Humor #652

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, “How did that toast get into the cage?”

“It was bread in captivity,” she replied.

—–

John: Do you know how big the world’s biggest nose was?

David: Eleven inches

John: That’s not very long.

David: If it was any longer, it would be a foot.

—–

What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

—–

Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather’s violin. “Old fiddles aren’t worth much, I’m afraid,” he explained.

“What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?” I asked.

“If you’re buying it from me, it’s a violin. If I’m buying it from you, it’s a fiddle.”

Advertisement

Humor #651

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

It’s the day before Thanksgiving and the butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the door.  “Please let me in,” says the man, “I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don’t come home with one.”

“OK” says the butcher.  “Let me see what’s left.” He goes into the freezer and discovers that there’s only one scrawny turkey left.  He brings it out to show the man.

“That one’s too skinny.  What else have you got”?  says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes then brings the same turkey back out to the man.

“Oh no,” says the man, “that one doesn’t look any better.  You better give me both of them.”

—–

Some people REALLY love Christmas, but I love Thanksgiving.

Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving.

Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!

Humor #650

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

TRUE STORIES FROM THE BUTTERBALL Turkey Hotline, where people call to get advice on how to cook a Turkey from the experts.

Thanksgiving Dinner on the Run
A woman called the Butterball Turkey Hotline to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey.  To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed.  The woman responded, “I don’t know, it’s still running around outside.”

Tofu turkey? 
No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn’t Thanksgiving without turkey.  A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

—–

Then there’s the lady who was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.  She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

 

Humor #649

Top 10 Signs You’re Over the Hill

1. When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. Your best friend is dating someone half his age and isn’t breaking any laws.

4. You wear black socks with sandals.

5. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

8. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

9. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.

10. You forget that you already had your 50th birthday.

Humor #648

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, “Please, is there a doctor in the house?!”

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, “Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice girl?”

—–

The teacher noticed that Little Johnny had arrived at school wearing only one glove.

“Why have you only got one glove?” she asked.

“Well, Miss,” explained Little Johnny, “I was watching the weather forecast on TV last night, and it said it was going to be quite sunny but on the other hand it could get quite cold.”

—–

Question on second-grade math quiz: “Tony drank 1/6 of a glass of juice. Emily drank 1/4 of a glass of juice. Emily drank more. Explain.”

My grandson’s answer: “She was more thirsty.”

—–

My husband, a computer-systems trouble-shooter, rode with me in my new car one afternoon. He had been working on a customer’s computer all morning and was still tense from the session.

When I stopped for a traffic light, I made sure to leave a safe distance from the stop line to keep oncoming drivers from hitting the car.

I couldn’t help but laugh when my husband impatiently waved at me to move the car forward while saying, “Scroll up, honey.”

Humor #647

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline (an area where Canadian tourists frequently visit) when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was. Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Montreal Canadiens hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark!

At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys, roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Montreal fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach.

After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, “I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Leafs and the Canadiens, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and companionship that could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow.” He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, “Who was that?”

“That,” one answered, “was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom”.

“Well,” the harpooner replied, “he doesn’t know a thing about shark fishing!! Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?”

Humor #646

The Law of Parenthood

There is the Law of Gravity – and then, there is the Law of Parenthood

– A child’s behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

– Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

– The choice of a preschooler’s best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

– A child’s enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent’s enjoyment.

– The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

– A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

– The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

Humor #645

TIPS FROM COWBOYS, EVERYDAY WISDOM #2

~ Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

~ If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.

~ When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

~ Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back.

~ Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat.

It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.

~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.