Humor #440

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: “I am perfectly well.”

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel…collect…on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

“This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”

—–

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work. “Did you read the paper?” he asked. “I’m not going in to work tomorrow. I’m calling in fat.”

—–

A class was taken on a fishing boat for a field trip, and the teacher, in an attempt to lessen fears of big fish, stated, “There are no fish big enough to swallow people.”

“But how about the fish that swallowed Jonah I learned about in Sunday school?” asked one little boy.

“You can’t believe everything you’re told,” responded the teacher.

“I’ll ask Jonah when I get to heaven,” he replied.

“What if Jonah didn’t go to heaven?” prodded his teacher.

“Then you ask him,” was the reply.

—–

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell convenience, so I made it risk.”

—–

During a road trip, I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a sign on the wall advising: “Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two.”

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I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts.

After visiting several homes, she commented on the different styles of doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled. We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound like.

At the precise moment she touched the doorbell at one house, the church tower began to chime. She wheeled around with a look of amazement on her face. “Now that’s a doorbell!”

 

Humor #439

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote “The Hokie Pokey” died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. That’s when the trouble started…

—–

“Buying your wife a matching belt and bag for Valentines Day is NOT a good idea if they fit the vacuum cleaner.”

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As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

“They’re so thoughtful,” Barb said. “Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning.”

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David’s loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.

“Tell me,” she said, “does it run in the family?”

“It sure does,” replied David. “And I take after my mom.”

—–

 

Shampoo Warning

I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!

I use this (they say not to use) shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

          “FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads,

         “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

Problem solved!

If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!

—–

They’ve closed a road near where I live in order to repair a collapsed sewer-pipe. The construction workers have put up a sign saying:

ROAD CLOSED

But, since the actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, a lot of drivers go just to see if the road is *really* closed.

After they see that the road really is closed, they start making their way back. Their embarrassment is made worse by another sign right behind the ROAD CLOSED sign, but facing them on their return. The new sign reads:

TOLD YOU SO!

Humor #438

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.

The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but I was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse just wouldn’t stop or slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager saved the day and unplugged the ride.

—–

RANDOM ACTS OF THINKING

I want to become a vegetarian, but I’m not sure I can quit eating meat cold turkey.

I wear glasses. Doesn’t that mean that *everything* I see is an optical illusion?

I paid my psychiatrist with a reality check.

Do fishermen live in the reel world?

You want to know a really, really hugely annoyingly bad habit? Over-exaggeration.

I may not be a great artist, but I am really good at drawing a blank.

My wife and I love each other. I rub her back and she massages my ego.

When he who lives in a glass house invites he who is without sin for dinner, bad things can happen.

You can’t stop progress, but you can unplug a good chunk of it.

A chrysanthemum by any other name … would be easier to spell.

Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

My life no longer needs an extreme makeover. Now it just needs a complete do over.

A friend of mine has a nose ring. She keeps the volume pretty low, though, and sets it to “vibrate” at the movies.

I’m not too handy with tools. I once got my finger caught in a screwdriver.

Yesterday I pushed my luck. It was clearly too weak to move by itself.

—–

 

Humor #437

After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic.

“Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!” she said as she shook the older boy in anger.

“We were just playing ‘church’ mommy,” he said.

“I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.”

—–

Last week when I went to the doctor, the kindly gentleman asked the question I knew he was going to ask: “Now, what are we planning to do about that excess weight you’re carrying around?”

“I don’t know, doc. You want to haul it around for a while?”

“Be serious.”

“I am serious. Look, it just must be an overactive thyroid.”

“No, your thyroid’s perfectly normal. If there’s anything overactive, it’s your fork!”

—–

Father O’Malley answers the phone…

“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”

“It is.”

“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”

“I can.”

“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”

“I do.”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is.”

“Did he donate $10,000.00?”

(pause)

“He will.”

—–

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.

When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

“Ma,” he shouted, “the results are in. I won the election!”

“Honestly?” she replied.

The politician’s smiled faded. “Aw, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?”

—–

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.

By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, “Well, I’ll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!”

“Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the clerk. “With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you’ll be home in no time.

—–

You know times are tough when you order a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asks, “Can you afford fries with that?”

—–

When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded.

I went up to the hostess and asked, “Will it be long?” The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book.

I asked again, “How much of a wait?”

The woman looked up from her book and said, “About ten minutes.”

A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: “Willette B. Long, your table is now ready.”

 

Humor #436

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed.

Glimpsing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining enthusiastically, “All the way home, God’s been taking my picture!”

—–

After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, “If you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!”

It worked.

—–

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.

“Madam,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”

The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

The man replied, “I know you didn’t, but your neighbors did.”

—–

 

Our pastor was organizing an evangelistic outreach using small acts of kindness to demonstrate Christ’s love. He phoned several neighborhood grocery stores and laundromats for permission to do specific services.

On one call, the employee who answered the phone hesitated, then said, “I’ll need to ask the manager, but first, let me make sure I understand: You want to clean up the parking lot, retrieve shopping carts, hold umbrellas for customers, and you don’t want anything in return.”

“Yes, that’s right,” our pastor replied.

After disappearing for a moment, the employee returned to the phone. “I’m sorry,” he said, “we can’t let you do that because if we let you do it, we’d have to let everyone else do it, too!”

—–

Every month before attending my Bible study at church, I would tell my 3-year-old son, Chad, we were going to God’s house. Each time we walked through the quiet sanctuary on our way to the nursery, Chad looked around in awe. One particular day, he stopped abruptly and asked, “Mommy, if this is God’s house, how come He’s never home?”

—–

As I was having my daily devotions one morning, I heard my 3-year-old daughter, Kayla, answer the telephone in the next room. Trying not to burst out laughing, I listened as she told the caller, “My mom is having her emotions now. Can she call you back?”

—–

Humor #435

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, what is butt dust?”

Church was pretty much over at that point …

—–

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’

—–

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’ While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late, But please don’t shove me either!’

—–

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’,

‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’

—–

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’  He answered, ‘Call for backup.’

—–

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a babysitter.’

—–

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

—–

Humor #434

Define “Principal”: The king’s son’s friend

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Use “Aorta” in a sentence: AORTA cut the grass down by the ball field so the kids don’t get hurt. (Jeff Foxworthy)

—–

“I’ll use my stopwatch to see how fast it moves,” said Tom, seconding the motion.

—–

Headline: POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

—–

4 out of 3 people struggle with math.

—–

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

—–

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated “Picture Menu Available”.

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn’t read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, “Well, it says so on the sign, doesn’t it?”

—–

RIDDLES

Why can’t you gain weight by eating pretzels?
Because its knot food.

What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!

Why did the kid put his head on the piano?
Because he wanted to play by ear.

How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Hold its nose.

What do snakes put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles!

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