Humor #590

Professor Stein was lecturing his physics class. “If molecules can be split into atoms and the atoms split into electrons, can the electrons be broken down any further?”

A pupil replied, “I’m not certain, but a sure way to find out would be to mail some of them in a Christmas package marked ‘fragile.'”

—–

 A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.

To encourage him, his teacher said, “You’ll know you’re really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French.”

The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, “Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!”

“Great!” said the teacher; “what were they saying?”

“I don’t know,” the boy replied; “I couldn’t understand them.”

—–

 The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

“What will you do with it?” my wife asked.

“We burn it” was the answer.

“Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?” asked my wife.

“Certainly not,” said the clerk. “This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it’s destroyed.”

 —–

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long letter came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read:”You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure.”

So I did.

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Humor #589

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: “Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

“Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”

—–

In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in Washington, D.C. Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described. To my great surprise, it did — and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside. After a moment’s hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter.

An unidentified reader had penned, “Good book, wasn’t it?”

 —–

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

“How are we faring?” asks the king.

“Sire,” replies the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.”

“What?!” shrieks the king.  “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”

“Oh, no…” says the knight.  “Well, you do now.”

—–

The dean and the coach struck a simple deal. Despite his abysmal grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if and only if he could learn and remember the formula for water before then. The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the gridiron star and were confident that he’d come through with flying colors.

On the morning of the game, the dean came down to the locker room where the tackle was suiting up.

“Well?” said the dean. “What is the formula for water?”

Grinning broadly, and drawing confidence from the presence of his proud coach, the player said, “H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.”

Humor #588

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely.

“It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

—–

“This house,” said the real estate salesman, “has both its good points and its bad points.  To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both.

The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.”

“What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.

“The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”

—–

Julie was standing in front of a soda machine saying, “You are a dumb-looking button. You don’t have much of a future, either. People are going to be punching you all your life. Then you are going to be replaced by a much better-looking button.”

I foolishly asked what she was doing.

Julie pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which said, “Depress button for ice.”

 —–

 A guy was doing 90 in a 65 mph speed zone when he sees in the mirror a cop car behind him with flashing red lights.

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95… 100.. 110… Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.

“You were going a little fast there,” the officer says “but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself.”

The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied “Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back.”

The officer paused for a moment and said “Have a nice day and drive safe.”

Humor #587

5-year-old niece, Olivia, and her best friend, Claire, were participating in a nativity play at school. Claire was playing Mary, and Olivia was an angel. Before the show, a young boy was going around the dressing room repeating, “I’m a sheep, what are you?” Each child responded politely, including Olivia, who proudly declared she was an angel.

The boy then turned to Claire, still struggling into her costume with her mother’s help, and repeated the question to her: “I’m a sheep, what are you?”

Claire simply said, “I’m Mary.”

Realizing he was face to face with a lead character, he felt he needed to justify his own role. “It’s hard being a sheep, you know,” he said with all the seriousness of a 5-year-old actor with a big part.

Claire’s equally serious response was humorously profound. “Yes,” said Claire innocently, “but it’s also hard being a virgin, you know.”

 —–

 Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. “Will you marry me, darling?” he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, “Yes, if you’ll buy me a mink.”

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, “Okay, it’s a deal, on one condition.”

“What is that?” Lisa asked.

“You’ll have to clean the cage,” Kurt replied.

—–

 “You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

—–

A friend and I were driving to the mall when we came to a bridge under construction. The road narrowed to one lane, with a red light at either end. We stopped at the red light at on our side and when it turned green, we started up again. Halfway through we met another car coming towards us.

The driver leaned out his window and shouted, “I don’t back up for idiots!”

Putting his car into reverse, my friend called back, “No problem; I do.”

Humor #586

If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be in trouble with:

— the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,

— the EPA for killing fig trees,

— the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,

— the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,

— the NEA for teaching without a certificate,

— OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane,

— the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea, and the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life.

Humor #585

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs, “AMEN, BROTHER!”

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, “PREACH IT, REVEREND!”

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS! AMEN!”

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, “He’s quit preaching and now he’s meddlin’.”

—–

 A blonde lady had just completed a CPR course and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left a shopping center, she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people gathered around him.

Screaming, “I know first aid!” she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened all his tight clothing, and got ready to start mouth-to-mouth.

At this stage a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and said, “Do you mind? I am trying to arrest this man.”

—–

 A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”

The woman answers, “Well, I have contacts.”

The policeman replies, “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”

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Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll.  One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua.  As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to drink.”

The guy with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there.  We’ve got dogs with us.”

The one with the Doberman said, “Just follow my lead.” They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.

The waiter at the door said, “Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.”

The man with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand.  This is my Seeing-Eye dog.”

The waiter said, “A Doberman pinscher?”

The man said, “Yes, they’re using them now.  They’re very good.”

The waiter said, “OK then, come on in.”

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he’d try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.  He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable.  Once again the waiter said, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

The man with the Chihuahua said, “You don’t understand.  This is my Seeing-Eye dog.”

The waiter said, “A Chihuahua?”

The man with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua?!?  A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a Chihuahua??

—–

Humor #584

Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.

Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, “There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You’ll have to get rid of that coffee.”

The officer said meekly, “Sure, but why?”

“Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard.”

—–

 A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.

The little boy left the table to use the restroom by him- self. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, “Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?”

 —–

We had been trying for a child for years, so I was ecstatic when I got up at five one morning, took a home pregnancy test, and found I was expecting.

“Richard,” I yelled to my husband, “we’re going to have a baby!”

“Great,” he said and rolled over.

“How can you go back to sleep?”

Muttering into his pillow, he said, “I’m stocking up.”

 —–

 After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. “Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published.”

The pastor replied, “Actually, I’m planning to have all my sermons published posthumously.”

“Great!” enthused the church member. “The sooner the better!”