Humor #731

A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”

The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”

“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman:

 “Buy a television.”


I’m not indecisive … unless you want me to be.


My mom, a nurse, was having an insane evening in the emergency room. First, a woman who had delivered her baby in a car was rushed in. Next was a man carrying a lifeless body yelling, “Help me!” In the middle of all this, a patient escaped from the psychiatric ward, tore off her clothes, and went running through the halls naked.

During a lull, Mom called home. “You wouldn’t believe the night I’m having,” she said to my dad.

“Can’t talk now,” he interrupted. “I’m watching ER.”


My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him…

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.


A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.

The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, “Only caught one, eh?”