Humor #688

An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service.

One day after church, the pastor couldn’t resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, “I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that.”

The wife looked up sharply and said, “It’s not love, Pastor, I’m just keeping him from cracking his knuckles.”

—–

While working in the psychology department at a local college, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a meeting. I called the copy room and asked, “Can I get something blown up down there?”

After a pause, the voice on the line replied, “I think you want the chemistry lab.”

—–

For years my sister’s husband tried unsuccessfully to persuade her to get a hearing aid.

“How much do they cost?” she asked one day after he had pitched the idea to her again.

“They’re usually about $3000,” he said.

“Okay, well if you say something worth $3000,” she replied, “I’ll get one.”

—–

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they have to do it while you’re eating dinner.

—–

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left!

Humor #687

On my four-year-old daughter’s first trip to Disneyland, she couldn’t wait to get on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.

When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, “Next time, you drive. I didn’t know where I was going.”

—–

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” and she began telling him about her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife’s turn to talk she took the receiver and said, “Hi, honey.”

“Thank goodness, lady,” the voice on the other end replied. “I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!”

—–

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good night’s sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”

“Why not?” he asks.

She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”

Her husband is confused. “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”

The wife is adamant, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

His wife is certain. “I know I’m dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”

—–

A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop’s Grocery Store. Pop didn’t know what Sammy’s problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed.

To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could have just one. They said he always took the nickel because it was bigger.

One day after Sammy took the nickel, Pop pulled him to one side and said, “Son, don’t you know they’re making fun of you? They think you don’t know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you really grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

“No,” Sammy said, “but if I took the dime they’d quit doing it!”

Humor #686

Two students were talking about their childhood.

“I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk.”

“You call that clever?” the other said. “I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!”

—–

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked, “What is the quickest way to the lake?”

The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist.

“I’m driving.”

“That’s the quickest way.”

—–

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes.

I asked her, “What should I do to stop my addiction?”

She said, “Hey, whatever means necessary.”

“No, no it doesn’t,” I said.

—–

After reviewing Little Johnny’s report card, Johnny’s mother gave praise for the marks he received except for one class. “Johnny, I wish you would pay a little attention to your arithmetic.”

“Well I do,” Johnny replied. “I pay as little attention to arithmetic as possible.”

Humor #685

During the vows at the wedding the minister asks the bride to be, “Do you take this man to be your wedded husband for better or worse?”

The bride answers, “Just as he is Father. If he gets any better, I know the Lord will take him, and if he gets any worse, I’ll tend to him myself.”

—–

Him: “Since Mr. Wilson has lost his money, half his friends don’t know him anymore.”

Her: “And the other half?”

Him: “They don’t know yet that he’s lost his money.”

—–

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you. I’m a psychologist.”

“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”

“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”

—–

“When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore.

She asked, “What are the age and make of the vehicle?”

Mark replied, “It’s a ’65 Ford.” Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added, “It’s an old fossil.”

Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned. “Is there a problem?” asked Mark.

“Mr. Evans, our computers have a lot of automotive data,” she explained, “but it’s never heard of a Ford Fossil.”

Humor #684

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, “I’m at Post Office Box 99.”

The weary lineman replied, “Ma’am, I’ll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope.”

—–

Teacher: Are you good in history?

Little Johnny: Yes and no.

Teacher: What does that mean?

Little Johnny: Yes, I’m no good in history.

—–

“Yes,” said the lawyer to his client. “You have got the best case I have ever heard.”

“Thanks,” said the client, grabbing up his coat and heading out the door.

“Where are you going?” ask the astonished lawyer.

“I’m going to settle this case out of court,” said the leaving client.

“But I told you it is the best case I have ever heard?”

“Maybe,” began the client, “but not for me, I told you the other fellow’s case.”

—–

The teacher asked her student to write on the chalkboard the number 55. The student asked, “How do I do that?”

Teacher replied, “Write down the number 5, and beside it add another 5.”

The student wrote one 5 and stopped. The teacher inquired, “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know which side to write the other 5?”

Humor #683

One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year.

“Why don’t you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?” one of them suggested.

“I thought of that,” he replied, “but my keyboard doesn’t have Roman numerals on it.”

