Humor #557

The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children’s Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.

Now, a decade or so later, the elderly lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.

Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.

Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child’s questions in terms she could understand, but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry:

“Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James virgin?”

—–

Two snails went to an auto race. There were twenty six cars, so instead of numbers the cars were identified by letters from A to Z.

As the race started, the S car quickly sped away from the trailing pack of cars. Seeing this, the one snail said to the other, “Hey, look at that S car go!”

—–

An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, “I have no room for your bike in my car, but I’d like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun.”

After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, “I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I’ll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I’ll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I’ll slow down.”

The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning “you want a drag?” Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy.

They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn’t catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the rode to intercept. “Car number 2, this is car number 1.” “Go head number 1, what’cha got for me?” I got a red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?”

“Ten-four, Is there anything else?”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass.”

—–

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

 

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Humor #556

 At a bus stop, a dad handed out bus fare to each member of our family except our four-year-old daughter, Nina. Feeling left out, she asked, “What about me?!”

 Mom explained, “Nina, you’re free.”

 She then protested, saying, “No, Mommy! I’m four!”

 —–

 On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. “Where did my CORNBREAD go?” he shouted.

—–

 A doctor worked on the tenth floor of an office building. In the building was a pub, where the doctor had a lemon daiquiri, every day at quitting time. The bartender’s name was Dick.

 One day Dick found out he didn’t have any lemons and no time to get any. So he thought he would make up a hickory daiquiri instead and at the end of the day, the doctor would be too tired to notice.

The doctor sat down, took a sip and said “This isn’t a lemon daiquiri, Dick!”…To which Dick replied, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”

—–

 After watching the girls do line dancing, Michael thought, hey I can do this. So he got in line and asked one of the girls, what’s the name of this dance?

 “She said I don’t know; this is the line for the bathroom”

—–

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.

The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, “Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I’m fine.”

Humor #555

Waiter, I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.

I’m sorry, sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?

—–

 The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ”And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

 ”Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. ”I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

 ”All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, ”But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

 ”But, Father,” protested the young priest, ”my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

 ”Yes,” replied the elderly priest, ”and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!”

 —–

 A lady was expecting her first baby, a six-year-old neighborhood girl was particularly curious. She wanted to see the baby furniture and hear our list of possible names.

When she asked where the baby was, the mom-to be was a walking show-and-tell even at four months. But then she asked the question that probably had been foremost in her mind: “How did the baby get in there?”

“I think you’d better ask your mother about that,” she said.

“Oh, I tried that,” she confessed. “Nobody in my family knows!”

—–

 We were enjoying a series of youth crusades at our church. It had been an exciting time as our youngest child and then our middle child made a public declaration to follow Jesus.

During the final night of the crusade our oldest son very slowly made his way to the altar.

Following the service Dad commented on his decision. Our son replied, “Yes, it was very hard to make it down front.”

It seems our son took the speaker’s instructions of “every head bowed and every eye closed” literally—making his way to the altar without looking.

Humor #554

 A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.

“What’s the matter, son?” asked his mother.

“Aw, gee,” said the boy. “It’s my grades. They’re all wet.”

“What do you mean ‘all wet’?”

“You know,” he replied, “below C-level.”

—–

 Jonathan asked Jesus to come into his heart when he was four. A few months later as mom was getting him ready for bed, he asked in all seriousness, “Mom, what did I used to do when I was wicked?”

—–

 At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. “No, no,” I said. “Those jeans look terrible on you. I’ll go get you another pair.”

As I walked away, I heard him mumble, “I was trying on the shirt.”

—–

 A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, but the waiter’s thumb is resting on the meat.

“Are you crazy?” yells the customer. “You bring my food with your hand on my steak?”

“What?” answers the waiter. “You want it to fall on the floor again?”

Humor #553

A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT.

 Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said: I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters.

—–

 A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said.

 “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.”

 —–

The old man had died.  A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children,

“Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa in there.”

—–

During a difficult psychology lecture, a pre-med student interrupted: “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”

“To save lives,” Professor Mike Wilson responded firmly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again: “So, how exactly does psychology save lives?”

Dr. Wilson replied, “It keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

Humor #552

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read– small bear droppings are small with nut and berries in it.

 Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.

 —–

 A young man bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend.

 “Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked the clerk.

 The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”

—–

 “Now, that looks like a happily married couple.” Remarks the husband.

“Don’t be too sure, my Dear. They are probable saying the same thing about us.” Replied his wife.

—–

 A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don’t eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. “Why do you buy them then?” he asks puzzled.

 Whereupon the old lady answers, “We just love the chocolate around them.”

Humor #551

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.  They came up with about 40 names.  He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”

 —–

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.

The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, “Who did that? Who did that?”

—–

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently.  Everybody laughed loudly.  Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike?  No sense of humor?”

“My sense of humor is fine,” he said.  “But I don’t have to laugh.  I’m quitting tomorrow.”

—–

His father sends a small boy to bed. Five minutes later….

“Da-ad….”

“What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?” “No. You had your

chance. Lights out.”

Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..”

“WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”

“I told you NO!” If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”

Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..”

“WHAT!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”