Humor #632

Husband’s note on refrigerator to his wife:

“Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. I didn’t know you liked beer.”

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A very self-centered actor was hauled into a court as a witness. When asked to state his occupation he announced quit confidently, “I am the world’s greatest actor.”

“Why did you tell them that?” a friend inquired afterward.

“Had to,” was the answer. “I was under oath.”

—–

Money can buy a house, but not a home.

Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.

Money can buy a clock, but not time.

Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.

Money can buy food, but not an appetite.

Money can buy position, but not respect.

Money can buy blood, but not life.

Money can buy insurance, but not safety.

You see, money is not everything!

Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me.

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Humor #631

If Facebook has taught us anything, it’s that a lot of you are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.

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This sailor fell off the crows nest on a sailing ship and fell trough the first deck and the second deck of the ship.

The captain went up to the sailor and asked if he was all right.

“I am all right,” said the sailor. “I have been through hardships before.”

—–

For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, my friend couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents.”

“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”

—–

A city slicker goes to visit his cousin who owns an apple orchard. The cousin takes him out to show him the bountiful crop on the trees.

The city slicker sees all the apples and asks, “How many apples grow on trees?”

His cousin smiles and says, “All of them.”

—–

A Spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says: “Uno, dos….”*POOF!!*

He disappeared without a tres.

Humor #630

My boss didn’t come in to work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem.

When I asked what was wrong, he replied, “I just can’t see myself at work today.”

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What exactly is junk?

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

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My friend David lost his ID. Now we just call him Dave.

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A guy calls AAA: “I’m stranded on the side of the road.”

AAA: “At least you have a shoulder to cry on.”

—–

My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.

“Well Mary,” said the man,

“Near as I can figure, based on the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we’ve got a hog back on the farm worth at least $137,000.”

Humor #629

Harry Truman, when he was U.S President, once addressed the Washington Garden Club and kept referring to ‘good manure’ that must be used on flowers.

Some society ladies complained (later) to the First Lady Margaret Truman, “Bess, can’t you get the President to say fertilizers?”

The First Lady replied, “Heavens, it took me 25 years to get him to say ‘manure'”.

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I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.

—-

A grandson went up to his grandpa and said, “Grandpa, can you talk like a frog?”

“No, why?”

“Just wondering.”

A few minutes later the granddaughter came up and said, “Grandpa, can you talk like a frog?”

“No. Why do you kids keep asking me if I can talk like a frog?”

“Because Dad said, ‘When grandpa croaks, we can go to Disneyland.”’

—–

Electricians are always watching the news…

They like to keep up with current events.

—–

My Doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress…

To comply, I did not open his bill.

Humor #628

The future isn’t what it used to be.

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A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.

An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. “How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against me?”

—–

Feeling alone? Feeling unwanted, like no one gives a hoot?

Do what I did… don’t file your tax returns.

—–

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here’s a listing of some of the lesser known relatives:

  • The really obnoxious brother — Please Gogh
  • The brother who ate prunes — Gotta Gogh
  • His dizzy aunt — Verti Gogh
  • An aunt who taught positive thinking — Wayto Gogh
  • And his magician uncle — Wherediddy Gogh

Humor #627

The future isn’t what it used to be.

—–

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.

An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. “How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against me?”

—–

Feeling alone? Feeling unwanted, like no one gives a hoot?

Do what I did… don’t file your tax returns.

—–

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here’s a listing of some of the lesser known relatives:

  • The really obnoxious brother — Please Gogh
  • The brother who ate prunes — Gotta Gogh
  • His dizzy aunt — Verti Gogh
  • An aunt who taught positive thinking — Wayto Gogh
  • And his magician uncle — Wherediddy Gogh

Humor #626

TOURIST QUESTIONS #3

Here are some of the “All-Time Dumbest Questions” asked by Banff Park tourists.

On tourist facilities…

  • Do they search you at the B.C. border?
  • When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
  • Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don’t they?
  • Are there phones in Banff?
  • So it’s eight kilometers away… is that in miles? We’re on the decibel system you know.
  • Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
  • Is that 2 kilometers by foot or by car?
  • Don’t you Canadians know anything?