Humor #635


Mom, God’s so neat, and heaven’s supposed to be so great. Could me and Michael go there Saturday for a sleep-over?

Our seven-year-old daughter, Clarisa, was not really excited about going to Sunday school, but her little friend talked her into it. After the first class, at lunch, she said, “I like my teacher, and she said if I come to Sunday school every Sunday, she’ll show me how I can get a free trip to heaven.”

My three-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, came over one day and looked around the room and asked, “Where’s Grandpa?”

   I answered, “He’s in heaven.”

   Surprised, she looked at me and said, “Still?”

I know what heaven is like because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born.

Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed, “God, they keep telling us You love us kids. But I’m wondering: if You know my older brother, do You think he’ll ever get to heaven?”

Grandma’s gone to heaven, and she’ll be happy there because there’s a Dairy Queen everywhere. Right?

When Jenny was four, she asked, “Does heaven have a floor?”

   Surprised, I said, “Well, Jenny, what do you think heaven is like?”

   She looked up at the sky and clouds and replied, “Well, I can’t see any floor, so I guess people are just up there on coat hangers!”

I told nine-year-old Heather that someday we would have glorified bodies.

   She asked, “Do you think we’ll look like Barbie?”

One day my five-year-old grandson, Brett, who frequently went fishing with his dad, told his mother,

   “If Grandma’s going to heaven with us, God had better have a pretty big fishing rod to haul her in!”

Humor #634

My 12 year old daughter asked me, “Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project.”

I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: “The oldest thing in my house.”


A teenager invited his girlfriend over to Sunday dinner to meet his parents for the first time. He warned her that his mother can be strong willed and very critical of his friends.

She replied, “Don’t worry, I can hold my own. I’ll nicely put her in her place if need be.”

After dinner the teen asked his girlfriend why she hadn’t stood up to his mother. She answered by saying, “I’m not worried about her, it’s the horde of flying monkeys that must be waiting outside that bothers me.”


After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me – all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, “Ma’am,” he said, “do all these children and this luggage belong to you?”

“Yes, sir,” my mother said with a sigh. “They’re all mine.”

The customs agent began his interrogation: “Ma’am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?”

“Sir,” she calmly answered, “if I’d had any of those items, I would have used them by now.”

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

Humor #633

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”

“Never heard of him. What did he write?”

“A big check,” replied the guide.


Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.

Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife.

Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, “You’re not going to let him hold the baby, are you?”


The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Father, that was a good sermon.”

The priest replied, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.”

“It wasn’t THAT good!” she said.


Little Anne came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, “Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!”

“That’s great sweetheart!” said her daddy.

“Come into the living room and tell me about it,” daddy continued.

Little Anne said, “Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science.”

Humor #632

Husband’s note on refrigerator to his wife:

“Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. I didn’t know you liked beer.”


A very self-centered actor was hauled into a court as a witness. When asked to state his occupation he announced quit confidently, “I am the world’s greatest actor.”

“Why did you tell them that?” a friend inquired afterward.

“Had to,” was the answer. “I was under oath.”


Money can buy a house, but not a home.

Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.

Money can buy a clock, but not time.

Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.

Money can buy food, but not an appetite.

Money can buy position, but not respect.

Money can buy blood, but not life.

Money can buy insurance, but not safety.

You see, money is not everything!

Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me.

Humor #631

If Facebook has taught us anything, it’s that a lot of you are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.


This sailor fell off the crows nest on a sailing ship and fell trough the first deck and the second deck of the ship.

The captain went up to the sailor and asked if he was all right.

“I am all right,” said the sailor. “I have been through hardships before.”


For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, my friend couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents.”

“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”


A city slicker goes to visit his cousin who owns an apple orchard. The cousin takes him out to show him the bountiful crop on the trees.

The city slicker sees all the apples and asks, “How many apples grow on trees?”

His cousin smiles and says, “All of them.”


A Spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says: “Uno, dos….”*POOF!!*

He disappeared without a tres.

Humor #630

My boss didn’t come in to work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem.

When I asked what was wrong, he replied, “I just can’t see myself at work today.”


What exactly is junk?

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.


What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


My friend David lost his ID. Now we just call him Dave.


A guy calls AAA: “I’m stranded on the side of the road.”

AAA: “At least you have a shoulder to cry on.”


My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.

“Well Mary,” said the man,

“Near as I can figure, based on the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we’ve got a hog back on the farm worth at least $137,000.”

Humor #629

Harry Truman, when he was U.S President, once addressed the Washington Garden Club and kept referring to ‘good manure’ that must be used on flowers.

Some society ladies complained (later) to the First Lady Margaret Truman, “Bess, can’t you get the President to say fertilizers?”

The First Lady replied, “Heavens, it took me 25 years to get him to say ‘manure'”.


I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.


A grandson went up to his grandpa and said, “Grandpa, can you talk like a frog?”

“No, why?”

“Just wondering.”

A few minutes later the granddaughter came up and said, “Grandpa, can you talk like a frog?”

“No. Why do you kids keep asking me if I can talk like a frog?”

“Because Dad said, ‘When grandpa croaks, we can go to Disneyland.”’


Electricians are always watching the news…

They like to keep up with current events.


My Doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress…

To comply, I did not open his bill.

Humor #628

The future isn’t what it used to be.


A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.

An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. “How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against me?”


Feeling alone? Feeling unwanted, like no one gives a hoot?

Do what I did… don’t file your tax returns.


Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here’s a listing of some of the lesser known relatives:

  • The really obnoxious brother — Please Gogh
  • The brother who ate prunes — Gotta Gogh
  • His dizzy aunt — Verti Gogh
  • An aunt who taught positive thinking — Wayto Gogh
  • And his magician uncle — Wherediddy Gogh