Humor #821

So grateful somebody invented window blinds…

Or it would be curtains for all of us!

—–

While trying to explain to our six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new desktop computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”

—–

Working on Capitol Hill, my husband was under constant pressure.

After one late-night session, he came home exhausted and went straight to bed. When I turned out the light, he sat up in a panic. “Is everything okay in the house?” he asked.

“Yes, honey,” I answered. “I locked the doors and turned down the heat.”

“That’s good,” he said, lying back down, his eyelids heavy. “What about the Senate?”

—–

Barney: I have a three-season bed.

Wilma: What is a three-season bed?

Barney: One without a spring.

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Humor #820

Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”

Little Johnny’s father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”

“That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny. “You could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”

—–

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, ”Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”

”Thank goodness,” returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, ”I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.”

—–

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!”

—–

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, “Guess who?”

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, “Guess where?”

Humor #819

HOMILIES TO LIVE BY…

• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
• I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
• According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
• There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Humor #818

“Armstrong,” the boss said, “I happen to know that the reason you didn’t come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf.”

“That’s a rotten lie!” Armstrong protested. “And I have the fish to prove it!”

—–

Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife I’d have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.

Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice. I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.

“You won’t believe this,” she said, “but there’s a guy on the radio with the same problem!”

—–

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise.

It was the pair on the ground.

—–

I work in a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer service representatives reminds shoppers over the public address system to finish their shopping.

One evening, a woman who had recently worked at Kmart opened the announcement by saying, “Attention Kmart shoppers…” Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, “…you are in the wrong store.”

Humor #817

IN A PERFECT WORLD…

• You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.
• Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.
• Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.
• Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.
• People would always see good reasons to be optimistic.
• You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.
• The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
• Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.
• If the guy from the government said to you, “I’m here to help,” not only would he mean it, but also he’d do it.
• First impressions wouldn’t count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.
• All people could expect to be accepted.
• Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, “Go back and slam the door.”
• Highway patrolmen would never be around when you’re running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won’t get off your bumper.
• The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
• Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.
• More would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.

Humor #816

Note: I am now publishing on the 1st, 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th & 25th of each month

I have become more optimistic and now believe that things could get worse.

—–

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper.

“This man,” he announced, “Called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

“Wow,” he said. “Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

—–

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister.

The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.

“It’s no use,” Robbie said. “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”

—–

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The class used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?”

He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She said she can’t feel her legs!”