Humor #664

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, “Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do whatever I want?”

The father answered immediately, “I don’t know. Nobody has lived that long yet.”

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Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!”

His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”

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TEACHER: Jean, what does trickle mean?

JEAN: To run slowly.

TEACHER: good. Annie, what does anecdote mean?

ANNIE: It’s a short, funny tale.

TEACHER: Well done. Now, Rita, give me a sentence with both of these words in it.

RITA: Our dog trickled down the street wagging her anecdote.

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Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice.

But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, “I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough.”

“Well,” she asked, “how long did you cook it?”

“You’re supposed to cook it?” he said.

Humor #663

A fellow was given a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He cleaned it up and POOF!–out popped a genie!

The genie said, “I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like.”

The guy thought for a minute and said, “I would like a billion dollars.”

“You shall have it,” said the genie and he granted him the wish. “Anything else?”

The guy thought for a while and said, “I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks, power windows, an incredible radio, you know – and all the works!”

“Your wish is my command” said the genie, making the dream car appear. “What is your last wish?”

“Hmmm. I think I’ll save it for a rainy day” answered the birthday boy.

“OK, suit yourself,” replied the genie. “I’ll wait and listen, ready to answer.”

The happy guy got in his new car and drove off to show all his friends. As he turned on the radio, a familiar commercial came on and he began to sing along, “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”

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Someone keeps dumping soil all over my garden bed, and I don’t know who’s doing it???

The plot thickens…

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My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.

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What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi.

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Census Taker: “How many children do you have?”

Woman: “Four.”

Census Taker: “May I have their names, please?”

Woman: “Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George.”

Census Taker: “Okay, that’s fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?”

Woman: “Because we didn’t want any Moe!”

Humor #662

Silly Jokes 2

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.

My clock just went back 4 seconds… I guess it was still hungry.

I knew a guy named Roger… He was huge, about 10-4.

Humor #662

Silly Jokes 1

What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!

Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1

Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

Humor #661

(As we think of our New Year’s resolutions to exercise…)

TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY EXERCISES

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn’t want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing my pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing my weight around

07) Dragging my heels

08) Pushing my luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting my own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting my foot in my mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I’ll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

Humor #660

New Years Resolutions

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

I have only one resolution: to rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

I’ll remember 2019 like it was yesterday.

Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2020, please?

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2019 and a beautiful beginning into 2020.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself — this year I’m making a resolution to be myself!

I’m planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2020.

My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s Resolutions — that way I succeed at something!

New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.

I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2020 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

Tonight the mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

Humor #659

Dieting – New Year Resolutions

2016: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2017: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2018: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2019: I will work out 3 days a week.

2020: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

—–

I went to my Doctor and he suggested I do some exercises. Here is my new regiment…

  1. Jump to conclusions
  2. Climb the walls
  3. Drag my heels
  4. Push my luck
  5. Make mountains out of molehills
  6. Bend over backwards
  7. Run in circles
  8. Put my foot in my mouth

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The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny’s had an odd element in it.

“Johnny, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?

“It’s the flea, teacher.”

“What flea?” asked the teacher.

To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse: “Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt. There’s Mary; there’s Jesus; and there’s the flea.”

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I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.

He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.

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