Humor #581

 While serving as a church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit.

Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, “Non-smoking, please.”

 —–

 Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.

“You must take the loyalty oath first,” the passport clerk said. “Raise your right hand, please.” The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?”

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, “Well, I guess so, but … will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?”

—–

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, “Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful – so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing.”

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, “Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!”

—–

 A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him.  Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried:

“Daddy, where’s Mommy?”

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Humor #580

The Sunday morning service had ended, and the pastor was greeting parishioners as they were leaving. Everyone was friendly as they greeted him, but no one said anything about the sermon.

The pastor was getting a little concerned about that until someone said, “Oh, pastor, your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God.”

A little puzzled, the pastor asked him to explain what he meant.

The parishioner explained. “Well, pastor, that sermon reminded me of the peace of God because it passed all understanding. And it reminded me of the love of God because it endured forever.”

—–

 A woman is more aggressive at work than she realizes. After she had her annual performance review, she was asked, “How did it go?”

“They had written that I was overbearing,” she replied with a shrug. “I made them take it off.”

—–

 After a rigorous drilling program, a group of ROTC cadets was about to board the trucks back to the barracks. Just for fun, the cadets fell into formation with their caps on backward.

the lieutenant in charge was indignant at this breach of military decorum and dressed down the cadet leader, “Cadet! I want to see those caps facing front *Immediately!*”

The young cadet captain was unshaken. He called his group to attention, then commanded crisply, “About face!”

—–

 In On This Day by Carl D. Windsor, the page for Valentine’s Day includes this anecdote: “Even the most devoted couple will experience a ‘stormy’ bout once in a while. A grandmother, celebrating her golden wedding anniversary, once told the secret of her long and happy marriage. ‘On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of my husband’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook,’ she said.

“A guest asked the woman what some of the faults she had chosen to overlook were. The grandmother replied, ‘To tell you the truth, my dear, I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, Lucky for him that’s one of the ten!’ “

Humor #579

I took my young son to the doctor for a routine physical. All the way I had to reassure him that he would not be getting a shot. He went through his eye exam, hearing test, etc. The nurse came into the exam room and started to ask me routine questions.

When she got to “Is he allergic to anything” my four year old son stood up and said “YES, I’m allergic to shots!”

—–

 Finding a volunteer to be church treasurer is always a challenge. But after reading the church’s Annual Report, I was not surprised to hear several members express interest in the position. The outgoing treasurer had concluded her report with: “It has truly been my pleasure to work with the church finances. I have received far more than I ever gave.”

—–

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said.  “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.  He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.  His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.  Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked,

“To draw out all his savings?”

—–

Joe’s wife liked to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter, Joe? Don’t you like my singing?”

Joe replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”

 

Humor #578

Lesser-Known Knights of the Round Table

1. The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render

2. The unbelievable knight: Sir Real

3. The knights who were so fat they sat around a table by themselves: Sir Round and Sir Cumference

4. The undercover knight: Sir Veillance

5. The knight who came to an untimely end: Sir Cease

6. The knight who never got killed in battle: Sir Vivor

7. The knight who always guessed right: Sir Miser

8. The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Past

9. The knight who showed up unexpectedly: Sir Prise

10. The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount

11. The knight who funded the castle’s operations: Sir Tax

12. The knight who kept the kingdom’s maps up to date: Sir Veyor

13. The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis

14. The knight always called on as the first substitute: Sir Rogate

15. The most outstanding of all the knights: Sir Perb

16. The hardest knight of them all: Sir Amic

17. The knight who was most at home in a 3-ring castle: Sir Cus

18. The saddest knight of them all: Sir Rowful

19. The extra knights: Sir Perfluous and Sir Pernumerary

20. The dancing knight: Sir Prance Alot

Humor #577

I sent that “Ancestry” site some information on my family tree and they sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

—–

I overheard two children discussing their selection in the video area of a store.

One boy took Disney’s CINDERELLA off the shelf, pointed to the drawing of the title character on the cover, and said, “Oh, she’s really good. I saw her in ALICE IN WONDERLAND.”

—–

In the word “scent” is it the s that is silent or the c?

—–

A woman needed encouragement to keep pedaling the exercise bike in her gym. So my friend, the gym manager, said, “Close your eyes and imagine you’re riding along Broadway in New York City. It will be more interesting.”

Inspired, the woman cycled on, but after a minute she stopped.

“What’s wrong?” asked my friend.

“The traffic light’s red,” she replied.

—–

We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town.

Early the next morning, a Saturday, our 3 1/2-year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up.

I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.

About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

“Mommy, Mommy,” he exclaimed, “everybody has doorbells – and they all work.”

—–

Dewey is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Steve walks in, sits down, and asks him what the problem is.

“Well,” said Dewey, “I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I’m in deep trouble at home.”

“What kind of question?” asked Steve.

“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat, and wrinkly.”

“That’s easy,” said Steve. “You just say, ‘Of course I will.'”

“Yeah,” said Dewey, “that’s what I meant to say, except I said, ‘Of course I DO…'”

—–

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: “I am perfectly well.”

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel…collect…on which he had to pay considerable charges.  Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

“This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”

Humor # 576

(As we think of our New Year’s resolutions to exercise…)

TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY EXERCISES

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn’t want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing my pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing my weight around

07) Dragging my heels

08) Pushing my luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting my own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting my foot in my mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I’ll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

Humor # 575

 

 

 

New Year’s Resolutions #2

Difficult-to-Keep New Year’s Resolutions

 

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!”

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.

I will try to figure out why I “really” need five Facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them.

I will think of a password other than “password.”