Humor #456

“Sliced bread: The best thing since ripped up bread.”

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“I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.”

—–

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.

She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:

“When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.

When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”

—–

At a local church, the members take pride in the reverent behavior of the children during the sermons.

Asked how they engendered this profound respect for the Almighty, one elder explained to me:

“In each batch of new Sunday schoolers, I casually mention that we had to fire the artist who made the stained glass roof panels. I say he got fired for putting bad words in some of the artwork. Now, when energetic little boys get bored, they spend their time staring straight up!”

—–

 After Sunday school two little boys were standing in the church lobby. As they were talking a pretty little girl from their class walked by them.

One of the little guys said to the other, “When I quit hating girls, she’s the first one I’m going to quit hating.”

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Humor #455

How do you know you’ve met a good tax accountant?

He has a loophole named after him.

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My 7-year-old often asks for help in washing her long hair. One day I said, “You really need to learn to do this by yourself.”

“I know,” she replied. “I don’t want my husband to laugh at me when you have to come over and wash my hair every day.”

—–

Jennifer’s big formal wedding was fast approaching and she was delighted to hear that her Mom, Sheilah, emerging from a nasty divorce, had finally found the perfect mother-of-the-bride dress.

Two days later, she was shocked to learn that her new young stepmother, Fawn, had purchased the same dress.

She asked her stepmother to buy another dress since her Mom had already altered her purchase. Fawn refused.

After two more weeks of frustrated shopping, Sheila found a dress that was not as nice as the first, but would serve.

When asked by a friend what she would do with her original dress, she grinned and replied, “I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!”

 —–

A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey’s job to set the table.

But when it came time to eat, Joey’s mother said with surprise, “Why didn’t you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?”

“I didn’t think I needed to,” as everyone listened as Joey explained, “I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse.”

—–

 

Humor #454

Three-year-old Donna, who loved to pray before meals, would sometimes get carried away. Occasionally her pastor father would have to say, “Amen. That’s enough, Donna.”

One Sunday in church, as a lengthy benediction was being pronounced, Donna stood up and declared, “Amen. That’s enough, Daddy!”

—–

My wife and I were flipping through TV channels the other night, and we settled for a while on one of those wildlife programs — this one was about the cheetah.

A thought occurred to me. “You know why they’re endangered, don’t you?” I said.

She nodded. “It’s that old saying, ‘Cheetahs never prosper.'”

—–

One day I sat down with my daughter and explained with great pride that her grandfather was a preacher, her great-great grandfather was a preacher, and her great-great-great grandfather was a preacher.

To which she replied, “Wow! We sure come from a long line of grandfathers.”

—–

The girl came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried.

“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said. “Surely there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

—–

 

Humor #453

 In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the professor commented on each student’s major, trying to provoke a response. It was working – some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major.

“So,” asked my professor, “what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music?”

“He’s just thankful,” I shot back, “that I didn’t go into psychology.”

—–

Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

“I would like my grandchildren to say, ‘He was successful in business,'” declared the first man.

“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want them to say, ‘He was a loyal family man.'”

Turning to the third gent, he asked, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”

“Me?” the third one replied. “I want them to say, ‘He certainly looks good for his age.'”

—–

Two animals meet in the woods, both blind since birth. Neither one knows what kind of animal it is, so they decide to feel each other to try to figure it out.

“What do I feel like?” the first animal asked.

“You have soft fur all over you, strong back legs, big back feet, a puffy little cotton tail, two long ears, and a twitchy little nose.”

The first animal, full of joy, exclaimed, “I know what I am! I’m a bunny rabbit.”

“Now it’s my turn,” said the second animal.

The bunny felt him, describing, “You’re very long, narrow, and low to the ground. You’re cold and slimy. You have long, sharp fangs and a little forked tongue that keeps darting out of your mouth.”

“Darn,” sobbed the second animal. “I’m a lawyer.”

—–

 

Betty was soon to be married.

More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in. Betty’s mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent.

Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress.

When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her.

Tears ran down the face of Betty’s mother.

Seeing this, Betty said, “Don’t worry Mom, you’re not losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son.”

“Forget about that!” she said with a sob. “I used to fit into that dress!”

—–

 

Humor #452

“Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time – I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

—–

 The loaded mini-van pulled into a campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters’ father, “That, sir, is some display of teamwork.”

The father replied, “I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.”

—–

One day, I taught my young class the story of Jesus visiting Mary and Martha. I carefully explained how Martha had hurried to clean the house and cook a special meal. Then I paused and asked, “What would you do if Jesus was going to visit your house today?” One little girl quickly responded, “I’d put the Bible on the table!”

—–

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.”

Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”

“Lollipops,” was the reply.

—–

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.

The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.

The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

“How old are you?” No response.

The dentist then asked, “Don’t you know how old you are?”

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?”

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, “Can you talk?”

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, “Can you count?”

—–

 

Humor #451

“Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” – Anonymous

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My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.

The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream.

As they continued home, my sister blurted out, “Isn’t it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?”

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window.

However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, “Yes.”

—–

After the dedication service of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.”

—–

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

“I’ll admit I’m wrong,” the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, “if you’ll admit I’m right.”

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

“I’m wrong,” she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, “You’re right!”

Humor #450

Pastor Jim was driving along one day and saw a little boy trying to reach a doorbell. He stopped the car and got out to help the boy. He pressed the doorbell for him and said, “Now what do we do?”

“Now,” the boy said, “we run!”

 —–

A little boy got on the elevator in the Empire State Building in New York City. He and his daddy started to the top. The boy watched the signs flashing as they went by the floors: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70. They kept going, and he got nervous. He took his daddy’s hand and said, “Daddy, does God know we’re coming?”

—–

Todd’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Todd interrupted.

“I haven’t added them up yet.”

—–

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, “May I have two bagels to go, please?”

The baker said in astonishment, “Two bagels? Nothing more?”

“That’s right,” answered the little man. “One for me and one for Bernice.”

“Bernice is your wife?” Asked the baker.

“What do you think,” snapped the little man, “my mother would send me out on a night like this?”