Humor #690

Ambivialent? Well, yes and no.

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My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

—–

Two businessmen walk into a diner in the countryside. They have decided to stop there for lunch, so without ordering anything they sit down, take out sandwiches from their bags and begin to eat them.

The waiter sees this and says to them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

So the businessmen look at each other, shrug, and swap sandwiches.

—–

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?

That’s common sense leaving your body.

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As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone.

She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

“Give this to your husband,” he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. “He’s been yelling for it for 15 minutes!”

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Humor #689

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Tonight’s subject is prayer. Some people are very proud of the fact that they don’t pray, others are proud of the fact that they do pray. I heard of one family who had some visitors coming to lunch and they wanted to show-off to their visitors how well they had bought up their children and how well their children prayed.

So when it came to lunch they said to their son, Johnny, “Johnny, why don’t you pray?” Johnny looked rather embarrassed and he said, “I can’t.” So, the mother just whispered to him, “Johnny, just say what Daddy said at breakfast.”

So he shut his eyes and said, “Oh God [pause] why do we have to have these awful people over for lunch today?”

—–

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

—–

Woman: Do you love me?

Man: Yes, dear.

Woman: Would you die for me?

Man: No… mine is an undying love.

—–

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

“Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied, “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

God Is Our Source

I’ve been reminded of a favorite verse from “Before the Throne of God Above” …

“When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upwards I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
For the sinless Savior died
That my sinful soul may be counted free.
For God the Just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.”

You can change those first two lines to…

“When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the negatives circumstances around me…”

We still need to keep looking up to God for…

“Though Satan should buffet
Though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed His own blood for my soul.”
(From “It Is Well With My Soul”)

May you not waver in believing God’s promise. In fact, let your faith grow stronger, and in this bring glory to God. May you be fully convinced that God is able to do whatever He promises. Amen (from Rom 4:20-21)

 

Bless the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all His benefits.

Humor #688

An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service.

One day after church, the pastor couldn’t resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, “I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that.”

The wife looked up sharply and said, “It’s not love, Pastor, I’m just keeping him from cracking his knuckles.”

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While working in the psychology department at a local college, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a meeting. I called the copy room and asked, “Can I get something blown up down there?”

After a pause, the voice on the line replied, “I think you want the chemistry lab.”

—–

For years my sister’s husband tried unsuccessfully to persuade her to get a hearing aid.

“How much do they cost?” she asked one day after he had pitched the idea to her again.

“They’re usually about $3000,” he said.

“Okay, well if you say something worth $3000,” she replied, “I’ll get one.”

—–

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they have to do it while you’re eating dinner.

—–

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left!

Humor #687

On my four-year-old daughter’s first trip to Disneyland, she couldn’t wait to get on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.

When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, “Next time, you drive. I didn’t know where I was going.”

—–

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” and she began telling him about her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife’s turn to talk she took the receiver and said, “Hi, honey.”

“Thank goodness, lady,” the voice on the other end replied. “I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!”

—–

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good night’s sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”

“Why not?” he asks.

She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”

Her husband is confused. “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”

The wife is adamant, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

His wife is certain. “I know I’m dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”

—–

A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop’s Grocery Store. Pop didn’t know what Sammy’s problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed.

To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could have just one. They said he always took the nickel because it was bigger.

One day after Sammy took the nickel, Pop pulled him to one side and said, “Son, don’t you know they’re making fun of you? They think you don’t know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you really grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

“No,” Sammy said, “but if I took the dime they’d quit doing it!”

Humor #686

Two students were talking about their childhood.

“I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk.”

“You call that clever?” the other said. “I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!”

—–

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked, “What is the quickest way to the lake?”

The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist.

“I’m driving.”

“That’s the quickest way.”

—–

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes.

I asked her, “What should I do to stop my addiction?”

She said, “Hey, whatever means necessary.”

“No, no it doesn’t,” I said.

—–

After reviewing Little Johnny’s report card, Johnny’s mother gave praise for the marks he received except for one class. “Johnny, I wish you would pay a little attention to your arithmetic.”

“Well I do,” Johnny replied. “I pay as little attention to arithmetic as possible.”

Humor #685

During the vows at the wedding the minister asks the bride to be, “Do you take this man to be your wedded husband for better or worse?”

The bride answers, “Just as he is Father. If he gets any better, I know the Lord will take him, and if he gets any worse, I’ll tend to him myself.”

—–

Him: “Since Mr. Wilson has lost his money, half his friends don’t know him anymore.”

Her: “And the other half?”

Him: “They don’t know yet that he’s lost his money.”

—–

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you. I’m a psychologist.”

“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”

“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”

—–

“When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore.

She asked, “What are the age and make of the vehicle?”

Mark replied, “It’s a ’65 Ford.” Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added, “It’s an old fossil.”

Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned. “Is there a problem?” asked Mark.

“Mr. Evans, our computers have a lot of automotive data,” she explained, “but it’s never heard of a Ford Fossil.”

Humor #684

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, “I’m at Post Office Box 99.”

The weary lineman replied, “Ma’am, I’ll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope.”

—–

Teacher: Are you good in history?

Little Johnny: Yes and no.

Teacher: What does that mean?

Little Johnny: Yes, I’m no good in history.

—–

“Yes,” said the lawyer to his client. “You have got the best case I have ever heard.”

“Thanks,” said the client, grabbing up his coat and heading out the door.

“Where are you going?” ask the astonished lawyer.

“I’m going to settle this case out of court,” said the leaving client.

“But I told you it is the best case I have ever heard?”

“Maybe,” began the client, “but not for me, I told you the other fellow’s case.”

—–

The teacher asked her student to write on the chalkboard the number 55. The student asked, “How do I do that?”

Teacher replied, “Write down the number 5, and beside it add another 5.”

The student wrote one 5 and stopped. The teacher inquired, “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know which side to write the other 5?”

Humor #683

One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year.

“Why don’t you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?” one of them suggested.

“I thought of that,” he replied, “but my keyboard doesn’t have Roman numerals on it.”

—–

Chaos, panic and disorder … my work here is done.

~~ A toddler

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I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

—–

A telemarketer calls, “I would like to speak with Max, please.”

The homeowner reluctantly replies, “I suppose that would be possible, but it seems rather strange.”

The telemarketer responds, “Why would that be?”

The homeowner answers, “This is the first time we’ve ever had a call for the dog.”

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My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Dorian, Lydian and Diminished. The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.