Humor #714

Coronavirus One-Liners (Groaners)

* Finland has just closed their borders, so nobody will be crossing the Finnish line.

* Due to the quarantine, I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

* There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months. Then around the year 2033, we shall witness the rise of the “quaranteens.”

* World Health Organization has determined that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously being held in quarantine will be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

* I’ll tell you a Coronavirus joke, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

* I ran out of toilet paper, so I had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.

* What do you call panic buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? A Wurst Kase scenario.

* In my day, you would cough to cover up a fart. Now you fart to cover up a cough.

* The grocery stores in France look like a tornado hit them. All that’s left is de brie.

* So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.


Humor #713

Pesky Telemarketer

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, “Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?” This didn’t sound anything like my name, so I asked, “Who is calling?”

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, “Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood.”

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.

Humor #712

More Light Bulb Jokes

How many frat boys does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, and the other two to help him down off the keg.

How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
While this topic is of great importance, we will resume this discussion at our next meeting. Meanwhile…..

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to almost screw it in all the way, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s out?? Sell my stock in light bulbs now!!

How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Excuse me, that’s a hardware problem.

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Before I answer that, is it possible to work around the problem in software?

How many union plumbers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Union plumbers don’t change light bulbs; union electricians change light bulbs.

Humor #711

At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself.

As he concluded, he said, “And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children.”

As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, “You see, my wife is unbearable.”

Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: “What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable.”

As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, “That is, my wife, she is impregnable!”

Humor #710

I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed. One afternoon my wife and I were packing to move, when I received a call to report to a crime scene.

“I have to go,” I told my wife. “Two of our guards have been held up at gunpoint at a superstore.”

As I dashed out the door, she called, “While you’re there, pick up some big cardboard boxes.”


As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully. “Let me take these home,” he said, “and I’ll show you a real Marine Corps shine.”

The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe, shining like glass. “This is the way a Marine shines a shoe,” he said. “Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it.”


It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office.

He told the florist to write “Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2” on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card.

It read “Happy Anniversary. You’re Number 2.”


Son to dad: “Dad, why don’t you buy me a car?”

Dad: “My dear son, God gave you two legs for what purpose?”

Son: “One leg is for the brake and the other for the accelerator.”

Humor #709

There was this limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer…

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.


Within a year, our Young Couples Department at church had grown from one class of eight active couples to four classes with 56 active couples!

On Baby Dedication Sunday that year, we had 19 babies!

Our Pastor was so excited. He stood in the pulpit that Sunday with 19 babies and their parents facing him. He wanted to brag on these couples and the great job that they had done growing this Young Couples Department. However, here’s what he actually said: “Just look at ALL these babies! Folks, this just goes to show what our young couples have been doing!!!”

The laughter started and continued for several minutes. Every time the pastor tried to say something, the laughter would begin again. Finally, the red-faced pastor added, “For which we are grateful.”


The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

“We live in a great country,” she announced. “One of the things we should be happy about is, in this country we are all free.”

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, “I’m not free. I’m four!”


The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. “Give me the full treatment,” the man said. “I want to look good in the parade!”

After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. “I’m going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was done and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “It looks like your daddy forgot all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, “Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!”


Humor #708

Covid-19 Thoughts – #2
Not original but I thought I would pass them on.

Never in my whole life would I imagine my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth!

Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country.

Ladies… time to start dating the older dudes. They can get you into the grocery store early.

I can’t believe I can walk into a store to buy weed, but I have to meet my hairdresser in a dark alley with unmarked bills to get a haircut.

Have you noticed that since beauty salons are closed, selfies are down 68%?

Sitting at the bar in the kitchen at night, I tried a pickup line on my wife. She gave me a fake phone number. What’s up with that?

It’s been a blessing being home with the wife for six weeks now. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong for the past 20 years.

Not to brag, but I haven’t been late for anything for the past 21 days!

Breaking news: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent coronavirus, but to stop eating.” –

Humor #707

Covid-19 Thoughts – #1
Not original but I thought I would pass them on.

They say you can’t fix stupid. Turns out you can’t quarantine it either.

I don’t like the fact that my chances of survival seem to be linked to the common sense of others.

People keep asking, ‘Is coronavirus really that serious?’ Listen up! Casinos and churches are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it’s probably pretty serious.

Now that teachers finally have a chance to use the restroom, there’s no toilet paper.

Shout out to all the parents who never taught their kids respect, and now they’re stuck at home with the little darlings.

Have to say that the Class of 2020 outdid themselves with Senior Skip Day this year.

Cops now say… ‘Come out with your hands washed!’

Police confront nudist sunbathers over not wearing face masks amid coronavirus outbreak.

And just like that… having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, plastic sheeting, and rope in your trunk is OK.