Humor #674

The congregation of a small stone church decided that the stone which formed the step up to the front door had become too worn by its years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there were hardly any funds available for the replacement. Then someone came up with the bright idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning the block of stone over.

They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.

—–

The Town was So Small …

The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.

Main Street – one block long – dead ends in both directions.

McDonald’s only has one Golden Arch.

The phone book has only one page.

The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 – 5&1/2.

The New Year’s baby was born in October.

The ZIP code is a fraction.

The city limit signs are both on the same post.

Second Street is in the next town over.

There’s no place to go that you shouldn’t.

A “Night on the Town” takes only 11 minutes.

The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.

—–

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they’d leave.

Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. “This I’ve got to see,” I thought. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.

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Humor #673

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried:

“Daddy, where’s Mommy?”

—–

One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any responses to your ad that you’re looking for a night watchman?”

“Yeah, we got robbed last night.”

—–

My history teacher gave me an “F” for a final grade.

When I asked her why she failed me she said, “I didn’t fail you. You failed yourself.”

I said, “In that case, I think I’m going to change my grade.”

—–

Old man Fielding, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode. Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.

Fielding, much taken aback, began, “Why am I left with a rundown shack when all of these others have fine mansions?”

“Well, sir,” replied St.  Peter, “we did the best we could with the money you sent us.”

Humor #672

Ten Things Engineering School Didn’t Teach You

1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
9. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, go into software.
10. Dilbert is not a comic strip; it’s a documentary.

Humor #671

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to represent a long-term client. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney emailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”

The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately!”

—–

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

“I have the most unusual act,” he announces. “I’m sure it will amaze you.”

He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows and the man begins to fly. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario says, “Is that all you’ve got? Bird impressions?”

—–

Child: “Mom, can I go out to play?”

Mom: “What? With those holes in your pants?”

Child: (looking down at his pants) “No, with the kids next door…”

—–

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. “Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?”

“I’ve got a kickstand,” the prospect replied. “Is that the same thing?”

Humor #670

Don’t give up hope; there’s a chance the inevitable won’t happen

—–

“Is there one big difference in your marriage today compared to when you were first married?” asked the interviewer.

“Well,” said the man after pondering for moment, “it now takes me all night to do what I used to do all night.”

—–

Saw a lad standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing?

He was just checking his balance.

—–

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.

“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board of the church,” said the minister.

“That is why I am here,” said the man. “If there is anyone here today more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him or her.”

Humor #669

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That’s humerus.

—–

Doctor: “I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. We have to operate on you again.”

Patient: “Are you kidding me?!?! Tell you what Doc, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!”

—–

John left his twin twelve year old boys in the car while he went into a store. While there he spotted a vender selling ice cream cones. He bought one chocolate and one vanilla for the boys.

When he got back to the car he asked them which one they wanted. The boys looked at the ice cream cones for a few seconds trying to decide.

A sly grin came across one boys face. He pointed to his brother and said, “I want his!”

—–

A blind man with his seeing eye dog walked into a bar.

The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head.

The bartender ran up and asked, “Man, What on earth are you doing?”

The blind man replied, “Just looking around.”

Humor #668

What steps should you take if you ever come across a dangerous animal in the wilderness?

Very large & fast ones.

—–

A minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded, “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures. I don’t know what happened, I just couldn’t stop!”

—–

Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no BS tomorrow morning,” he said.

He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study’.”

—–

Dr. Cutter is the local veterinarian in Kennebec County, Maine. He was well-known in town for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

“A hundred and fifty dollars, Ma’am,” he answered.

“Why that’s simply outrageous!” she stormed. “That’s what’s wrong with you Maine people, you’re always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we’re not being gypped here?”

“We raise porcupines, Ma’am.”

Humor #667

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

– W.C. Fields

—–

Kofi walks in to a restaurant and wants to order chicken. Unfortunately, English is not his first language and he can’t remember how to say chicken in English.

Kofi sees the guy at the table next to him with a plate with 4 boiled eggs on it.

Kofi points to the plate of eggs and says to the waiter, “I want their mother!”

—–

Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino’s holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.

“I haven’t ordered any pizza,” I said. “This must be a mistake.”

“No, it’s not,” he replied. “Your neighbor forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner.”

—–

An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find a horseshoe was nailed to the wall over his desk.

The American said with a nervous laugh, “Surely you don’t believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?”

Bohr chuckled. “I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not! How can one argue with such logic?”