Humor #484

Observations on Growing Older

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them…but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!

~When people say you look “Great”… they add “for your age!”

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything… movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

~You forget names …. but it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys–than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything …. especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that, you don’t care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep.”

~Remember when your mother said, “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, “I hope my kids GET married… Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words … “what?”…”when?”… ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s now not safe to wear it.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 p.m.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired …. you’d give anything if he’d find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet…2 of which you will never wear.

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Humor #288

Age Appropriate

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house — mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty and are covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: jeans with the hole in the knee, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age, you might do the following.

In your 20s:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know — you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean jeans and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the paint stain on the pocket of your jeans. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut cologne is almost empty, so you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart.

Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50s:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy’s bait shop and it says, “I Got Worms.”

In your 60s:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog poop off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don’t have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70s:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don’t even notice the dog poop on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80s:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.