Humor #542

A child comes home from his first day at school.

His mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”

The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”

—–

Back in the 1800s, the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for pocket watches, they decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west.

It turned out that although their watches were of the finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression,

“He who has a Tates is lost!”

—–

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim

 I feel so much better saying I went to the jim this morning

——

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

“I want to say that it’s been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you’ve all worked extremely hard, and many of you are off to medical school after the summer. So that none of you gets your GPA messed up because you might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a ‘B’ for the course.”

There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him, and signed out on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, “Anyone else? This is your last chance.” One more student rose up and took the offer.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. “I’m glad to see you believe in yourselves,” he said. “Each of you gets an ‘A.'”

 

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Humor #541

A doctor calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back.

The patient replied: So did my arthritis!

—–

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where you mouth is?” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, “All right. Get in.”

—–

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.

He turned to the other guy and said “that must be a deep hole…let’s throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom.” The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed…they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said “naw, that can’t be my goat…he was chained to a railroad tie.”

—–

Two carrots left the farm for a big time in the Big Apple. They went everywhere: shows, museums, libraries, the Statue of Liberty, the subways, and galleries. For a real blast off their last night in town, they went from bar to bar, carousing until the wee hours.

When they stumbled out to the curb to hail a cab, one of the drunken carrots fell in the path of a speeding car. The other carrot called for an ambulance and followed his friend to the hospital.

After several hours of waiting and pacing, the carrot was approached by a surgeon. The doctor told the carrot he bore both good and bad news and asked which he wished to hear first. The carrot told the doctor to start with the good news.

The doctor complied, stating, “Your friend will live … but he’ll always be a vegetable.”

Humor #540

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

“Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”    

 —–

 The Lone Ranger and Tonto hitch their horses outside a saloon and go inside for a beer. Soon after, a man walks in and asks, “Who owns the silver horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I do. What’s the problem?”

The man says, “You better go look at him. I think he’s hot.”

The Lone Ranger goes outside to check on his horse, and sure enough, the horse is overheated and distressed.

“Quick, Tonto, run circles around Silver. You will create a draft and cool him down.”

Tonto starts running around the horse to cool him down, and the Lone Ranger goes back into the saloon to enjoy his beer. Soon after, another man walks in and asks, “Who owns the silver horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger again replies, “I do. What’s the problem now?”

“You’ve left the Injun running.”

—–

 There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, “What do you do for a living?”

He said, “I’m a former window washer.”

I asked, “When did you give it up?”

He replied, “Halfway down.”

—–

 After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

“Oh,” I said, “So now you’re speaking to me.”

He looked confused, “What are you talking about?”

“Haven’t you noticed I haven’t spoken to you for three days?” I challenged.

“No,” he said, “I just thought we were getting along.”

Humor #539

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight,” the boy replied. The man continued, “do you know what these are used for?” The boy replied, “not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.

 —–

The girl came running in tears to her father.  “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried.

“I did?  What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about?  That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said.  “Surely there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

—–

“Did you see how pleased Mrs. Smith looked when I told her she didn’t look a day older than her daughter?”

“I didn’t notice Mrs. Smith….I was too busy watching the expression on her daughter’s face!”

—–

 Class Action Lawsuit

New York law firm Zwerling Scacheter & Zwerling must have been drooling when they won a class action lawsuit against Renaissance Cruises Inc. of Fort Lauderdale, Florida on the claim that Renaissance charged too much for port fees and thus won a $2.9 million judgment against them. The way the award split was to happen was that the law firm would get $1.4 million in legal fees, paid in U.S. cold hard currency, while the remaining $1.5 million would be divided among the 80,000 or so plaintiffs as $10 or $60 travel vouchers good only on very expensive future cruise bookings with Renaissance.

Enter Broward County Florida Circuit Judge Robert Lance Andrews who was livid as he attacked the plaintiffs’ attorneys for greediness in launching what he called a “ridiculous class action” and for belittling the public service they claimed to have provided. He was incensed because the travel vouchers are essentially worthless but they made sure to get cash for themselves.

So what did Judge Andrews do?

He slashed the legal fees from $1.4 million to $294,000. But wait! There’s more!

He felt that since the attorneys thought travel vouchers were adequate compensation for the 80,000 plaintiffs, he ruled that a quarter of the $294,000 was to be paid to the attorneys in the very same $10 and $60 travel vouchers they had won for the plaintiffs.

Reported at overlawyered.com around 15 March 2001.

Humor #538

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.

“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

 —–

Employer to applicant: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”

Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

—–

 Harold Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near 

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

So, he says to them:

“Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”

“Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall .”

“Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the  Thames .”

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Harold slips away, she says ,

“Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

Sarah replies, “Property? … All He had was a paper route!”

 —–

I went to the cardiologist today for an echo-cardiogram. The doctor prepared the machine and began the process of taking a sonogram of my heart.

“Huh,” he said. “That’s weird.”

I stared at him with an expression of curiosity and growing concern. “What?”

“You said you’re a law student, right?” the doctor asked.

“Yes,” I replied, confused.

The doctor exclaimed, “Well, there’s actually a heart in here! Want me to take a picture for you so you can prove it to people once you’re an attorney?”

Humor #537

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”

 —–

 A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”

—–

 Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local café. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their peppershaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the peppershaker contains salt and the saltshaker …”

“Oh,” the waitress interrupted. “Sorry about that.” She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

—–

 My little girl loves animals, but one day she was bitten by a small field mouse she’d found. She carried it home in her pocket and told me what happened. Worried about rabies, I called our town Humane Society and was told that the animal would have to be examined, and they’d send someone for it.

When the Humane Society truck pulled up, a big man got out, put on a pair of gauntlets, and took a capture stick and cage from the back of the truck. Trying not to laugh, I handed him a shoe box containing the mouse.

“Lady,” he said, seeing my expression, “they only told me it was a wild animal.”

Humor #536

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said.  “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.  He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.  His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.  Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked,

“To draw out all his savings?”

—–

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

 The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “

 The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.

 “How?” asks the man, puzzled.

 “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.”

 —–

 A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

 The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

 St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

 —–

 One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City police precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she’s gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did ya hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Then why in the world did ya think she’s gonna kill ya?” asked the exasperated police officer.

“Because I found a bottle on dresser and I think she’s gonna poison me!”

He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, “What’s so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle says ‘Polish Remover’?”