Humor #706

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

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A man walked into a record store and asked the assistant, “Have you got anything by The Doors?”

“Yes,” she said, “a bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

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When it comes to telling her age, she’s shy…

About 10 years shy!!!

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The bank robber enters the bank with his gun drawn in plain site.

He walks to the middle of the lobby, pauses for a few seconds, turns around a couple of times, and then approaches a teller.

Then scratching his temple with the gun barrel, he says to the teller, “Do you ever enter a room and forget why?”

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Humor #705

I made a graph of all my past relationships…

It has an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.

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Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.

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After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. She then carefully applied cold cream all over her face except her eyes, which she outlined with a different cream. She then proceeded to put her hair in high rollers.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was that?”

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A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting.

He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one of the fellows and left it on his desk:

“I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.”

At 7:00 pm, the man stopped at his desk and found this note:

“Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, Goober!”

Humor #704

Scientists studying the effects of marijuana on seabirds have left no tern unstoned.

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During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, “I’ve got papers and magazines strewn all over the place — I don’t need any more.”

Philip’s reply? “Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?”

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One morning at our small-town newspaper office, one of the editors was struggling to write a headline for the obituary of a woman who was noted for little besides a fondness for crossword puzzles.

“What am I supposed to write?” the editor whined. “She liked puzzles?”

Just then one of our copy editors piped up, “How about, ‘Crossword fan is now six down.'”

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A woman wakes up to find her husband cooking stir-fry in the middle of the night.

“Wake up, Frank! You’re sleep-wokking again!”

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Death and taxes are inevitable…

But at least death doesn’t get worse every year!

Love Letter From God

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. – Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. – Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. – Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. – Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. – Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being. – Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. – Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. – Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. – Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book.
– Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. – Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. – Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother’s womb. – Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. – Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me. – John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. – 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. – 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. – 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. – Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. – Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. – James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. – Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. – Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. – Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.
– Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. – Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. – Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. – Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. – Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. – Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. – Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. – Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. – Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. – Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. – 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. – Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb; I have carried you close to my heart. – Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. – Revelation 21:3-4
And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. – Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. – John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. – John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. – Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. – Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. – 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. – 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. – 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. – Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. – 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. – Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. – Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father. – Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is… Will you be my child? – John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. – Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad Almighty God

Humor #703

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk. “Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation was a success.”

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When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. “The first seven years are the hardest,” she said.

“How long have you been married?” I asked.

“Seven years,” she replied.

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The conductor turned to the viola student and said, “You should have taken up the viola earlier.”

“Why?” asked the student. “Do you think the practice would have made me really good?”

“No,” said the conductor. “But you might have given up by now.”

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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”

“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”

Humor #702

I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that…

After all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.

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A lady was taking her first golf lesson. She asked the instructor, “Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?”

“P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “P-u-t means to place something where you want it. P-u-t-t means, merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”

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An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked.

“Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”

“Yes — so what?”

“Think about it,” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle — how does it know?”

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Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song “Yes, we have no bananas”.

Guy 1: I love this song!

Guy 2: Yes. I think it’s written by Mozart.

Guy 1: Of course it’s not. They didn’t make swing music in Mozart’s time.

Guy 2: Yes they did!

Guy 1: You’re stupid! They didn’t even have bananas back then.

Guy 2: I know, that’s the name of the song!

Humor #701

Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again!

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My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested “prior experience,” he wrote “lifeguard.” That was it. Nothing else.

“We’re looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself as well,” said the hiring manager. “How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?”

My friend replied, “I couldn’t swim.”

He got the job.

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Some men were swapping stories about their war experiences. One fellow who had been in the Foreign Legion was saying, “There we were, it was night, the odds were 1,000 to 3. We didn’t know what to do.”

“Well, what did you do?” another asked.

“When morning came, we charged and got all three of them!”

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Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that’s how far behind I am.

 

Humor #700

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. “I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!”

The crowd went wild, shouting “Hoya!  Hoya!” The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. “I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!”

“Hoya!  Hoya!” cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

“I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!” The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting “Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!”

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

“Sure,” the Chief said, “but be careful not to step in the hoya.”

Humor #699

The Real Meaning of Hotel slogans

Old world charm …………………………… No bath

Options galore …………………………….. Nothing is included in the itinerary

No extra fees ………………………………. No extras

Nominal fee ………………………………… Outrageous charge

Standard ……………………………………. Sub-standard

Deluxe ………………………………………. Standard

Superior …………………………………….. One free shower cap

Cozy …………………………………………. Small

All the amenities ………………………….. Two free shower caps

Plush ………………………………………… Top and bottom sheets