I went to the Doctor for my annual check up.
He told me that I have insomnia.
But I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.
Fric: I was going to dance down a spiral staircase for your birthday, but I decided not to.
Frac: Why not?
Fric: Because I am a Fred Astaires.
I met a Russian Dentist and his name was Anesthesia.
I thought this could be love.
Sadly, I felt nothing.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn’t finished.
I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my four-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.
“I’m going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy,” I told her.
“Oh,” she said. “Say hi to Mommy for me.”
Death and taxes are inevitable…
But at least death doesn’t get worse every year!
Teacher: “Jay, why are you down today?”
Jay: “Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad is at the police station.”
Teacher: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?”
Jay: “Yes, please.”
After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher asks the other classmates, “Why is Jay’s father at the police station and the mother at the hospital?”
Classmate: “Because his father is a policeman and his mom’s a nurse.”
I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job.
He asked which companies?
I told him gas, electric, and cable.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Candidate: The bus mostly.
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
Candidate: Missing the bus!
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum?
Because they can’t afford new ones!
They say we learn from our mistakes.
That’s why I’m deliberately making as many as possible.
Soon I’ll be a genius!
Went to my eye doctor the other day…
Guess who I bumped into?
Patient: “It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.”
Doctor: “Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?”
Patient: “I sure did. The bottle said ‘keep tightly closed’.”
On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough.
“Kids,” he said, “if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me.”
Our six-year-old shot back, “Too late dad, I already got you another present.”
Out Of Office Autoreplies
- I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.
- You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
- Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor’s having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
- I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
- Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $4.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
- The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
- Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
- Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
- I’ve run away to join a different circus.
I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics.
Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.
But one health-conscious boy’s response was, “All of those things contain too much cholesterol.”
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter “playing wedding.”
The wedding vows went like this:
“You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride.”
Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future?
Interviewer: No, I mean long term.
Me: Oh… Dinner.
We were eating corn on the cob two weeks ago and my 5-year-old daughter Rachel seemed to be struggling with it a little bit.
I said “Rachel, eat it like a typewriter.”
She looked at me with pure innocence in her eyes and said “Mommy, what’s a typewriter?”