Humor #602

Nurse: Good morning Mr. Frobisher, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.

Mr. Frobisher: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.

—–

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom” and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll take care of it.”

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was “Mom.”

“Martin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”

—–

I am really bad at measuring pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti, come on over!

—–

“I hate being half bicycle – half motorcycle,” he moped.

—–

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people; we haven’t met yet.

—–

I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia!

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Humor #601

Old people look at things differently

  1. My goal for 2019 was to lose just 10 pounds . . . I now have only 15 to go.
  2. I had a salad for dinner . . it was mostly croutons & tomatoes . .  really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce . . and cheese . . okay, fine, it was a pizza . . I had a pizza for dinner.
  3. How to prepare Tofu in two steps:  1)  Throw it in the trash; 2)  Grill some Meat.
  4. I did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
  5. I don’t mean to brag but . . . I finished my 14-day diet meals in 3 hours and 20 minutes .
  6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
  7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
  8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
  9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school?  Me neither.
  10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented . . . . I forgot where I was going with this.
  11. Even though I’m over 70, I learn something new every day . . .however, I forget 5 other things.
  12. A thief broke into my house last night and was searching for money . . .  when I woke up, we searched together.

Humor #600

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, “Sorry, kid, but baggers can’t be juicers.”

—–

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”

“4136,” I replied, since we were allowed only to give our operator numbers.

Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?”

—–

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh sir?”

—–

The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news. I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning.

Of course, I was excited, but that didn’t stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.

“Why?” asked the chairman.

“Because,” I said, “our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don’t want be known as VP of CRAP.”

Humor #599

Brenda had been stressing the importance of independence to her granddaughter, Shila, 7, while they were waiting for the 4th of July fireworks to begin.

She felt she had made her point until Shila thoughtfully said, “You know Nana, you can live without your independence. Amber’s doctor took out her independence and she’s still living.”

I don’t run, and if you ever see me running, you should run too because something is probably chasing me.

—–

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

—–

A blonde bought herself a new Mercedes. She can drive the car during the day but at night the car won’t move at all.

She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.

Furious, she calls the dealership, tells them the problem and they send a mechanic to the house.

The mechanic gives the car a thorough inspection and can’t find anything wrong. Eventually, he asks the Blonde, ” Are you sure you’re using the right gears?”

“Of course I am. I’m not stupid. I use “D” during the day and “N” at night!”

—–

A recent Aberta Govt. study, has found over 200 dead crows near Calgary, Alberta and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone’s relief.

However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The Provincial Government hired an Ornithological Behaviorist from Toronto to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that: The lookout crow could say “Cah,” but could not say, “Truck.”

Humor #598

I want to be a bear……

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup……I want to be a bear!

—–

Don’t be condescending (that’s when you talk down to people).


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan and an Ethiopian went to a night club.

The bouncer said, “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

—–

Breaking News!! Cheese Factory Explosion.

De brie everywhere.

—–

A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”

Humor #597

Judas Asparagus ;

 

If you need a laugh today, then this should do it! A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbour’s stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Humor #596

Two blondes looking at their car’s flat tire.

“I don’t understand?”

“What?”

“How come the bottom part of the tire always gets a flat?”

“Good question!”

—–

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

 I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’ then he would tell me to take a few days off.

 So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

 My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was ‘Crazy’ and give me a few days off.

 A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, ‘What in the name of goodness are you doing?’

 I told him I was a light bulb.

 He said, ‘You are clearly stressed out.’ Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.’ I jumped down and walked out of the office…

 When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, ‘..And where do you think you’re going?!’

 (You’re gonna love this….)

 She said, ‘I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.