Humor #470

Immortality Jokes: They never get old!

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During the summer lull between graduate school studies I outlined my sermons for the coming fall. At the end of August I submitted the sermon titles for each week until Christmas to the local newspaper.

At the beginning of September, the church school superintendent requested that I recognize and install the teachers during a Sunday morning worship service. I agreed to do this, but warned him that I had already outlined my sermons for the next few months and at this late date I did not have the time to prepare a special Christian Education Sunday sermon. He affirmed that this was unnecessary and so I sent notice of the installation service to the local newspaper.

A few days before Christian Education Sunday the newspaper reported: “This coming Sunday, the Sunday school teachers of the Oxford Church will be recognized and installed. Reverend Eversull’s special sermon for this occasion is entitled, “Father Forgive Them for They Know Not What They Do!”

—–

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

Lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?”

Witness: “Yes, sir.”

Lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”

Witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one-quarter inches.”

Lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”

Witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”

—–

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well

“Yes! Of course! My pop taught me…even more than 10”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answers the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your erm…dad did a good job. Now…so what comes after…lets say ten?”

“A jack”

—–

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.  It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

—–

 

My grade school daughter, Emily, fidgeted nonstop during our new pastor’s first sermon. After 20 minutes of sighing and wiggling, she turned to me and whispered, “Mom, does this guy get paid to do this?” I smiled and nodded my head.

Ten more minutes passed and his sermon still wasn’t close to conclusion. Again, Emily tugged at my arm and in a low voice said, “How much?”

——

 

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Humor #469

A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.

The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”

 —–

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

 The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”

 The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”

 —–

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen.

 “Well now, where’s my bucket and where’s my water?” Gramma asked him.

 “I can’t get any water from that water hole, Gramma” exclaimed Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”

“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Gramma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

—–

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back to Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”

—–

My 3-year-old son, Ian, enjoys the Bible story about Samuel hearing God’s voice at night. One evening after reading the story to Ian, I asked him if God had ever spoken to him.

To my surprise, he answered, “Yes.”

“What did God say to you?” I asked.

Ian thought and then said in his deepest voice, “Ian! Go to bed!”

That explained why Ian settles down more quickly when I’m outside his room and tell him to go to bed.

Humor #468

 When I worked as a medical intern in a local hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent.

It took me some time to understand that he had no insurance coverage.

One thing he had made clear was that he was a World War II veteran, so I had him transported to the Veteran’s Administration hospital, where he’d be eligible for benefits.

The next day my patient was back, with a note from the VA: “Right war, wrong side.”

—–

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years.

One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.

The manager says no.

The bagger says, “But I’ve been working here for five years. Why can’t I run the juice machines?”

The manager answers, “I’m sorry, son, but baggers can’t be juicers.”

 —–

 Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

 —–

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothing’, so what are you going to do?”

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43.”

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, “This is gross!” he yells.

I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith,” says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he starts, “I can’t remember!”

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43…”

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

Humor #467

 There are only three kinds of people: Those who are good in math and those who are not.

 —–

What do atheist’s do when stuck behind cars stopped at green lights with bumper stickers that say, “Honk if you love Jesus.”

—–

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?

“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

 —–

 A physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

 Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!

 Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

—–

The census taker knocked on the lady’s door. She answered all his questions except one: she refused to tell him her age.

“But everyone tells their age to the census taker,” he said.

“Did Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?” she asked.

“Certainly,” he replied.

“Well, I’m the same age as they are,” she snapped.

The census taker simply wrote on the form, “As old as the Hills.”

 

Humor #466

The pastor told the search committee, “If I am voted in as pastor of this church, I will work hard to bring us into the 20th century.”

Someone spoke up, “Uh, Preacher, don’t you mean the 21st century?”

The pastor replied, “Let’s take it one century at a time.”

—–

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said,

“I think he said: ‘Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 —–

 A man is being interviewed for a job. “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?”

 “The slightest noise wakes me up.”

—–

 “Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000! I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”

“Okay, you have six months to live.”

 —–

 From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.

“I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad.”

Humor #465

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?”

“No!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?”

Again the answer was “No!”

“Well”, she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

 —–

The fellow stormed into the postmaster’s office in a fury. “I’ve been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped.”

“Of course,” said the postmaster. “Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who’s sending them?”

“Yes,” shouted the man. “It’s those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service.”

—–

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection – a baseball bat – to the cash register.

“Cash or charge?” the clerk asked.

“Cash,” I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, “I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau.”

“Shall I giftwrap the bat?” the clerk asked sweetly. “Or are you going back there?”

 —–

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

“You know, honey,” I said sweetly, “Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.”

“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”

—–

 Instructor: “Isn’t it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?”

Parent: “Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to running the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner.”

Humor #464

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, “We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”

“Thank God,” returned the taxpayer. “I thought you were going to want cash.”

—–

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?”

“11” he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right. What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”

“Today and tomorrow.”

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

“Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

—–

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness,” her mother explained. “And today is the happiest day in her life.” The child thought about this for a moment. “So why is the groom wearing black?”

—–

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

—–

A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?”

The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!