Humor #817

IN A PERFECT WORLD…

• You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.
• Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.
• Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.
• Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.
• People would always see good reasons to be optimistic.
• You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.
• The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
• Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.
• If the guy from the government said to you, “I’m here to help,” not only would he mean it, but also he’d do it.
• First impressions wouldn’t count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.
• All people could expect to be accepted.
• Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, “Go back and slam the door.”
• Highway patrolmen would never be around when you’re running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won’t get off your bumper.
• The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
• Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.
• More would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.

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Humor #816

Note: I am now publishing on the 1st, 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th & 25th of each month

I have become more optimistic and now believe that things could get worse.

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Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper.

“This man,” he announced, “Called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

“Wow,” he said. “Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

—–

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister.

The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.

“It’s no use,” Robbie said. “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”

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Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The class used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?”

He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She said she can’t feel her legs!”

Humor #815

I don’t always go the extra mile…

But when I do, it’s because I missed my exit!

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Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares!

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Two diners at a very swanky eatery were shocked to see on the menu a dish of “hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup.”

They summoned a waiter to complain.

Their waiters looked at the menu. Then he threw it down and yelled to the owner in the kitchen, “Hey, the printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!”

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A mom was carpooling her Sarah and friend Melanie to Hebrew School one day when she caught wind of the conversation between the two six-year-olds in the back seat…

Melanie, “Our family is kosher”

Sarah, “What’s kosher?”

Melanie, “That’s when you can’t have cheese with your ham sandwich!!”

Humor #814

Hymns for Professionals

•           DENTIST: Crown Him with many crowns

•           CONTRACTORS: The church’s one foundation

•           OBSTETRICIANS: Come, labour on

•           GOLFERS: There is a green hill far away

•           POLITICIANS: Standing on the promises

•           LIBRARIANS: Let all mortal flesh keep silence

•           LAWYERS: In the hour of trial

•           DRY CLEANERS: O for a faith that will not shrink

•           CREDIT CARD USERS: A charge to keep have I

•           CENSUS TAKERS: All people that on earth do dwell

•           TRAFFIC ENGINEERS: Where cross the crowded ways of life

•           TAXATION OFFICERS: We give thee but thine own

Humor #813

A customer at a restaurant summoned the waiter and said angrily, “Look at the size of this piece of beef. Last evening, I received a piece more than twice its size!”

“Where did you sit?” asked the waiter.

“By the window. Why does that matter?”

“Well, that explains it. We always serve larger portions to customers sitting by the window. It’s good advertising.”

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When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

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Them: “Why do you always carry a knife?”

Me: “The last time I tried to open a bag of chips with a 9mm, things didn’t go so well.”

—–

Pandemonium Strikes Again

When the ice-maker on our refrigerator broke, my husband dropped by the local hardware to find the part. Because the sun was so bright that day and the interior of the store was dark, his eyes hadn’t quite adjusted when he walked in. He accidentally stepped on the foot of a woman examining some samples. She screamed, causing my husband to jump sideways into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in every direction. Unnerved, he stumbled over to the service desk, and as he put his hands on the counter, he flipped over a bowl of marbles, scattering them everywhere.

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the wide-eyed woman working there, “My refrigerator doesn’t work.”

She replied, simply, “I don’t doubt it.”

Humor #812

Note: Starting this month I am switching to publishing on the 1st, 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th & 25th of each month

 Why do we love children?

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..’

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now She’s hitting the bottle.

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.

‘It sure is,’ I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’

‘And why not, darling?’

‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

Humor #811

Note: Starting this month I am switching to publishing on the 1st, 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th & 25th of each month

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?

Its called On & On Anon.

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A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience.

The man said, “Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew.”

“Really?” said the ringmaster. “Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?”

“Yes he did,” the man replied.

“And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?”

“Yes he did,” the man replied.

“And have you ever stuck your head in a lion’s mouth?”

“Just once,” the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, “Why only once?”

The man said, “I was looking for my father.”

—–

During tryouts for one of the chorus positions in the upcoming musical The Sound of Music, one of the girls told the judges, “Mother says I sing beautifully.”

The judge replied, “Bring me a recommendation from your neighbors and I’ll give you a tryout.”

—–

A hog farmer decided to give names to his new piglets. Two of them were always getting into mischief.

His wife asked what names he was giving this pair.

He answered sharply, “Hamfull and Mayham!”

—–

Humor #810

Note: Starting this month I am switching to publishing on the 1st, 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th & 25th of each month

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek…

Do they automatically lose because they can’t find themselves?

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Teacher: “Define energy.”

Johnny: “I don’t remember the complete definition but I remember the last few words.”

Teacher: “Ok, say the last few words then.”

Johnny: “… and this is called energy.”

—–

A few years back, I had my old 45 RPM records out to look through and my daughter asked what they were. I explained that back in the 1960s before CDs were invented, this was how we listened to music. I further explained how all the bands issued singles on these “45s,” and radio stations would rate the top 40 songs every week.

She was quite impressed as I continued describing how one used a phonograph to play them.

I burst out laughing when she asked — perfectly straight faced — “Daddy, how many megs of RAM does one of these hold?”

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One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge…

It’ll be called YouTwitFace.

Humor #809

Two Liners, Part 2

It’s been raining for days, and my wife seems so sad looking through the window.

If it continues like this, I might have to let her in.

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How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, that’s a hardware issue.

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Here’s a bit of advice for you.

Advi.

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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can’t tell me its a coincidence!

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What’s the only thing worse than constant advertisements?

You’ll find out right after these messages…

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To the guy who invented infinity,

thanks for everything.

Humor #808

Two Liners, Part 1

I got a PlayStation 5 for my brother.

Best trade ever.

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I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

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What do you get if you mix a horse with a cat?

A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone involved.

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I broke my finger today.

On the other hand, I am okay.

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I’d tell you a joke about the PlayStation 5,

but you probably won’t get it.

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As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, 

“You know, one would have been enough.”

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According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat. So we’ve been spending most the year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.