Humor #614

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

—–

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

—–

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

—–

Last, but not least, a great one:

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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Humor #613

A son says, ” Dad, do you know what the word Bible means?”

His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means? 

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?” “That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly,

“It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth”.

—–

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments” answered the lady, kindly…

—–

“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

—–

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

Humor #612

During a test…

People look up for inspiration,

Look down in desperation,

And left and right for information!

—–

Stella, 6, and her mommy were talking.

Stella: “I’ll bet you can’t wait ’til I’m a teenager!”

Mommy: “Actually, I can.”

Stella: “Why?”

Mommy: “Because I like you being sweet.”

Stella: “I’ll still be sweet when I’m a teenager. I’ll just have an awkward way of showing it.”

—–

During a recent power outage my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPAD, and a new surround sound system were all shut down. Also my cell phone battery was dead. To make matters worse it was raining so I couldn’t play golf.

So I go to the kitchen to make coffee, OOPS, the coffee maker requires power, so I sit down and talked to my wife for a couple of hours.

You know, she seems like a nice person.

—–

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

Humor #611

I don’t believe in reincarnation…

I didn’t believe in it the last time, either.

—–

Teacher: What is an island?

Student : A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side.

Teacher : On one side?

Student : Yes, on top!

—–

I believe the right girl for me is out there, in some corner of the earth…

But unfortunately, the earth is round.

—–

A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.

“My father grows beans,” said one girl.

“My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.

A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”

—–

Humor #610

Not everyone enjoys singing ensembles…

It’s an ‘a-choir-ed’ taste.

—–

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.

“How old are you?” a tenant asked.

“I’m 81 years old,” the son answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

—–

I took the job at a bakery…

Because I kneaded dough!

—–

My aunt and her 7 year-old daughter, Lisa, were talking at breakfast one morning when Lisa said, “Mommy, how come you have these gray hairs coming in on the top of your head?”

My Aunt replied, “Well sweetie, every time that you make mommy worry or tell a lie, I get a new gray hair.”

Lisa, having this perplexed look on her face, then raises her head to look my aunt straight in the eyes. She then asks, “Is that why grandma is all gray mommy?”

Humor #609

A motorist was on trial for striking a pedestrian.

The motorist’s lawyer made this point: “Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years.”

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: “Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over 55 years!”

—–

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep.

That’s deep enough!

What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

—–

England has no kidney bank…

But it does have a Liverpool.

—–

To keep their active two-year-old from roaming onto the busy street in front of their home, my sister and brother-in-law decided to put a gate across the driveway.

After working over two weekends on the project, Robert was ready to attach the lock to complete the job. He was working on the yard side of the gate, with his daughter nearby, when he dropped the screwdriver he was using and it rolled under the gate, out of his reach.

“I’ll get it, Daddy,” Lauren called, nimbly crawling under the newly erected barrier

Humor #608

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone’s laundry on my way home. “It’s for my cousin,” she apologized, “who’s eight months pregnant and can’t get out much anymore.”

I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

“Hi, there,” I said with a big smile. “Is your mommy home?” Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, “I have a delivery for her.”

The child’s mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. “Mom!” She shrieked, “come quick! It’s the stork!”

—–

When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. “I haven’t gone in a long time,” she said.

“Besides, it’s too late for me. I’ve probably already broken all seven commandments.”

—–

Auto-correct makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

—–

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: “Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!”

“I suppose,” my husband responded, “we could vacuum.”