—–

Chaos, panic and disorder … my work here is done.

~~ A toddler

—–

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

—–

A telemarketer calls, “I would like to speak with Max, please.”

The homeowner reluctantly replies, “I suppose that would be possible, but it seems rather strange.”

The telemarketer responds, “Why would that be?”

The homeowner answers, “This is the first time we’ve ever had a call for the dog.”

—–

My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Dorian, Lydian and Diminished. The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

Humor #682

Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver’s windshield:

“Please don’t take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don’t say I never towed you!”

—–

When her husband came home unexpectedly, the young wife opened the window and told her lover to jump.

“You’re mad, this is the thirteenth floor!” he replied, shocked.

“Just jump, this is no time for superstitions!”

—–

Carl: I heard a new joke the other day. I wonder if I told it to you?

Lenny: Is it funny?

Carl: Yes.

Lenny: Then you didn’t.

—–

Little Johnny came home from his first day at school.

Little Johnny: I’m not going back tomorrow!

Mom: Why not, what happened?

Little Johnny: Well, I cant read and I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk—so what’s the use?

Humor #681

When I was eight my Dad was taking me to see a movie. On the way there I asked him if he would buy me some gum. He said, “No, you don’t need any.”

After arriving at the theater and taking ours seats, Dad changed his mind. He told me it would be okay for me to have some gum and he was going to get it.

I spoke up and said, “You don’t need to buy me gum anymore, Daddy. I found some under the seat.”

—–

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant’s head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: “Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??”

—–

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

“I’ll tell you why,” said Deacon Brown. “Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.”

“Well,” interrupted the dealer, “didn’t you receive them yet?”

“Oh, we received them all right,” replied Deacon Brown.

“However, you sent us some golf pencils…each stamped with the words, ‘Play Golf Next Sunday’.”

—–

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank..

The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type-O!”

Humor #680

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor,”You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.”

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, “You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was so guilty, so I told him to split.”

—–

A girl is doing a crossword puzzle…

“What’s a 7-letter word for ‘easily perceived or understood’ that starts with ‘O’?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“It should be, but I can’t figure it out. That’s why I’m asking.”

—–

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $50,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the host MC that he desired a question on American History.

The big night arrived. Bob made his way onstage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The MC stepped up to the mike.

“Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $50,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?”

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence – the crowd went wild. He hadn’t missed a question all week.

“Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?”

Bob was becoming noticeably more nervous. He couldn’t believe it, but he was uncertain; American History was his best subject, and he played it safe.

“I’ll try the easier part first.”

The MC nodded approvingly. “Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.”

The audience grew silent with gross anticipation…

“Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?”

—–

While most puns make me feel numb, mathematics puns make me feel number.

Humor #679

Store keeper: Good morning Sir! How may I help you?

Customer: Why is this water bottle cost so much? It’s $20 per liter!

Store Keeper: Sir, this is pure water from an ancient glacier of the Alps. That’s why it is very costly.

Customer: Pure water from the Alps, huh? Then why is the date of expiration September 2019?

—–

A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: “Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000.”

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.

Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, “So what did you do with the money?”

—–

Rabbi Bloom caught two of his rabbinical students gambling and drinking on Sabbath.

Next day, Rabbi Bloom called them into his office and asked them what was going on.

They immediately confessed to having given in to weakness and agreed that they deserved some form of punishment for their sin.

Rabbi Bloom thought a lot about this and then came up with the answer. He bought two bags of dried peas from the delicatessen and told them, “Put these in your shoes and walk on them for a week to remind yourselves how hard life can be when you turn away from God.”

A few days later, the two students met each other in the street. One had a pronounced limp and had dark circles under his eyes. He looked very tired and weary. On the other hand, the other was the same as he had been before.

“Hey,” said the first. “How is it that you are walking so easily? Why didn’t you do as the Rabbi asked and put the peas in your shoes?”

“I did,” said the other. “But I boiled them first.”

—–

The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. “Do you have a second mortgage on your home?”

“No,” I replied.

“Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”

“I really don’t have any,” I said.

“How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” he tried.

“I don’t need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash,” I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, “Are you looking for a husband?”