A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.
Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried:
“Daddy, where’s Mommy?”
One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any responses to your ad that you’re looking for a night watchman?”
“Yeah, we got robbed last night.”
My history teacher gave me an “F” for a final grade.
When I asked her why she failed me she said, “I didn’t fail you. You failed yourself.”
I said, “In that case, I think I’m going to change my grade.”
Old man Fielding, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode. Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.
Fielding, much taken aback, began, “Why am I left with a rundown shack when all of these others have fine mansions?”
“Well, sir,” replied St. Peter, “we did the best we could with the money you sent us.”