Humor #708

Covid-19 Thoughts – #2
Not original but I thought I would pass them on.

Never in my whole life would I imagine my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth!

Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country.

Ladies… time to start dating the older dudes. They can get you into the grocery store early.

I can’t believe I can walk into a store to buy weed, but I have to meet my hairdresser in a dark alley with unmarked bills to get a haircut.

Have you noticed that since beauty salons are closed, selfies are down 68%?

Sitting at the bar in the kitchen at night, I tried a pickup line on my wife. She gave me a fake phone number. What’s up with that?

It’s been a blessing being home with the wife for six weeks now. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong for the past 20 years.

Not to brag, but I haven’t been late for anything for the past 21 days!

Breaking news: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent coronavirus, but to stop eating.” –

Humor #707

Covid-19 Thoughts – #1
Not original but I thought I would pass them on.

They say you can’t fix stupid. Turns out you can’t quarantine it either.

I don’t like the fact that my chances of survival seem to be linked to the common sense of others.

People keep asking, ‘Is coronavirus really that serious?’ Listen up! Casinos and churches are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it’s probably pretty serious.

Now that teachers finally have a chance to use the restroom, there’s no toilet paper.

Shout out to all the parents who never taught their kids respect, and now they’re stuck at home with the little darlings.

Have to say that the Class of 2020 outdid themselves with Senior Skip Day this year.

Cops now say… ‘Come out with your hands washed!’

Police confront nudist sunbathers over not wearing face masks amid coronavirus outbreak.

And just like that… having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, plastic sheeting, and rope in your trunk is OK.

Humor #706

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

—–

A man walked into a record store and asked the assistant, “Have you got anything by The Doors?”

“Yes,” she said, “a bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

—–

When it comes to telling her age, she’s shy…

About 10 years shy!!!

—–

The bank robber enters the bank with his gun drawn in plain site.

He walks to the middle of the lobby, pauses for a few seconds, turns around a couple of times, and then approaches a teller.

Then scratching his temple with the gun barrel, he says to the teller, “Do you ever enter a room and forget why?”

Humor #705

I made a graph of all my past relationships…

It has an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.

—–

Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.

—–

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. She then carefully applied cold cream all over her face except her eyes, which she outlined with a different cream. She then proceeded to put her hair in high rollers.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was that?”

—–

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting.

He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one of the fellows and left it on his desk:

“I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.”

At 7:00 pm, the man stopped at his desk and found this note:

“Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, Goober!”

Humor #704

Scientists studying the effects of marijuana on seabirds have left no tern unstoned.

—–

During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, “I’ve got papers and magazines strewn all over the place — I don’t need any more.”

Philip’s reply? “Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?”

—–

One morning at our small-town newspaper office, one of the editors was struggling to write a headline for the obituary of a woman who was noted for little besides a fondness for crossword puzzles.

“What am I supposed to write?” the editor whined. “She liked puzzles?”

Just then one of our copy editors piped up, “How about, ‘Crossword fan is now six down.'”

—–

A woman wakes up to find her husband cooking stir-fry in the middle of the night.

“Wake up, Frank! You’re sleep-wokking again!”

—–

Death and taxes are inevitable…

But at least death doesn’t get worse every year!

Humor #703

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk. “Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation was a success.”

—–

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. “The first seven years are the hardest,” she said.

“How long have you been married?” I asked.

“Seven years,” she replied.

—–

The conductor turned to the viola student and said, “You should have taken up the viola earlier.”

“Why?” asked the student. “Do you think the practice would have made me really good?”

“No,” said the conductor. “But you might have given up by now.”

—–

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”

“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”

Humor #702

I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that…

After all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.

—–

A lady was taking her first golf lesson. She asked the instructor, “Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?”

“P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “P-u-t means to place something where you want it. P-u-t-t means, merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”

—–

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked.

“Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”

“Yes — so what?”

“Think about it,” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle — how does it know?”

—–

Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song “Yes, we have no bananas”.

Guy 1: I love this song!

Guy 2: Yes. I think it’s written by Mozart.

Guy 1: Of course it’s not. They didn’t make swing music in Mozart’s time.

Guy 2: Yes they did!

Guy 1: You’re stupid! They didn’t even have bananas back then.

Guy 2: I know, that’s the name of the song!

Humor #701

Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again!

—–

My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested “prior experience,” he wrote “lifeguard.” That was it. Nothing else.

“We’re looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself as well,” said the hiring manager. “How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?”

My friend replied, “I couldn’t swim.”

He got the job.

—–

Some men were swapping stories about their war experiences. One fellow who had been in the Foreign Legion was saying, “There we were, it was night, the odds were 1,000 to 3. We didn’t know what to do.”

“Well, what did you do?” another asked.

“When morning came, we charged and got all three of them!”

—–

Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that’s how far behind I am.

 

Humor #700

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. “I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!”

The crowd went wild, shouting “Hoya!  Hoya!” The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. “I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!”

“Hoya!  Hoya!” cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

“I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!” The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting “Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!”

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

“Sure,” the Chief said, “but be careful not to step in the hoya.”

Humor #699

The Real Meaning of Hotel slogans

Old world charm …………………………… No bath

Options galore …………………………….. Nothing is included in the itinerary

No extra fees ………………………………. No extras

Nominal fee ………………………………… Outrageous charge

Standard ……………………………………. Sub-standard

Deluxe ………………………………………. Standard

Superior …………………………………….. One free shower cap

Cozy …………………………………………. Small

All the amenities ………………………….. Two free shower caps

Plush ………………………………………… Top and bottom sheets