Humor #627

The future isn’t what it used to be.

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A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.

An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. “How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against me?”

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Feeling alone? Feeling unwanted, like no one gives a hoot?

Do what I did… don’t file your tax returns.

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Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here’s a listing of some of the lesser known relatives:

• The really obnoxious brother — Please Gogh
• The brother who ate prunes — Gotta Gogh
• His dizzy aunt — Verti Gogh
• An aunt who taught positive thinking — Wayto Gogh
• And his magician uncle — Wherediddy Gogh

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Humor #626

TOURIST QUESTIONS #3

Here are some of the “All-Time Dumbest Questions” asked by Banff Park tourists.

On tourist facilities…

• Do they search you at the B.C. border?
• When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
• Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don’t they?
• Are there phones in Banff?
• So it’s eight kilometers away… is that in miles? We’re on the decibel system you know.
• Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
• Is that 2 kilometers by foot or by car?
• Don’t you Canadians know anything?

Humor #625

TOURIST QUESTIONS #2

Here are some of the “All-Time Dumbest Questions” asked by Banff Park tourists.

On geography…

• Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? (while standing in the middle of Banff!)
• Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
• Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
• Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
• If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
• Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
• How far is Banff from Canada?
• What’s the best way to see Canada in a day?

Humor #624

TOURIST QUESTIONS #1

Here are some of the “All-Time Dumbest Questions” asked by Banff Park tourists.

On nature…

• How do the elk know they’re supposed to cross at the “Elk Crossing” signs?
• At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
• Tourist: “How do you pronounce ‘Elk’?” Park Information Staff: ” ‘Elk.'” Tourist: “Oh.”
• Are the bears with collars tame?
• Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
• Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
• Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
• I saw an animal on the way to Banff today … Could you tell me what it was?
• Are there birds in Canada?

Humor #623

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.

Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side. From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

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A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a pet shop to look for a Baptist dog.

They asked the owner, “Do you have a Baptist dog?”

Surprised, the pet shop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, “Yes…  yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description.”

So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, “Let’s see if this is a real Baptist dog.” So the father said to the dog, “Go get a Bible.”

And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.

Impressed, the father continued, “Let’s see if this dog knows its books of the Bible…  Turn to Psalm 23”.

The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.

Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home.  The next day, the family had visitors.  They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do.

Finally, the friends asked, “Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?”

The Baptist father wondered and said, “Hmm, I don’t know.  I’ve never tried.” He then ordered the dog, “Heel.”

Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father’s lap and placed its paw on the man’s head and started to pray.

“Wait a minute!” exclaimed the Baptist mother, “This dog isn’t Baptist!  It’s Pentecostal!”

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The boss over heard an employee singing during work and it sounded awful. He asked, “Is that in the key of L?”

Puzzled, the employee says, “Key of L? I’m not really sure?”

The boss replies, “Well it sure sounds like L to me!”

Humor #622

My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said My Dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” I asked.

“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

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Sally was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 5-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

“Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

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Been on a diet for two weeks and all I lost is 14 days.

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A 17-year-old girl had just gotten her driver’s license and offered to take her mom’s car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked, “What grade, miss?”

“Eleventh!” she replied

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Dietitian: Did you follow the course that I have given you 4 weeks ago?

Client: Yes, of course!

Dietitian: So did you lose at least 4lbs ?

Client: No! I lost 4 weeks!

Humor #621

My daughter came home so excited…

She had to parallel park at work and received the following note of praise: PARKING FINE.

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Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. One said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.”

“Wow!’ said the other. “How did you manage that?”

“It’s easy, my last words are always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

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As he was standing in line at the grocery store checkout counter, a friend of John’s noticed he was purchasing a dozen roses and a card.

“You in trouble with Jill?” the friend asked John.

“Nope!” was John’s reply. “Preventive maintenance.”

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A lady makes an emergency stop at a dentist office and tells the dentist, “I need a tooth pulled right away. Don’t even bother with the Novocain, just yank the tooth out. We’re in a really big hurry.”

The dentist is really impressed and says,”M’am I really admire your courage. Which tooth do want to have pulled?”

The lady shoves her husband toward the dentist and says “Go ahead dear, show him your tooth.”

Humor #620

Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn’t find a thing for her grandson.

“Maybe a video or something educational?” I asked.

“No, that’s not it,” she said.

We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye, a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.

“This is perfect,” she said, beaming. “My daughter-in-law will hate it.”

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As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach, however. “I see you are a teacher,” he said. “What do you teach?”

“English and theater,” I responded.

“I guess I better watch my grammar,” the defense attorney quipped.

“No,” I shot back. “You better watch your acting.”

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

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Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”

Doctor: “How come?”

Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”

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At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.

One family asked to enter to “Love Me Tender.”

Well, the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk into the service.

Unfortunately, the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to “Return to Sender.”