Humor #81

 When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”

 “Look in your underwear, Grandma! ,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four.”

  —–

 A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”

 The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

 “That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?”

 “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change “y” to “i” and add ‘es’.”

  —–

 Subject: Children’s Logic:

 Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher.

 The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

 The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

 “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

  —–

 A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, “Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?”

 Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV – “The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'”

  —–

 Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie’s picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

 “The flight to Egypt.” said Jimmy.

 “I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus,” Ms Susie said. But who’s the fourth person?”

 “Oh, that’s Pontius – the Pilot.”

  —–

 A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

 “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

 “No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

 A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs”, she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

 —–

 Groaner: Emergency Kit

 Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled “Emergency Repair Kit.” Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.

 Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

 She said, “It’s part of my emergency repair kit.”

 Josh said, “I can see that, but why?”

 Sally replied, “In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires.”

 —–

 Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the door glass.

 Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register.

 He asked the store’s owner “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

 “Yep,” the proprietor answered, “That’s him.”

 The stranger couldn’t help being amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me,” he chuckled. “Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?”

 “Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.” 

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Humor #72

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

—–

While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed so the woman said, “That’s OK, it’s in coupon heaven now.”

“Coupon heaven?” the checker said.

“Yes,” the woman said, “That’s where coupons go when they die.”

“Only the redeemed ones!” said the checker.

—–

I’m Smart

My dad gave me one dollar bill

‘Cause I’m his smartest son,

And I swapped it for two shiny quarters

‘Cause two is more than one!

And then I took the quarters

And traded them to Lou

For three dimes–I guess he didn’t know

That three is more than two!

Just then, along came old blind Bates

And just ’cause he can’t see

He gave me four nickels for my three dimes,

And four is more than three!

And I took the nickels to Hiram Coombs

Down at the seed-feed store,

And the fool gave me five pennies for them,

And five is more than four!

And I went and showed my dad,

And he got red in the cheeks

And closed his eyes and shook his head–

Too proud of me to speak!

—–

A young boy called the pastor of a local “corner” church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.

The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road.

So the pastor asked, “Shouldn’t you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?”

The young boy replied, “Yeah, but we didn’t want to take the chance that he might catch whatever this is that Mom has.”

—–

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco’s Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a sightseeing boat to Alcatraz Prison. The children weren’t good at waiting: they fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window.

“Five tickets, please,” the father said. “Two round trip, three one way.”

—–

“When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.”

—–

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, “What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?”

Expecting to see “the D-Day invasion” as the answer, I found instead on one paper, “Moses and the plague of frogs.”

—–

“People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that just makes me sick.” ~Paul Larson

—–

Two horses were galloping along when one stumbled and landed on its side.

After a number of tries the tumbled equine finally regained his footing, but when he tried to run to catch up to his buddy he found he couldn’t even trot.

Calling after his friend he neighed, “I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!”

Pages

Put in first page. Played around with what I learned yesterday about inserting pictures and text traveling around it.

One question I have is why is it necessary to have the Reply box/buttons at the bottom. Shouldn’t they just be for post pages? This will be one of those things I will just have to accept and work around. At least the right side doesn’t have the widgets. Though there is probably a place for them.

More later. Got to go.

Humor #4

Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? “Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in park?”

 
—–
 
Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team’s dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. “Yeah, it was great,” she said. “I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don’t get why all the fuss about a quarter!” Charlie is confused.
 
“At the beginning of the game,” she explained, “I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It’s only 25 cents!”
 
—–
 

A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”

 
—–
 
There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic “When I die I’ll get it on my way up.” chuckled the old man.
 
Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. “I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!” said the old woman.
 
—–
 

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands’ attitudes towards leftovers:

“It gets rough,” one said. “My husband is a movie producer and he calls them reruns.”

“You think you have it bad,” was the reply. “Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!”

“That’s nothing compared to me,” said the third lady. “My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!”

—–
 

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became
upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she
charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the
only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell
asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the
chest.

It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

 
——
 
As our family was eating dinner one evening before Advent began, I asked, “Who can tell me what the four candles in the Advent wreath represent?” Luke, my 7-year-old, exuberantly began, “There’s love, joy, peace, and … and …” Eager to keep up with her brother, 6-year-old Elise excitedly broke in, “I know! Peace and quiet!”
 
—–
 

A new mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the
first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the
store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her
purchases around her.

At the checkout line, a small boy and his mother were ahead
of them. The child was crying and begging for some special
treat.

“He wants some candy or gum and his mother won’t let him
have any,” she thought.

Then she heard his mother’s reply.

“No!” she said, looking in her direction. “You may not have
a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!”

 
—–
 

Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas.

One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began:

“911, what is your emergency?”

“Osifer, I’ve been robbed!”

“Can you be more specific sir?”

“Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal.”

“Could you please repeat that sir?” By now there’s a crowd gathering around the dispatcher’s chair.

“Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel.”

“Sir, what is your location?”

“I’m in my car.”

“Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?”

“Yes, shur. I’m on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!”

“Alright, sir, we’ll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm.”

The phone call ends at this point but not five minutes later another call comes in.

“911, what is your emergency?”

“Osifer?”

“Yes, what is your emergency please?”

“Osifer, this is me again. I just found my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal.”

“Okay, sir. Are you still needing assistance?”

“No, shur, I was just in the back seat.”