Humor #561

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”

“And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”

The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”

“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

 —–

 Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.

‘Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?’

—–

 A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”

“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”

 —–

A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?” “No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,

He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”

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Humor #560

 Did you hear about the elephant who was always left out of things and thus felt irrelephant?

 —–

 If pro is the opposite of con, what’s the opposite of progress?

Congress!

—–

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we’d drop them off at our church’s children’s chapel on Sundays before the eleven o’clock service.

One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments.  He said he had an emergency and asked if I’d speak to the children at their story time.  He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.

But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren’t smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd’s job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, “If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?” He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed.  Then a young visitor said, ” Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd.”

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, “Well, then, who am I?”

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, “I guess you must be a sheep dog.”

Humor #559

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

—–

Then there’s the one about the Buddhist monk who went up to a hot dog vendor and ordered a hot dog.

The vendor asked him, “How do you want it?”

And the monk said, “I want it to be ‘one with everything’,” and hands him a $20 bill.

The vendor then gives him his hot dog and continues on with his business.

The monk asks, “Where is my change?”

And the vendor replies, “Change must come from within.”

—–

 The new office computer system was down as much as it was working. Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. “What a perfect end to an awful day!” she exclaimed. “Our computer is up, then down — up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!”

The officer was unaffected by Cathy’s griping and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, “Our computer is down.”

—–

“What’s the usual tip?” a man growled when a University of South Carolina student delivered his pizza.

“Well,” the student replied, “this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I’d be doing great.”

“That so?” grunted the man. “In that case, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” the student said, “I’ll put it in my college fund.”

“By the way, what are you studying?”

“Applied psychology.”

Humor #558

We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them.  Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.

“Finally!” I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house.  “I’ve been waiting twelve years for this!”

“Don’t blame me, lady,” he said.  “I just got the order this morning.”

—–

For months Bill had been Lynn’s devoted admirer.  Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions.

“There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” Bill began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn’s eyes.  Then she nodded in agreement.  Finally, Lynn responded,

“I think it’s a great idea!  Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?”

—–

One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin’s book stores. As one of the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman asked the clerk the price of the book he wished to purchase. The young clerk looked at the price posted on the book and said, “That book is one dollar, sir.”

The gentleman began to haggle with the clerk over the price. The clerk assured him that the correct price for the book was one dollar and no lower. As the man realized that his efforts to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere, he insisted on speaking with Ben Franklin directly.

Franklin stopped his work and walked out to the storefront. The gentleman asked him, “What is the price of this book?”

Franklin answered, “One dollar and a quarter.”

The gentleman was confused and replied, “Your clerk just said it was a dollar.”

Franklin looked at the book again and answered, “Yes, it was a dollar. But now you’re wasting my time.”

Humor #557

The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children’s Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.

Now, a decade or so later, the elderly lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.

Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.

Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child’s questions in terms she could understand, but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry:

“Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James virgin?”

—–

Two snails went to an auto race. There were twenty six cars, so instead of numbers the cars were identified by letters from A to Z.

As the race started, the S car quickly sped away from the trailing pack of cars. Seeing this, the one snail said to the other, “Hey, look at that S car go!”

—–

An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, “I have no room for your bike in my car, but I’d like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun.”

After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, “I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I’ll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I’ll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I’ll slow down.”

The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning “you want a drag?” Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy.

They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn’t catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the rode to intercept. “Car number 2, this is car number 1.” “Go head number 1, what’cha got for me?” I got a red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?”

“Ten-four, Is there anything else?”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass.”

—–

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

 

Humor #556

 At a bus stop, a dad handed out bus fare to each member of our family except our four-year-old daughter, Nina. Feeling left out, she asked, “What about me?!”

 Mom explained, “Nina, you’re free.”

 She then protested, saying, “No, Mommy! I’m four!”

 —–

 On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. “Where did my CORNBREAD go?” he shouted.

—–

 A doctor worked on the tenth floor of an office building. In the building was a pub, where the doctor had a lemon daiquiri, every day at quitting time. The bartender’s name was Dick.

 One day Dick found out he didn’t have any lemons and no time to get any. So he thought he would make up a hickory daiquiri instead and at the end of the day, the doctor would be too tired to notice.

The doctor sat down, took a sip and said “This isn’t a lemon daiquiri, Dick!”…To which Dick replied, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”

—–

 After watching the girls do line dancing, Michael thought, hey I can do this. So he got in line and asked one of the girls, what’s the name of this dance?

 “She said I don’t know; this is the line for the bathroom”

—–

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.

The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, “Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I’m fine.”

Humor #555

Waiter, I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.

I’m sorry, sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?

—–

 The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ”And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

 ”Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. ”I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

 ”All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, ”But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

 ”But, Father,” protested the young priest, ”my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

 ”Yes,” replied the elderly priest, ”and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!”

 —–

 A lady was expecting her first baby, a six-year-old neighborhood girl was particularly curious. She wanted to see the baby furniture and hear our list of possible names.

When she asked where the baby was, the mom-to be was a walking show-and-tell even at four months. But then she asked the question that probably had been foremost in her mind: “How did the baby get in there?”

“I think you’d better ask your mother about that,” she said.

“Oh, I tried that,” she confessed. “Nobody in my family knows!”

—–

 We were enjoying a series of youth crusades at our church. It had been an exciting time as our youngest child and then our middle child made a public declaration to follow Jesus.

During the final night of the crusade our oldest son very slowly made his way to the altar.

Following the service Dad commented on his decision. Our son replied, “Yes, it was very hard to make it down front.”

It seems our son took the speaker’s instructions of “every head bowed and every eye closed” literally—making his way to the altar without looking.