Humor #578

Lesser-Known Knights of the Round Table

1. The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render

2. The unbelievable knight: Sir Real

3. The knights who were so fat they sat around a table by themselves: Sir Round and Sir Cumference

4. The undercover knight: Sir Veillance

5. The knight who came to an untimely end: Sir Cease

6. The knight who never got killed in battle: Sir Vivor

7. The knight who always guessed right: Sir Miser

8. The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Past

9. The knight who showed up unexpectedly: Sir Prise

10. The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount

11. The knight who funded the castle’s operations: Sir Tax

12. The knight who kept the kingdom’s maps up to date: Sir Veyor

13. The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis

14. The knight always called on as the first substitute: Sir Rogate

15. The most outstanding of all the knights: Sir Perb

16. The hardest knight of them all: Sir Amic

17. The knight who was most at home in a 3-ring castle: Sir Cus

18. The saddest knight of them all: Sir Rowful

19. The extra knights: Sir Perfluous and Sir Pernumerary

20. The dancing knight: Sir Prance Alot

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Humor #577

I sent that “Ancestry” site some information on my family tree and they sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

—–

I overheard two children discussing their selection in the video area of a store.

One boy took Disney’s CINDERELLA off the shelf, pointed to the drawing of the title character on the cover, and said, “Oh, she’s really good. I saw her in ALICE IN WONDERLAND.”

—–

In the word “scent” is it the s that is silent or the c?

—–

A woman needed encouragement to keep pedaling the exercise bike in her gym. So my friend, the gym manager, said, “Close your eyes and imagine you’re riding along Broadway in New York City. It will be more interesting.”

Inspired, the woman cycled on, but after a minute she stopped.

“What’s wrong?” asked my friend.

“The traffic light’s red,” she replied.

—–

We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town.

Early the next morning, a Saturday, our 3 1/2-year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up.

I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.

About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

“Mommy, Mommy,” he exclaimed, “everybody has doorbells – and they all work.”

—–

Dewey is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Steve walks in, sits down, and asks him what the problem is.

“Well,” said Dewey, “I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I’m in deep trouble at home.”

“What kind of question?” asked Steve.

“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat, and wrinkly.”

“That’s easy,” said Steve. “You just say, ‘Of course I will.'”

“Yeah,” said Dewey, “that’s what I meant to say, except I said, ‘Of course I DO…'”

—–

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: “I am perfectly well.”

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel…collect…on which he had to pay considerable charges.  Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

“This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”

Humor # 576

(As we think of our New Year’s resolutions to exercise…)

TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY EXERCISES

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn’t want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing my pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing my weight around

07) Dragging my heels

08) Pushing my luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting my own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting my foot in my mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I’ll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

Humor # 575

 

 

 

New Year’s Resolutions #2

Difficult-to-Keep New Year’s Resolutions

 

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!”

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.

I will try to figure out why I “really” need five Facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them.

I will think of a password other than “password.”