Humor #785

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.

One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, “Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?”

Jerry answered, “Dad says ‘Go easy on the butter, kids – it’s three bucks a pound!'”


In my Sunday school class the focus was marriage or divorce, “The rapidly increasing divorce rate,” remarked one member of the group, “indicates that America is indeed becoming the land of the free.”

“Yes,” replied the prosaic friend, “but the continued marriage rate suggests that America is still the home of the brave.”


You know children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.


A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water, “Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes.”


Humor #784

The only problem with buying a book on amnesia is that you are likely to forget where you put it!


A visiting minister was eloquent during the offertory prayer.

“Dear Lord,”  he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you we are but dust. . . “

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,……………….

“Mom, what is butt dust?”


A man needed a horse, so he went to a church and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, “Thank God”, and for it to stop you say, “Amen”.

So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted “Amen!” and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.

“Whew,” said the man, “thank God!”


A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn’t want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn’t give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “Just take me to jail… ain’t no way I’m gonna pass that test.”

Humor #783

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”

“I know!” a little boy exclaimed. “Pantyhose!”


I built a model of Mount Everest.

My son asked, “Is it to scale?”

I replied, “No… it’s to look at.”


A man was going bald and told his friends he was going to get a rabbit tattooed on his head as it was a lot cheaper than an implant or a toupée.

His friends asked how getting a rabbit tattooed on his head would help?

The man replied, “Well, at least from a distance it will look like hare.”


After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn’t start because it was out of gas. A passerby told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn’t open. Just then, I noticed an identical car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger’s gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station.

“You know,” the attendant suggested helpfully, “instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here.”

Humor #782

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, “Here’s your phone.”

“What makes you think its mine?” the ref asked.

“Easy,” the coach replied. “It says you missed 13 calls!”


Some people get wiser as they get older, and others just get older.

I read in Reader’s Digest of a man who had just turned sixty, planting his spring garden, with the help of his 91-year-old father. The older man began to setup the bean poles in straight lines, but his son protested that arranging them teepee-style was better. They argued for several minutes over which method was best.

Finally, the son said, “Dad, this is my garden, and I want to use the teepees!”

The father threw down his hoe and stomped off toward the house, snorting as he went, “You kids! Turn sixty and you think you know everything!”


The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the yard foreman opened the door.

“Is that yours?” asked the officer, pointing to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.

“Uhh, yes it is,” said the foreman. “That is, it’s our company’s.”

“Would you mind moving it?” asked the officer. “We’ve set up a speed trap, and the van’s causing everyone to slow down.”


Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.”

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”

Humor #781

To everyone that received a book from me for Christmas, they’re overdue at the library.


I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating.

She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.


Two young lady friends hadn’t seen each other in a long time and decided to meet for lunch. Their conversation got around to their respective love lives.

Marcy confessed there really wasn’t anyone in her life at the moment. Heather started smiling like crazy when talking about her new beau. “He’s perfect. He’s so sweet. Then last night he said those four little words I’ve been waiting to hear.”

“What? He asked you to marry him?” Marcy asked.

Heather said, “No, he said ‘put your money away.'”


A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class.

The little girl was quite indignant.

“No, daddy, I don’t like him!” she stated. “He’s only interested in one thing.”

Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.

“Power Rangers, of course,” said the girl.


Humor #780

If You Love Someone


If you love someone, Set her free … if she ever comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was


If you love someone, Set her free … Don’t worry, she will come back.


If you love someone, Set her free … If she ever comes back, ask her why.


If you love someone, Set her free … If she doesn’t comes back soon, forget her.


If you love someone, Set her free … If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back …


If you love someone, Set her free … If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat

Animal-Rights Activist:

If you love someone, Set her free … In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!


If you love someone, Set her free … Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…

Bill Gates:

If you love someone, Set her free … If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and  tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.


If you love someone, Set her free … If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn’t, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger’s fans:

If you love someone, Set her free … SHE’LL BE BACK!

Over possessive person:

If you love someone don’t set her free.

HR specialist:

If you love someone set her free by offering her VRS and other benefits then outsource her.


If you love someone set her free instantaneously and look for others simultaneously.


If you love someone set her free. If she comes back her super ego is dominant. If she doesn’t come back her id is supreme. If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

ERP functional expert:

If you love someone set her free. If she comes back, map her into your system. If she doesn’t, carry out a gap-fit analysis.

Finance expert:

If you love someone set her free. If she comes back its time to look at fresh loans. If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert:

If you love someone set her free. If she comes back that’s brand loyalty.

Humor #779

Doctor: “Have you been drinking fluids?”

Patient: “Jeez, Doc, that’s literally all I drink.”


Two golfers met at the club. “I heard about your terrible tragedy last week,” said one.

“Yes,” said the other sadly, sipping his drink. “I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole.”

“I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too,” the first man said sympathetically. “That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds.”

“The carrying wasn’t that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out.”


Ballerinas are always on their toes…

Why don’t they just get taller ballerinas?


“So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”

“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.”

“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.”

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, but that was during office hours.”

Humor #778

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? It seems like they have an award show for everything.

They even have awards for commercials! The Clio Awards, a whole show full of commercials.

I recorded it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.


My husband and I have a magical relationship – whenever I ask him to do something, he disappears!


Terry slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff.

“Boy,” said another player disgustingly, “I really hate playing cards with a bad loser.”

“He isn’t very pleasant,” another player said, raking in the chips, “but it’s better than playing with a good winner.”


Simon: How were the exam questions?

Peter: Easy.

Simon: Then why do you look so unhappy?

Peter: The questions didn’t give me any trouble—just the answers.


Q:  How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q:  How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.

Q:  How many Management Information Services people does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712.  Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue.