, piped up, “Old Testament cows low—and New Testament cows moo!”

—

Advent was one week away so we thought we’d see what the children remembered from our family devotions the year before. “Who can tell me what the four candles in the Advent wreath represent?” I asked.

Luke jumped in with seven-year-old wisdom and exuberance. “There’s love, joy, peace, and … and … “

“I know!” six-year-old Elise interrupted to finish her brother’s sentence: “Peace and quiet!”

Humor #569

This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.

As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a “social session” with family or friends.

Well this year, it happened to me.

I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine.

It was held at a great Mexican restaurant.

Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.

That’s when I did something I’ve never done before .  .  .  I took a taxi home.

On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.

The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before.

I don’t know where I got it and now that it’s in my garage.  I don’t know what to do with it.

If you want to borrow it, give me a call.

Humor #568

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

“Did you read the paper?” he asked.

“I’m not going in to work tomorrow.  I’m calling in fat.”

—–

 The amount of people who confuse “to” and “too” is amazing two me.

 —–

 This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. ”Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?”

”Dogs can’t talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I’ll give you a drink. If not, you’re going to get a beating.”

”Okay,” says the guy. He turns to his dog. ”Okay, fella. Tell me — what is on top of a house?”

”Roof!” The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

”THAT ain’t talking! Any dog can bark!”

”Okay, boy. Tell me — how does sandpaper feel?”

”Ruff!”

”What the heck you tryin’ to pull, mister?”

”Okay, okay,” says the man. “One more question, please. Okay, buddy, tell me — who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?”

“Ruth.”

The bartender beats the heck out of the guy and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

“Wow. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

 —–

The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.

“How come you didn’t turn in?” hae yelled.

“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.”AB