A young boy refused to do his homework, and his father was trying to convince him to do it.
He said to his son, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
The son replied, “Well, when Lincoln was your age, he was President!”
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.”
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knowing the end is near. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons.
“So,” he says to them, “Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.
“Sybil, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.
“Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property.”
Sarah replies, “Property? The schlemiel had a paper route!”
Doctor: I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.