Humor #827

Senior Citizens — Too Old to Trick or Treat

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You keep knocking on your own front door.

9. You remove your false teeth to change your appearance.

8. You ask for soft, high fiber candy only.

7. Someone drops a candy bar in your bag and you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. The door opens, you yell “Trick or…” but you can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that doesn’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You keep having to go home to use the bathroom.

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Humor #826

The only attitude I trust is skepticism.

—–

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.

He asked a nearby trainer, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”

The trainer looked him up and down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby.

—–

Thoughts On Aging

– The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

– You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.

– You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.

– The cardiologist’s diet… if it tastes good, spit it out.

– You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

– When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

Humor #825

Advertising Terms Explained

NEW – Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.

UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed. We hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE – Heavy as anything!

HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it

Humor #824

Visiting St Patrick’s Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight.

The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they’d each like to light one.

She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.

“Do you have any questions?” she asked.

“No,” said the 5-year-old, “but if there’s a pony outside, it’s mine.”

—–

Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.

One turns to the other and says, “Boy, you’ll never get me up in one of those things.”

—–

Lawyer: “Is it a crime to throw sodium in your enemy’s eyes?”

Judge: “Yes, that’s assault.”

Lawyer: “I know it’s a salt but is it a crime?”

—–

A young man confided to his mother that he had proposed to his girlfriend and they were going to get married.

“Whatsa dis?” screamed his Mother. “Who’s a-gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?”

“Please, Mom, calm down,” pleaded the son. “Why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian!”

Humor #823

Children

• Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
  “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
• You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.  Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.
• Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children.
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like cleaning the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
• Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
• I asked Mom if I was a gifted child …  she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.
• The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
• We child proofed our home three years ago and they’re still getting in!

Humor #822

Albert Einstein was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, “Take it easy. You’ll find it.”

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn’t find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, “I’m sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it.”

“You’re very kind,” the professor said, “but I must find it, otherwise I won’t know where to get off.”

—–

I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento’s major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes.

“I live between Sunrise and Sunset,” I told her.

“Oh, Honey,” she knowingly replied, “we all do.”

—–

The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license.

“This is last year’s license,” the warden informed him.

“I know,” said the hunter, “but I shouldn’t need a new license. I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year.”

—–

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”

As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.

As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!…But don’t shove me either.”