Humor #583

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalm 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and I have enclosed a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”

—–

 Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?”

“No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”

—–

 During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: “Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone.”

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, “I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!”

—–

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little Johnny.

She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of car’s flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, “Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”

Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, “I do!  Because you couldn’t catch the other cars!”

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Humor #582

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping.  He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening.  “I didn’t catch a thing!”

“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

The boy said, “It wasn’t that.  She ate all the bait.”

—–

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.

He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, “Why did you bring!  an umbrella to camp?”

The kid answered, “Did you ever have a mother?

—–

Seth, a curious 5-year-old, was with his parents during a recent communion service. He watched intently as mom received the elements and bowed her head to pray.

A few seconds later, she stole a peek at her unusually quiet son to see what he was up to. He was by then intently watching his daddy at prayer after taking communion. Mom was delighted that he was observing the solemnity of the occasion. “Good parental example,” she thought.

Her gratification was short-lived as Seth leaned toward her and whispered: “What’s in that stuff? You eat it and go right to sleep.”

—–

 A mother was browsing in the ladies’ department one day with her son who was just learning to read. Trying to read all the signs he could, he came upon one in the maternity department. “Look, Mom!” he said excitedly as he pointed at the sign. “They’re even making clothes for eternity now!”

 —–

 When a girl filled out her first job application form, she listed various babysitting jobs under the heading of “Previous Employment.”

Under the column “Reasons for Leaving,” she told the truth: “The parents came home.”

Humor #581

 While serving as a church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit.

Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, “Non-smoking, please.”

 —–

 Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.

“You must take the loyalty oath first,” the passport clerk said. “Raise your right hand, please.” The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?”

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, “Well, I guess so, but … will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?”

—–

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, “Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful – so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing.”

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, “Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!”

—–

 A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him.  Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried:

“Daddy, where’s Mommy?”

Humor #580

The Sunday morning service had ended, and the pastor was greeting parishioners as they were leaving. Everyone was friendly as they greeted him, but no one said anything about the sermon.

The pastor was getting a little concerned about that until someone said, “Oh, pastor, your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God.”

A little puzzled, the pastor asked him to explain what he meant.

The parishioner explained. “Well, pastor, that sermon reminded me of the peace of God because it passed all understanding. And it reminded me of the love of God because it endured forever.”

—–

 A woman is more aggressive at work than she realizes. After she had her annual performance review, she was asked, “How did it go?”

“They had written that I was overbearing,” she replied with a shrug. “I made them take it off.”

—–

 After a rigorous drilling program, a group of ROTC cadets was about to board the trucks back to the barracks. Just for fun, the cadets fell into formation with their caps on backward.

the lieutenant in charge was indignant at this breach of military decorum and dressed down the cadet leader, “Cadet! I want to see those caps facing front *Immediately!*”

The young cadet captain was unshaken. He called his group to attention, then commanded crisply, “About face!”

—–

 In On This Day by Carl D. Windsor, the page for Valentine’s Day includes this anecdote: “Even the most devoted couple will experience a ‘stormy’ bout once in a while. A grandmother, celebrating her golden wedding anniversary, once told the secret of her long and happy marriage. ‘On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of my husband’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook,’ she said.

“A guest asked the woman what some of the faults she had chosen to overlook were. The grandmother replied, ‘To tell you the truth, my dear, I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, Lucky for him that’s one of the ten!’ “

Humor #579

I took my young son to the doctor for a routine physical. All the way I had to reassure him that he would not be getting a shot. He went through his eye exam, hearing test, etc. The nurse came into the exam room and started to ask me routine questions.

When she got to “Is he allergic to anything” my four year old son stood up and said “YES, I’m allergic to shots!”

—–

 Finding a volunteer to be church treasurer is always a challenge. But after reading the church’s Annual Report, I was not surprised to hear several members express interest in the position. The outgoing treasurer had concluded her report with: “It has truly been my pleasure to work with the church finances. I have received far more than I ever gave.”

—–

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said.  “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.  He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.  His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.  Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked,

“To draw out all his savings?”

—–

Joe’s wife liked to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter, Joe? Don’t you like my singing?”

Joe replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”