I made a graph of all my past relationships…
It has an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. She then carefully applied cold cream all over her face except her eyes, which she outlined with a different cream. She then proceeded to put her hair in high rollers.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was that?”
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting.
He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one of the fellows and left it on his desk:
“I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.”
At 7:00 pm, the man stopped at his desk and found this note:
“Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, Goober!”