Humor #605

I used to just crastinate, but I got so good, I went pro!

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Forgive me, Father, Pastor, Vicar, Padre, Priest … for I have synonymed.

—–

The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the table.

“Today,” he shouted to the church officer, “I have preached to a congregation of jackasses!”

The Church officer nodded, “So that was why you kept calling them ‘beloved brethren.'”

—–

I had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29. She said “that’ll be $4.83, please drive forward.”

“$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That’s 54 cents tax! That can’t be right,” my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max. I’d heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago.

I didn’t have my calculator watch (I lost it a while back) so I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me.

Let’s see … 483/429 … over 12 percent tax! When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said “what’s the sales tax in Huntsville?” She didn’t know. I said “$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can’t be right. Can I talk to the manager?” She gave me my change and called the manager.

So the manager comes over. I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent. I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that’s over 12 percent sales tax.

She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size. (biggie upgrade was 35 cents – which would be 4.64 plus tax which would put it over $5). She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.

“HA!” I thought to myself. “Six years engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me.”

I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius, and smugly drove off without my food.

 

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Humor #604

Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days.

As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

“No thanks,” said Doug. “I’ll just have a cup of black coffee.”

“I’ll have black coffee too,” Bill said. “And please make sure the cup is clean.”

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen.

Two minutes later, she was back. “Two cups of black coffee,” she announced.

“Which one of you wanted the clean cup?”

—–

“I never called you stupid; but when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi, and you asked if I was talking about the river or the state, it just kind of caught me off guard.”

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“I’m surprised that the hip-hop culture hasn’t caught on with rabbits.”

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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

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A young man, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave. The young man walked up to the Chinese man and asked, “When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?”

The old Chinese man replied with a smile, “Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers.”

Humor #603

I’m not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.

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“You call this a musical?” asked Les miserably.

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I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 pm or so.

—–

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!! Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

—–

Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming; I’ve just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.

—–

I gave all my dead batteries away today … free of charge.

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The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological; one is Psycho and the other is Logical – and whatever you do, don’t try to figure out Who is Who.

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I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I’ll be notified immediately

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To the guy who invented “zero” … Thanks for nothing.

Humor #602

Nurse: Good morning Mr. Frobisher, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.

Mr. Frobisher: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.

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When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom” and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll take care of it.”

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was “Mom.”

“Martin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”

—–

I am really bad at measuring pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti, come on over!

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“I hate being half bicycle – half motorcycle,” he moped.

—–

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people; we haven’t met yet.

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I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia!

Humor #601

Old people look at things differently

  1. My goal for 2019 was to lose just 10 pounds . . . I now have only 15 to go.
  2. I had a salad for dinner . . it was mostly croutons & tomatoes . .  really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce . . and cheese . . okay, fine, it was a pizza . . I had a pizza for dinner.
  3. How to prepare Tofu in two steps:  1)  Throw it in the trash; 2)  Grill some Meat.
  4. I did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
  5. I don’t mean to brag but . . . I finished my 14-day diet meals in 3 hours and 20 minutes .
  6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
  7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
  8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
  9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school?  Me neither.
  10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented . . . . I forgot where I was going with this.
  11. Even though I’m over 70, I learn something new every day . . .however, I forget 5 other things.
  12. A thief broke into my house last night and was searching for money . . .  when I woke up, we searched together.

Humor #600

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, “Sorry, kid, but baggers can’t be juicers.”

—–

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”

“4136,” I replied, since we were allowed only to give our operator numbers.

Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?”

—–

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh sir?”

—–

The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news. I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning.

Of course, I was excited, but that didn’t stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.

“Why?” asked the chairman.

“Because,” I said, “our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don’t want be known as VP of CRAP.”

Humor #599

Brenda had been stressing the importance of independence to her granddaughter, Shila, 7, while they were waiting for the 4th of July fireworks to begin.

She felt she had made her point until Shila thoughtfully said, “You know Nana, you can live without your independence. Amber’s doctor took out her independence and she’s still living.”

I don’t run, and if you ever see me running, you should run too because something is probably chasing me.

—–

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

—–

A blonde bought herself a new Mercedes. She can drive the car during the day but at night the car won’t move at all.

She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.

Furious, she calls the dealership, tells them the problem and they send a mechanic to the house.

The mechanic gives the car a thorough inspection and can’t find anything wrong. Eventually, he asks the Blonde, ” Are you sure you’re using the right gears?”

“Of course I am. I’m not stupid. I use “D” during the day and “N” at night!”

—–

A recent Aberta Govt. study, has found over 200 dead crows near Calgary, Alberta and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone’s relief.

However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The Provincial Government hired an Ornithological Behaviorist from Toronto to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that: The lookout crow could say “Cah,” but could not say, “Truck.”