Humor #682

Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver’s windshield:

“Please don’t take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don’t say I never towed you!”

—–

When her husband came home unexpectedly, the young wife opened the window and told her lover to jump.

“You’re mad, this is the thirteenth floor!” he replied, shocked.

“Just jump, this is no time for superstitions!”

—–

Carl: I heard a new joke the other day. I wonder if I told it to you?

Lenny: Is it funny?

Carl: Yes.

Lenny: Then you didn’t.

—–

Little Johnny came home from his first day at school.

Little Johnny: I’m not going back tomorrow!

Mom: Why not, what happened?

Little Johnny: Well, I cant read and I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk—so what’s the use?

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Humor #681

When I was eight my Dad was taking me to see a movie. On the way there I asked him if he would buy me some gum. He said, “No, you don’t need any.”

After arriving at the theater and taking ours seats, Dad changed his mind. He told me it would be okay for me to have some gum and he was going to get it.

I spoke up and said, “You don’t need to buy me gum anymore, Daddy. I found some under the seat.”

—–

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant’s head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: “Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??”

—–

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

“I’ll tell you why,” said Deacon Brown. “Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.”

“Well,” interrupted the dealer, “didn’t you receive them yet?”

“Oh, we received them all right,” replied Deacon Brown.

“However, you sent us some golf pencils…each stamped with the words, ‘Play Golf Next Sunday’.”

—–

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank..

The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type-O!”

Humor #680

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor,”You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.”

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, “You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was so guilty, so I told him to split.”

—–

A girl is doing a crossword puzzle…

“What’s a 7-letter word for ‘easily perceived or understood’ that starts with ‘O’?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“It should be, but I can’t figure it out. That’s why I’m asking.”

—–

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $50,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the host MC that he desired a question on American History.

The big night arrived. Bob made his way onstage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The MC stepped up to the mike.

“Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $50,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?”

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence – the crowd went wild. He hadn’t missed a question all week.

“Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?”

Bob was becoming noticeably more nervous. He couldn’t believe it, but he was uncertain; American History was his best subject, and he played it safe.

“I’ll try the easier part first.”

The MC nodded approvingly. “Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.”

The audience grew silent with gross anticipation…

“Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?”

—–

While most puns make me feel numb, mathematics puns make me feel number.

Humor #679

Store keeper: Good morning Sir! How may I help you?

Customer: Why is this water bottle cost so much? It’s $20 per liter!

Store Keeper: Sir, this is pure water from an ancient glacier of the Alps. That’s why it is very costly.

Customer: Pure water from the Alps, huh? Then why is the date of expiration September 2019?

—–

A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: “Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000.”

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.

Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, “So what did you do with the money?”

—–

Rabbi Bloom caught two of his rabbinical students gambling and drinking on Sabbath.

Next day, Rabbi Bloom called them into his office and asked them what was going on.

They immediately confessed to having given in to weakness and agreed that they deserved some form of punishment for their sin.

Rabbi Bloom thought a lot about this and then came up with the answer. He bought two bags of dried peas from the delicatessen and told them, “Put these in your shoes and walk on them for a week to remind yourselves how hard life can be when you turn away from God.”

A few days later, the two students met each other in the street. One had a pronounced limp and had dark circles under his eyes. He looked very tired and weary. On the other hand, the other was the same as he had been before.

“Hey,” said the first. “How is it that you are walking so easily? Why didn’t you do as the Rabbi asked and put the peas in your shoes?”

“I did,” said the other. “But I boiled them first.”

—–

The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. “Do you have a second mortgage on your home?”

“No,” I replied.

“Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”

“I really don’t have any,” I said.

“How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” he tried.

“I don’t need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash,” I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, “Are you looking for a husband?”

Humor #678

I’m always in the right place!

Unfortunately it’s always at the wrong time.

—–

The tot had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother’s patience was wearing thin.

“I don’t want to hear you call ‘Mother’ one more time!” she warned him sternly.

After a few minutes of quiet, a small voice came from upstairs, “Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?”

—–

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.

He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, “An umbrella?? Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?”

The kid answered, “Did you ever have a mother?”

—–

A young secretary in my office was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had on her vacation. She then asked her boss for two weeks leave in which to get married.

“But you just had two weeks off,” said the boss. “Why didn’t you get married then?”

“What, and ruin my vacation?” she whined.

Humor #677

Little Mary talking to Little Johnny: I found twenty cents on the sidewalk.

Little Johnny: That’s mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning.

Little Mary: But, what I found was two ten-cent coins!

Little Johnny: That’s it. I heard it break when it hit the ground.

—–

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.”

“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.

“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac

—–

People’s parents actually give them sage advice, like “Do what you love, and the money will follow” or “The early bird gets the worm.”

All I remember is, “Don’t fill up on bread.”

—–

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son’s room, a mother finally laid down the law. Each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.

By the end of the week, he owed her $9.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read, “Thanks, Mom, keep up the good work!”

Humor #676

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, what is butt dust?”

Church was pretty much over at that point …

—–

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the gentleman, “my son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date. He’ll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl.”

“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.

“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”

—–

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” he explained. “It took us awhile to find a new pilot.”

—–

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.

“So, tell me, Nurse,” he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, “what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?”

—–

 

Humor #675

Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

—–

Little Johnny, on recess, was carrying a car door while playing outside with his buddies on a very hot day.

His teacher called him over to ask, “Why?”

Little Johnny replied, “If I get too hot, I can roll down the car window!”

—–

I’ve started growing herbs in my garden.

To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order.

My neighbour asked me, “How do you find the time?”

I said, “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”

—–

My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives…

I told her that is not true. I said, “I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine.”