Humor #477

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: “Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

“Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”

 —–

Eileen’s two-year-old great-grandson was excited about having his birthday in a few days. When asked how old he would be, he always said he would be four and held up four fingers.

His mother tried to explain that he would be three, that three came after two, but he wasn’t convinced.

He told her that he had to be four because when he tried to hold up three fingers, the fourth came up too.

—–

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

 —–

On our first anniversary, after a romantic candlelit dinner, my wife, Elizabeth, emerged from the kitchen with the finishing touch: the top of our wedding cake for dessert. At the first cut, the iced layer “squeaked” at us. For an entire year, we had saved a round chunk of frosting-covered Styrofoam in our freezer.

—–

During a visit to the children’s Bible class, my preacher friend looked into their serious faces and asked, “Why do you love God?” After a moment a small voice came from the back: “I guess it just runs in the family.”

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Humor #476

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

Now you know why they call it a workstation!

 —–

 An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”

 “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”

 “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.

 “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

 —–

  A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.”

 Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, “Uh-oh … I know what you’ve been doing.”

  —–

 On an airplane, the flight attendant asked a man, “Would you like dinner?”

The man responded, “What are my choices?”

The flight attendant answered, “Yes, or no.”

 —– 

As a young preacher, my small church had limited facilities, so we held baptisms in a creek.  With alligators in the area, however, that was less than ideal.

Then a minister friend suggested I bring my next group of baptismal candidates to his church for a joint baptismal service.  Naturally, I accepted.

The baptismal pool had a clear front so the congregation could see everything.  When the baptisms were finished, curtains were drawn, and I was left alone in the pool for a moment.  The building had no air conditioning, and it was quite hot.  I thought how nice it would feel to take a little dip.  I glided to one end, turned, and backstroked to the other end.

Hearing a riotous uproar in the church, I looked toward the congregation.

The curtain was down only to the top of the glass!  An astonished and amused congregation had been watching my every move.

Humor #475

Two blonds were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling beach other “professor,” and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months!

“TWO MONTHS?!” cried the bartender. “That’s ridiculous. It shouldn’t take that long!!”

“Oh yeah?” says one blond. “The box said 2-4 YEARS!”

—–

A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.

—–

Q: Do politicians ever lie?

A: What do you think they get paid for? 

—–

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where?”

—–

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PUPILS: A teacher.

—–

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

“No,” the doctor said. “I did not check his pulse.”

“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” asked the lawyer.

“No I did not,” the doctor said.

“So,” said the lawyer, “when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead.”

The doctor said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.”

 

Humor #474

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.

The next day in a written test, she included this question: “My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?”

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”

—–

Aunt Karen is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. “Could you hold on for a moment?” my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone.

Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, “Okay, I’m back.”

“But it’s so quiet!” I exclaimed. “You must have complete control over those two.”

“Not really,” my aunt confessed wearily. “I’m in the closet.”

—–

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: “HIJKLMNO”!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O! 

—–

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. “Was I getting in the tub or out?” she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up to see.” She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, “Was I going up or going down?”

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful”, and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

—–

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”

The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”

“Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.

“I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.

“Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”

“Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”

“That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. “You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the patch.”

Humor #473

I have never liked thunderstorms. A few weeks ago, as I sat at my kitchen table during a particularly noisy storm, I started to pray in an effort to comfort myself. As lightning and thunder split the night sky on all sides, my prayer unwittingly began, “Dear LOUD Jesus …”

—–

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.

She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

—–

 I’ve sure gotten old!

I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

 But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license!

—–

Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner.

Shirley says, “Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?”

Abe says, “Do I care?”

A few minutes later Shirley says, “Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?”

Abe says, “Who cares?”

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, “Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?”

Abe says, “Shirley, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t get moving, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special.”

—–

“Hello, hello?” shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. “Is this the SPCA?”

“Yes.”

“I want you to send somebody over right away.”

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree teasing my dog.”

Humor #472

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.

“Well … they feel a bit tight.” replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

“Try pulling out on the tongue.” offers the clerk.

“Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.” He says.

—–

This police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time so after driving next to her for a while he yells to her, “PULLOVER”. She replies, “No a pair of socks”.

—–

 

“So, what’s the matter?” asked one woman of her friend over coffee.  “I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband.”

“Oh, everything went wrong,” the second woman answered.

“First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

“All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!”

—–

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

“Can you tell me how much you charge?” asked the client.

“Of course,” the lawyer replied. “I charge $200 to answer three questions.”

“Well, that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is,” said the lawyer. “And what’s your third question?”

——-

While leaving our small-town carnival, our sons, ages six and two, were walking hand-in-hand behind my husband and me. We overheard Tyler tell his younger brother, Cory, “This is what heaven is like—except it’s free!”

—–

Humor #471

‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn’t sleep

I tried counting backwards. l tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned – the dark meat and white.

But l fought the temptation with all of my might

Tossing and turning with anticipation

The thought of a snack became infatuation.

So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door

And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,

Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,

‘Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky

With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.

But, I managed to yell as I soared past the Trees_,__

Happy eating to all – pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty, may Your turkey be plump.

May your potatoes ’n’ gravy have nary a lump,

May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the Prize

May your thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

May your thanksgiving be blessed!

Happy Thanksgiving!