Humor #464

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, “We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”

“Thank God,” returned the taxpayer. “I thought you were going to want cash.”

—–

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?”

“11” he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right. What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”

“Today and tomorrow.”

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

“Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

—–

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness,” her mother explained. “And today is the happiest day in her life.” The child thought about this for a moment. “So why is the groom wearing black?”

—–

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

—–

A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?”

The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!

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humor #463

A student burst into his professor’s office and says; “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me.”

To which Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”

 —–

Husband: I just saw a very beautiful woman.

Wife: Really? Then what happened?

Husband: I just kept on admiring her, on and on…

Wife (getting irritated): WHAT happened then?

Husband smiled and said: You’re still here!

 —–

Did you hear about the guy who went to the dentist to get new dentures?

His insurance was denied and he only had a dollar on him… so he wound up with buck teeth.

——

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing something right.

—–

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

—–

humor #462

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.

 —–

 Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.

Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.

 —–

 A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I’m the chip monk!

 —–

 “How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy. “Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child”. What did she say?” his mother asked. “The teacher said, “Thank goodness”

 —–

 The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.

“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.

“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”

humor #461

Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal.

One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to say their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my four-year-old finished, her three-year-old sister kept on praying.

Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, “Hey! My peas are still here!”

 —–

 As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

“Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did you?”

“You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him.

When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”

—–

 A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given to the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.'”

“See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded the jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I discovered that my husband was having an affair with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.”

She wasn’t selected for the jury.

 —–

 PUNS: THE TATES

Do you know how many members of the TATE family belong to our organization?

There is old man DICK TATE who wants to run everything, while Uncle RO TATE tries to change everything.

Their sister, AGI TATE, stirs up plenty of trouble with help from her husband, IRRI TATE.

Whenever new projects are suggested, HESI TATE and his wife, VEGI TATE, want to wait until next year.

Brother FACILI TATE is quite helpful in group matters.

And a happy member is Ms. FELICI TATE.

Cousins COGI TATE and MEDI TATE always think things over and lend a helpful steady hand.

And, of course, there is the bad seed in the family, AMPU TATE, who has cut himself off completely from the rest of the organization.

—–

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”

“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

humor #460

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

—–

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

—–

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

—–

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Peter: Because they had so many knights.

Humor #459

A college’s student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player – a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.

This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player’s academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.

The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, “How much is five and two?” The student frowns in deep concentration – he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, “SEVEN”. The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. “Give him another chance. Give him another chance”.

 —–

 After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, “When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?”

 Sean says, “I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man.”

 Karl says, “I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children’s lives.”

 Juan says, “I would like to hear them say, ‘Look! He’s moving!'”

 —–

 At a high school, a group of students played a prank: they let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

School administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

 —–

 Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. “However, if you’re over 65,” he said, ” the price will be only $5.50.”

From the back of the congregation, a woman’s voice rang out, “Do you really think I’d give you that information for only 50 cents?”

Humor #458

From my niece…

After reminding Adelaide (at age 5) that children who obey their parents are blessed, she resolved, “but Mommy, I want to be BOTH naughty and blessed and not get in trouble for no-no’s”

 —–

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, “Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”

All the other Senators pleaded to the angry member that he withdraw his statement or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member accepted.

“Ok” he said, “I withdraw what I said.

Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”

—–

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”

—–

A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up.

 “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor.

 “Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” beg the attorney.

 “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the governor.

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