Humor #568

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

“Did you read the paper?” he asked.

“I’m not going in to work tomorrow.  I’m calling in fat.”

—–

 The amount of people who confuse “to” and “too” is amazing two me.

 —–

 This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. ”Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?”

”Dogs can’t talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I’ll give you a drink. If not, you’re going to get a beating.”

”Okay,” says the guy. He turns to his dog. ”Okay, fella. Tell me — what is on top of a house?”

”Roof!” The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

”THAT ain’t talking! Any dog can bark!”

”Okay, boy. Tell me — how does sandpaper feel?”

”Ruff!”

”What the heck you tryin’ to pull, mister?”

”Okay, okay,” says the man. “One more question, please. Okay, buddy, tell me — who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?”

“Ruth.”

The bartender beats the heck out of the guy and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

“Wow. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

 —–

The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.

“How come you didn’t turn in?” hae yelled.

“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.”AB

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Humor #567

 When the man came home, his wife was crying. “Your mother insulted me,” she sobbed.

“My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?” the man asked.

“I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.”

“And?”

“At the end of the letter she had written:

P.S. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son.”

—–

 Men Vs. Women Joke

MAN:

 1) Pull up to machine

 2) Wind window down

 3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN

 4) Retrieve cash

 5) Drive away

 WOMAN:

 1) Pull up to machine

 2) Open door (too far away from machine)

 3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card

 4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair

 5) Insert Card

 6) Remove card

 7) Insert card the correct way up

 8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it

 9) Enter PIN

 10) Enter correct PIN

 11) Retrieve cash, put in bag

 12) Drive off

 13) Reverse back to machine

 14) Retrieve card

 15) Drive three miles away

 16) Release hand-brake

—–

A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, son?”

The young man says, “An eight iron, Father. How about you?”

The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his seven iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you, Father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.”

Humor #566

Turkey Day Humor

“The difference between chickens and turkeys is that chicken’s celebrate Thanksgiving!!”

———–

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

————

Thanksgiving day was approaching, and the family received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”

“Oh yeah?” her young grandson replied. “So why is their dad carrying that rifle?”

———–

What does a turkey say?

->”Gobble, gobble, gobble,” right?

Not always!

A jewelry-lovin’ turkey?

-> “Bauble bauble bauble”

A dyslexic turkey say?

-> “Boggle boggle boggle”

A turkey in the shoe repair shop say?

-> “Cobble cobble cobble”

A turkey with a sore leg say?

-> “Hobble hobble hobble.”

A football turkey say?

-> “Huddle, huddle, huddle”

A dieting turkey:

-> “Nibble, nibble nibble.”

A turkey who argues a lot:

-> “Squabble squabble squabble.”

What does Dr. Seuss’ turkey say?

-> “Tweedle beetle paddle battle puddle wobble hobble gobble.”

Then there was the dizzy Turkey who just went:

-> “Wobble wobble wobble!”

Humor #565

Joe: “This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.”

Sam: “I bet you were mad.”

Joe: “Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!”

—–

For months he had been her devoted admirer.  Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:

“There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” he began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being — a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes.  Then she nodded in agreement.

Finally, she responded, “I think its a great idea!  Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?”

 —–

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, “Honey, are you ready yet?”

Shouting back, the woman replies, “For crying out loud, Dewey, I’ve been telling you for the last half hour… I’ll be ready in a minute!”

—–

 A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. “I’d like a little brother,” the boy said.

“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said the mother. “Why do you want a little brother?”

“Well,” said the boy, “there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”

Humor #564

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.

 —–

 A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.

“$50.00 for three questions,” replied the lawyer.

“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what is your third question?”

—–

 The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.

“The only consolation I can find in these awful grades,” lamented the father, “is that I know he never cheated during his exams.”

—–

  1. What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs?
  2. Anything you want, he can’t hear you!

 —–

 One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Alex.’

‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, what is this?’

The pastor said, ‘Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.’

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ‘Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?’

Humor #563

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon: I’ll let you know…

 —–

 An 6-year-old was the flower girl for her uncle’s wedding. Mom realized she must have paid close attention to the ceremony when she asked a few days later, “Mom, what did the pastor mean when he said, ‘I unite you in holy macaroni’?”

—–

A young man away from home and at college was feeling low. He had no money at the present time, so he decided at ask dad for some help. He sent a simple three line six word letter to dad. It said,

“No mon.

No fun.

Your son.”

A week later he had a response from dad another three line six word letter. It said,

“Too bad.

So sad.

Your dad.”

—–

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.

The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Thanks,

Billy

 —–

 A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.

After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, “At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.”

“Can’t”, replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.” 

Humor #562

A lady was having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas and she was down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaimed, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A man standing next to her suggested, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?” and walked away.

Moments later, his attention was grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. “Maybe she won!” he thought.  Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd he found the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man was stunned.  He asked, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replied, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29 and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

 —–

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,” and so I asked why it was so long.

“Because,” my son explained, “they say it has to have at least four characters.”

—–

 I hate it when I think that I’m buying “Organic” vegetables, but when I get home they’re just regular donuts.

 

—–

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.

“I’m so tough”, said the first boy, “that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week”.

“Well”, said the second little boy, “I’m so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day”.

“That’s nothing”, said the third boy. “When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour.”

—–

 As in many homes on New Year’s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important – the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

“See?” she said, continuing to smile, “You didn’t miss a thing.”