Humor #738

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: “Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”

—–

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches.

The boy asked what they were for. “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his older brother explained.

“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go, He showed up!”

—–

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

—–

One day a man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of water. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the man by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, “Why did you do that?”

The man said very apologetically, “I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can’t help it. It’s an illness I can’t get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?”

The bartender answered, “Haven’t you seen anyone about this problem?”

The man replied, “I never thought of that. Maybe I will.”

The bartender said, “Don’t come back until you do get help,” and the man left. About three months later the man came back to the same bar. He ordered another glass of water, drank half of it, and poured the rest on the bartender.

The bartender shouted, “I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!”

The man replied, “I did, and it worked out great! Now I don’t feel ashamed at all!”

Humor #737

REAL ANSWERS FROM CHILDREN

 These, are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

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Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists..

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Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

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Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

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Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

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Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

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Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

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Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

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Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).

A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

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Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

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Q: What does “varicose” mean?

A: Nearby.

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Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

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Q: What does the word “benign” mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Humor #736

Man: I’m new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?

Little boy: I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.

Man: Why should I pay you so much?

Little boy: Because bank directors are always highly paid.

—–

Man: I’m new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?

Little boy: I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.

Man: Why should I pay you so much?

Little boy: Because bank directors are always highly paid.

—–

For my grandmother’s 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. “That was a nice shot,” I commented.

“It’s my passport picture,” she revealed.

“Really?” I stared in complete amazement at my homebody grandma. “Where did you go?”

“Walgreens,” she replied

—–

I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. “She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return,” she said.

“What an example of true love,” I replied. “I wonder if you’d be that concerned about me?”

“Honey,” my wife answered, “if you were gone overnight, and I didn’t know where you were, you can be sure I’d be waiting for you at the front door.”

Humor #735

Dad was angry when he saw that his son scored a zero in math.

“Son, can you explain this to me?”

“Well dad, the teacher didn’t have any stars left to give me, so she gave me a moon!”

—–

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.

The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times!”

—–

Steve phoned his dentist when he received a huge bill. “I’m shocked!” he complained. “This is three times what you normally charge.”

“Yes, I know,” said the dentist. “But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients.”

—–

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends, waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-in-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.”

Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?”

Kelly: “This is my mother.”

Humor #734

An employee went to see his supervisor. “Boss,” he said, “we’re doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife asked me for some help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re shorthanded,” the boss replied. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thank you,” said the employee. “I knew I could count on you!”

—–

When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, “Why do we ignore some letters ‘H’ like in hour, honest, honor, etc?”

Ms. Doris replied, “We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent.”

During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her packed lunch & asked me to heat it in the cafeteria. I ate all the food and returned her an empty container.

Ms. Doris asked me, “What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food & you are returning me an empty container?”

“I’m sorry, Ms. Doris, I thought the ‘H’ was silent.”

—–

A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”

—–

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.

She asked, “What are their names?”

The blonde replied, “That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex.”

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Helllooo?” said the blonde. “They’re watch dogs…”

Humor #733

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

“Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Are you giving up?”

—–

A schoolteacher’s son brought his report card home. The father said, “Let’s see what you have accomplished…”

He opens the report and to his dismay sees all bad grades. “What do you have to say about this Johnny?”

“Well dad, at least you know I’m not cheating!”

—–

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week, in the outdoors.

“Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered, so I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.”

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one heck of an outdoor woman!”

“No,” the woman replied, “I’m just a really bad golfer!”

—–

After months of searching, Pat found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it frustrated him that his employer gave him little training.

One day Pat heard about some training classes coming up and asked his boss if he might attend.

“For sure,” his boss said. “I was already planning on sending you.”

“You were?”

“Oh yes, who do you think is going to be teaching it?”

Humor #732

“Boss can I have a week off around Christmas?”

“It’s May…”

“Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”

—–

A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.

“Nonsense,” scolded the doctor. “You wouldn’t know if you had that. With that particular disease there’s no discomfort of any kind.”

“Oh no!” gasped the patient. “Those are my symptoms exactly.”

—–

An older lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

“Can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady.

“Yes you can,” he replied.

“Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m so tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!”

—–

I was the new coach of a Little League baseball team and had not yet learned the names of my players.

At our first game, I called each boy by the number on his uniform. When I yelled, “Number 5, your time to bat,” Jeffrey came to the plate. When I called for “Number 7,” Tyler jumped up. Then I yelled for “Number 1” but no one emerged from the dugout. Again I called for Number 1. Still, no one came forward.

As the umpire looked on, annoyed at this delay of the game, I shouted; “Who’s number 1?”

That’s when the whole team yelled, “We are, Coach! We are!”

Humor #731

A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”

The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”

“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman:

 “Buy a television.”

—–

I’m not indecisive … unless you want me to be.

—–

My mom, a nurse, was having an insane evening in the emergency room. First, a woman who had delivered her baby in a car was rushed in. Next was a man carrying a lifeless body yelling, “Help me!” In the middle of all this, a patient escaped from the psychiatric ward, tore off her clothes, and went running through the halls naked.

During a lull, Mom called home. “You wouldn’t believe the night I’m having,” she said to my dad.

“Can’t talk now,” he interrupted. “I’m watching ER.”

—–

My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him…

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

—–

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.

The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, “Only caught one, eh?”