Humor #525

Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man’s glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.

The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. “Don’t touch me!” he cries. “I’m on disability!”

—–

 As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: “And get ME a Coke…NOW!”

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot’s attitude, brings back a Coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:”Get me another Coke or I’ll really create a scene!”

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another Coke, but still no coffee.

Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I’ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!”

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: “You’re pretty bold for a guy who can’t fly!”

—–

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.

“No,” another contended.  “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted.  “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted, “the best prayin’ I ever did was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

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Humor #524

A Cub Scout troop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely, “Why are you so late?”

“Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping an old man cross the street.”

“That’s a nice thing for scouts to do,” said the mother. She paused. “But it shouldn’t make you half an hour late.”

“Well, you see,” said another boy, “he didn’t want to go.”

 —–

 One man said to the other, “You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can’t.

 —–

 Three immigrants to the U. S. were just mastering the language.

 One was telling the others about the difficulty they were having in attempting to start a family. He said, “I think my wife must be impregnable.”

 The second said,” that’s not the right word, she is inconceivable”.

 To which the third replied, “You are both wrong she is unbearable.”

 —–

 When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.

As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.

Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, “My son is a lawyer.”

As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.

“Only to mow my lawn.”

 —–

 At a recent church dinner, I took my three young children through the food line. As I juggled everyone’s plate and drink, I told the kids to be on their best behavior. When finally seated, I sighed with relief and told them they were doing great—that we hadn’t had any catastrophes yet.

 At that, my 3-year-old, Dawn, looked around and said, “Where are they, Mommy? I’ll go get them.”

Humor #523

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.

“What happened, Mother?” the daughter asked.

“I had to slap his face three times!”

“You mean he got fresh?”

“No,” she answered. “I thought he was dead!”

 —–

 A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?!?!?” he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: “Twenty dollars contempt of court! That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:

“That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I know. But I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.” 

 —–

 Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said “Louieville” and the other “Louiseville.” They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, “Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly.” The waitress goes, “Bur-ger-King.”

 —–

 A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he is cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”

Humor #522

My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way. Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over.

I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself from the ladder in the attic, I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam. Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands, and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt. On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two rungs and turned my ankle.

When I limped into the kitchen, my wife took one look and said, “Are those your good pants?”

—–

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company.  It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

“For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn’t you at all – $125.”

—–

One day, my son Jonathan came home from preschool with a picture of Adam and Eve he had colored. He began to tell me the story of creation, and it seemed as though he had his facts down pretty well. “Adam and Eve disobeyed God because they ate the fruit God told them not to eat,” he explained. Impressed by how much he knew, I pointed to the picture and asked, “What’s this place called?” Jonathan replied earnestly, “The Garden of Eating.”

Humor #521

A lawyer, a doctor, and a preacher went hunting together. When a prize buck ran past them, they all fired at the exact same moment and the buck dropped.

However, there was only one bullet hole, and they didn’t know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration center, not knowing who should tag it.

The agent said, “Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out.”

He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, “The preacher shot this buck!”

Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down, he pointed out the wound. “See here. It went in one ear and out the other.”

—–

 Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.

“It’s no use.” Robbie said, “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”

—–

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”

—–

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Pastor,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”

“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.

“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the church goer.

“Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”

Humor #520

 It was Super Bowl Sunday and in our Presbyterian church the time for the collection of tithes and offerings was approaching. The minister, a true sports enthusiast, reached into his pocket, took out a quarter, flipped it into the air, glanced at it as it landed, then in typical referee fashion joyfully announced:

“The ushers have elected to receive!”

—–

 As a fellow policeman and I were eating lunch in a cafe, we heard a woman nearby say loudly, “Jimmy, if you don’t eat all your peas, I’ll have those policemen come over and talk to you.” My friend promptly walked over to the five-year-old who was being scolded.

“Jimmy,” he said, just as loudly, “I’m six-foot-two and weigh 200 pounds. And I never ate a pea in my life.” As we left, the other patrons were laughing, Jimmy’s mother was absolutely silent, and a smiling Jimmy was no longer afraid of policemen.

—–

 Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife I’d have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.

Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice. I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.

“You won’t believe this,” she said, “but there’s a guy on the radio with the same problem!”

—–

 At my granddaughter’s wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”

—–

Humor #519

A couple is arguing about who should make the coffee in the morning. The wife says, “I think your should do it because you get up first.”

He counters with, “The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.” “No way,” she says. “You should do it. The Bible even says so.” “What the heck are you talking about?” She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and point to the appropriate section: “Hebrews”

—–

 Our three-year-old daughter, Lindsay, was used to attending Sunday school in a separate classroom where the children listen to Bible stories, sing songs, and color pictures. After a special family service during which she joined the rest of the family in the church sanctuary, we asked what she thought of the grown-ups’ church. She looked around the room, then thoughtfully replied, “It’s very nice—but where do you keep your crayons?”

—–

 Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Lisa got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her. “I can’t seem to get my car started,” Lisa said, smiling. “Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me? I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”

—–

 A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

“I think you’ve paid your debt to society,” he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.