Humor #659

Dieting – New Year Resolutions

2016: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2017: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2018: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2019: I will work out 3 days a week.

2020: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

—–

I went to my Doctor and he suggested I do some exercises. Here is my new regiment…

  1. Jump to conclusions
  2. Climb the walls
  3. Drag my heels
  4. Push my luck
  5. Make mountains out of molehills
  6. Bend over backwards
  7. Run in circles
  8. Put my foot in my mouth

—–

The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny’s had an odd element in it.

“Johnny, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?

“It’s the flea, teacher.”

“What flea?” asked the teacher.

To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse: “Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt. There’s Mary; there’s Jesus; and there’s the flea.”

—–

I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.

He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.

—–

 

 

Hummor #658

merry-xmas-fade

On the 90th day of Christmas, my true love said to me: “You take Christmas too seriously.”

—-

I don’t think I’ll attend Christmas dinner this year. 

My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she said she’s going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

—–

Top 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don’t like:

10) Hey! There’s a gift.

9.) Well, well, well…

8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would’ve fit.

7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

5.) If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1.) I really don’t deserve this.

—–

 

 

Hummor #657

Merry Christmas!

Organizational Changes at the North Pole

Organizational Changes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of the season’s gift distribution business. Online shopping and Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa’s market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Hummor #656

When  luggage goes missing.A student was heading home for the holidays.

When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York and as she gave the agent her luggage she asked,

“I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”

The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t to that.”

“Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”

—–

Christmas time is a season when many people are more interested in the present than the past.

—–

96villager1Many years ago, I was casting kids at our church for the annual Christmas play. I gave the children choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.

One 5-year-old couldn’t decide, so I said, “Luke, you can be a Villager.”

He said, “OK,” and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them:

“Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!”

—–

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation.

His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn’t help. Her son’s memory was blank.

Finally, she leaned forward and whispered the cue, “I am the light of the world.”

The child beamed proudly and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said,

“My mom is the light of the world.”

Humor #655

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

“How are we faring?” asks the king.

“Sire,” replies the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.”

“What?!” shrieks the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”

“Oh, no…” says the knight. “Well, you do now.”

—–

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook … ?

At a second hand store!

—–

A woman calls her mother.

“My husband and I have been fighting so much lately. I am going to come live with you again.”

Her mother replies, “No dear, he should pay for his mistakes. I am coming to live with you.”

—–

A man went to his neighbor and asked, “Can you please lend me your stepladder?”

“I wish I could but I lent it to my son a couple of years back and he never returned it,” the neighbor replied.

“That reminds me. My mom used to say that if you lent something to the one who is born to you it will never come back.”

“I don’t know about that,” the neighbor began, “but in fact it is not my own. It belongs to my dad.”

Humor #654

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

—–

A 4 year old boy was asked to give thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited–and waited.

After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

—–

Yellowstone tourist: “Look at all those big rocks! Wherever did they come from?”

Yellowstone guide: “The glaciers brought them down.”

Tourist (cluelessly): “But where are the glaciers?”

Guide (wearily): “The glaciers … have gone back for more rocks.”

—–

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Humor #653

Life is like a Rubik’s cube…

Easy to mess up, hard to solve.

—–

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. “You say you’re here,” he inquired, “because your family is worried about your taste in socks?”

“That’s correct,” muttered the patient. “I like wool socks.”

“But that’s perfectly normal,” replied the doctor. “Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks.”

“You DO?” exclaimed the man. “With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?”

—–

When I became a licensed chiropractor, I moved back to my hometown and soon had a thriving practice. One morning I saw a new patient whom I recognized as my old high school principal.

“Gee,” I said nervously, “I’m a little surprised to see you here.”

“Why?” he replied. “You certainly spent a great deal of time in my office.”

—–

As a young preacher, my small church had limited facilities, so we held baptisms in a creek. With alligators in the area, however, that was less than ideal.

Then a minister friend suggested I bring my next group of baptismal candidates to his church for a joint baptismal service. Naturally, I accepted.

The baptismal pool had a clear front so the congregation could see everything. When the baptisms were finished, curtains were drawn, and I was left alone in the pool for a moment. The building had no air conditioning, and it was quite hot. I thought how nice it would feel to take a little dip. I glided to one end, turned, and backstroked to the other end.

Hearing a riotous uproar in the church, I looked toward the congregation.

The curtain was down only to the top of the glass! An astonished and amused congregation had been watching my every move.