Humor #568

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

“Did you read the paper?” he asked.

“I’m not going in to work tomorrow.  I’m calling in fat.”

—–

 The amount of people who confuse “to” and “too” is amazing two me.

 —–

 This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. ”Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?”

”Dogs can’t talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I’ll give you a drink. If not, you’re going to get a beating.”

”Okay,” says the guy. He turns to his dog. ”Okay, fella. Tell me — what is on top of a house?”

”Roof!” The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

”THAT ain’t talking! Any dog can bark!”

”Okay, boy. Tell me — how does sandpaper feel?”

”Ruff!”

”What the heck you tryin’ to pull, mister?”

”Okay, okay,” says the man. “One more question, please. Okay, buddy, tell me — who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?”

“Ruth.”

The bartender beats the heck out of the guy and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

“Wow. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

 —–

The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.

“How come you didn’t turn in?” hae yelled.

“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.”AB

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