Humor #698

“This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half of your job for you.”

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, “Fine. I’ll take two.”

—–

I was six years old when my daddy took me for my first airplane ride.

We boarded the plane and I got the window seat. After a short while I turned to daddy and exclaimed, “Daddy! We’re so high up all the cars on the freeway down there look like ants.”

Daddy moved over and looked out the window. After a moment he smiled and said, “Those are ants my dear, we haven’t taken off yet.”

—–

During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance.

This was the winning entry: “I put a cheerful countenance on people every day.”

It was submitted by our local funeral director.

—–

“I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin,” the mother said. “Where is he?”

“Well,” her son replied thoughtfully, “if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he’s out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he’s out swimming.”

Humor #697

Seven-year-old John had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phone his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving.

“Wait a minute,” said the mother. “I had John here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

—–

Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.

The one old man reeled in his line, laid down his pole, faced the street, and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.

The other fisherman was amazed and stated, “I didn’t know you were that religious.”

The other looked at him and said, “Least I could do — we’ve been married 42 years!”

—–

A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building, “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?

“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.

Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”

Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“

—–

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…

It turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

Humor #696

I used to be conceited, but now I am perfect.

—–

A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss’ kind offer.

The boss asked, “Why would you turn down such a generous offer?”

The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.

“Well, what are they?” asked the boss.

“The first,” he said, “is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper’s circulation.”

The boss asked him what the other reason was.

“The other reason,” replied the writer, “is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper’s circulation.”

—–

Letter of Rejection of Rejection Letter

Dear [Interviewer’s Name]:

Thank you for your letter of _________.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm’s Name]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

 

—–

Old man walks up and says, “For sixty years I’ve been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year.”

“Why’s that?”

“Better selection of turkeys!”

—–

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.

“Well,” he said, “I take ’em out in the woods and make ’em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen.”

Humor #695

Little Benny and his daddy were standing in front of the lion’s cage at the zoo.

Benny’s father was explaining how ferocious and strong lions are, and Benny was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Daddy,” Benny said finally, “if the lion got out of his cage and ate you up…”

“Yes, son?” Benny’s father said expectantly.

Benny continued, “What bus should I take home?”

—–

“Now this is the verbal part of your employment test,” said the interviewer. “Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?”

“Certainly,” replied the applicant. “It means I don’t get the job.”

—–

Because of a minor infraction, a sailor aboard Navy ship bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined, and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, “They can bust me, they can fine me — but they can’t take away my birthday.”

As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, “They can bust me, they can fine me — but they can’t take away my birthday.”

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line — and it was July 23.

—–

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Humor #694

“Man, me and my wife had a fight yesterday.”

“Oh yea, about what?”

“You see, I wanted to watch the game but she wanted to watch a movie.”

“So, how was the movie?”

—–

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. “Make three wishes,” she told her mother, “and I’ll grant them.”

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, “I wish to have a trim figure again.”

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.

“I’ll need more power for this!” she exclaimed.

—–

Competition for the apathy prize is keen!

—–

CYCLOPS: How do you spell Hawaii?

WIFE: [biting lip] well … you need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS: [puts pen down] My life is just a joke to you, isn’t it Linda.

—–

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike!

Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.

Humor #693

Seen on T-Shirts

“I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts — Do You Want Fries With That?”

“Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time”

“That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!” (seen on an 8 year old)

“Rehab Is for Quitters”

“My Dog Can Lick Anyone”

“All men are idiots, and I married their king”

“Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!”

“He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead”

“Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!”

“My wild oats have turned into shredded wheat.”

“Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.”

Humor #692

There was a pretty Nurse named Carol who broke her engagement to a doctor. She was explaining everything to a friend.

“Do you mean to say,” exclaimed Cindy, “that the bum asked you to give back the ring AND all his presents?”

“Not only that,” said Carol, “he sent me a bill for 37 visits!”

—–

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, “Hey, you’re a duck!”

“Nothing wrong with your eyesight,” observes the duck.

“Yeah, but I mean — you can TALK!” says the barman.

“I guess your ears are fine, too,” answers the duck. “Now, can I have a beer please?” The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he’s doing in the area. “Oh,” says the duck, “I work as a plasterer on the building site over there. We’ll be here for a couple of weeks, and I’ll be in each lunchtime for a pint.”

And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager. The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. “You should get it into your circus,” he says. “You could make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I’ll speak to him about it.”

The following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. The barman says, “You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He’s very interested in you.”

“Really?” says the duck.

“Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily.”

“Hang on,” says the duck. “You did say a CIRCUS, didn’t you?”

“That’s right.”

“That’s one of those tent things, isn’t it? With a big pole in the middle?”

“Yeah!”

“That’s canvas, isn’t it?” asks the duck.

“Of course,” replies the barman. “I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner’s dead keen.”

The duck looks very puzzled. “What would he want with a plasterer?”

—–

I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

—–

Humor #691

The Rules of Bureaucracy

  1. Preserve thyself.
  2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
  3. A penny saved is an oversight.
  4. Information deteriorates upward.
  5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
  6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
  7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap, wrong answer.
  8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
  9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
  10. There’s never enough time to do it right, but there’s always enough time to do it over.
  11. Paperwork is the lubricant of bureaucracy.

Humor #690

Ambivialent? Well, yes and no.

—–

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

—–

Two businessmen walk into a diner in the countryside. They have decided to stop there for lunch, so without ordering anything they sit down, take out sandwiches from their bags and begin to eat them.

The waiter sees this and says to them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

So the businessmen look at each other, shrug, and swap sandwiches.

—–

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?

That’s common sense leaving your body.

—–

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone.

She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

“Give this to your husband,” he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. “He’s been yelling for it for 15 minutes!”

Humor #689

—–

Tonight’s subject is prayer. Some people are very proud of the fact that they don’t pray, others are proud of the fact that they do pray. I heard of one family who had some visitors coming to lunch and they wanted to show-off to their visitors how well they had bought up their children and how well their children prayed.

So when it came to lunch they said to their son, Johnny, “Johnny, why don’t you pray?” Johnny looked rather embarrassed and he said, “I can’t.” So, the mother just whispered to him, “Johnny, just say what Daddy said at breakfast.”

So he shut his eyes and said, “Oh God [pause] why do we have to have these awful people over for lunch today?”

—–

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

—–

Woman: Do you love me?

Man: Yes, dear.

Woman: Would you die for me?

Man: No… mine is an undying love.

—–

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

“Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied, “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”