Humor #809

Two Liners, Part 2

It’s been raining for days, and my wife seems so sad looking through the window.

If it continues like this, I might have to let her in.

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How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, that’s a hardware issue.

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Here’s a bit of advice for you.

Advi.

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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can’t tell me its a coincidence!

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What’s the only thing worse than constant advertisements?

You’ll find out right after these messages…

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To the guy who invented infinity,

thanks for everything.

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Humor #808

Two Liners, Part 1

I got a PlayStation 5 for my brother.

Best trade ever.

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I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

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What do you get if you mix a horse with a cat?

A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone involved.

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I broke my finger today.

On the other hand, I am okay.

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I’d tell you a joke about the PlayStation 5,

but you probably won’t get it.

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As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, 

“You know, one would have been enough.”

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According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat. So we’ve been spending most the year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

Humor #807

Junior: Mother, I can’t find my baseball mitt.

Mother: Did you look in the car?

Junior: Where in the car?

Mother: Try the glove compartment.

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I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort. “Sorry,” I replied, “but I’ve been incapacitated.”

Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.

I interrupted and said, “I’m incapacitated. Do you know what that means?”

She hesitated. “It means your head was cut off?”

—–

Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet

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Stubborn Problem

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve.

She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”

Humor #806

A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”

—–

Mrs. Goldberg was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, “How much are these oranges?”

“Two for a dollar,” answered the vendor.

“How much is just one?” she asked.

“Sixty cents,” answered the vendor.

“Then I’ll take the other one,” said Mrs. Goldberg.—–

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A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

“That’s impossible,” said the tourist. “No one could throw a coin that far!”

“You have to remember,” answered the guide. “A dollar went a lot farther in those days.”

—–

Mother (to sleeping Little Johnny): “Little Johnny, wake up! It’s twenty to eight.”

Little Johnny (half asleep): “In whose favor?”

—–

It was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms.

“Why so many?” I asked.

“My son is overseas,” she said. “He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base.”

“You shouldn’t have to do this,” I told her. “It’s the base commander’s job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.”

“I know,” she began, “I’m the base commander’s mother.”

Humor #805

An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery.

Pausing before one gravestone he said, “There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has.”

They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave.

The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, “Now there’s a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has.”

The little boy thought for a while and then said, “You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky.”

“Why?” asked the old man in surprise.

“Well, whichever place you go to, you’ll have some money to draw on.”

—–

An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.

“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

—–

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, announcing to them all to follow God’s command and “Go forth, be fruitful and multiply.”

He’s about to close the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner and not making a move to leave. So he says to them, “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.”

The snakes reply, “That command doesn’t apply to us.”

Noah shakes his head and asks why.

“We don’t,” said the snakes, “we’re adders.”

—–

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other… the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids!”

Humor #804

Doctor: I am sorry I can’t treat your ailment!

Patient: Why doctor? Is it that serious?

Doctor: No. Your ailment was not covered in my medical study book.

Patient, trembling in fear: Which book was that?

Doctor: How to become doctor in 30 days!

—–

One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on a job agency’s application is “Position Wanted.”

One seeker wrote “Sitting.”

—–

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.

She asked, “What are their names?”

The blonde replied, “That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex.”

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Helllooo?” said the blonde. “They’re watch dogs…”

—–

The new vicar at a city centre church was delighted when he received an anonymous gift. When he told the church council about it, he proposed it should be used to buy a new chandelier for the body of the church.

However, it was put to a vote and the vicar was disappointed when his proposal was narrowly defeated. The vicar noted that the church council secretary had voted against the proposal and when the meeting was over, he asked the secretary why he had not supported it.

The secretary said he had three reasons: “First, I have to write the minutes of the meeting and I can’t spell the word; second, there is sure to be an argument over who should play it; and finally, if we are going to spend money in the Church what we really need is some good lighting.”

Humor #803

England has no kidney bank…

But it does have a Liverpool.

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A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.

As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, “Say, look at that big bunch of cows.”

The hired hand replied, “Not ‘bunch,’ but ‘herd.'”

“Heard what?”

“Herd of cows.”

“Sure, I’ve heard of cows…there’s a big bunch of ’em right over there.”

—–

Ever wish you were an octopus so you could slap 8 people at a time?

—–

“I worry we are spending so much time on the Internet we are losing our ability to connect with people on TV.”

—–

I don’t pretend to be something I’m not.
Except normal. I’ve pretended to be normal a few times.

Humor #802

Q: What is every blonde’s ambition in life?

A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

—–

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, what is butt dust?”

Church was pretty much over at that point …

—–

An employee went to see his supervisor. “Boss,” he said, “we’re doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife asked me for some help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re shorthanded,” the boss replied. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thank you,” said the employee. “I knew I could count on you!”

—–

A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen. The teacher smiled when Pete, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words: Defeat, Defense, Deduct, and Detail.

Pete stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he the proudly said, “Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.”