Humor #659

Dieting – New Year Resolutions

2016: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2017: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2018: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2019: I will work out 3 days a week.

2020: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

—–

I went to my Doctor and he suggested I do some exercises. Here is my new regiment…

  1. Jump to conclusions
  2. Climb the walls
  3. Drag my heels
  4. Push my luck
  5. Make mountains out of molehills
  6. Bend over backwards
  7. Run in circles
  8. Put my foot in my mouth

—–

The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny’s had an odd element in it.

“Johnny, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?

“It’s the flea, teacher.”

“What flea?” asked the teacher.

To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse: “Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt. There’s Mary; there’s Jesus; and there’s the flea.”

—–

I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.

He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.

—–

 

 

Hummor #658

merry-xmas-fade

On the 90th day of Christmas, my true love said to me: “You take Christmas too seriously.”

—-

I don’t think I’ll attend Christmas dinner this year. 

My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she said she’s going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

—–

Top 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don’t like:

10) Hey! There’s a gift.

9.) Well, well, well…

8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would’ve fit.

7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

5.) If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1.) I really don’t deserve this.

—–

 

 

Hummor #657

Merry Christmas!

Organizational Changes at the North Pole

Organizational Changes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of the season’s gift distribution business. Online shopping and Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa’s market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Hummor #656

When  luggage goes missing.A student was heading home for the holidays.

When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York and as she gave the agent her luggage she asked,

“I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”

The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t to that.”

“Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”

—–

Christmas time is a season when many people are more interested in the present than the past.

—–

96villager1Many years ago, I was casting kids at our church for the annual Christmas play. I gave the children choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.

One 5-year-old couldn’t decide, so I said, “Luke, you can be a Villager.”

He said, “OK,” and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them:

“Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!”

—–

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation.

His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn’t help. Her son’s memory was blank.

Finally, she leaned forward and whispered the cue, “I am the light of the world.”

The child beamed proudly and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said,

“My mom is the light of the world.”

Humor #572

Chocolate Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds; now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
“In the morning I’ll starve…
’til I take that first bite!”

Humor #571

The Legend of the Christmas Tree Angel

merry-xmas-fade

A favorite story (repost from 2014)

 angeltree

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”

Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass…

Humor #570

HOLIDAY HUMOR

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?

They both drop their needles.

—–

Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the fancy Christmas dance?

It was a moth ball!

—–

Where does Santa go swimming?

The North Pool!

—–

What do you call a cat that likes to dig in the sand?

Sandy Claws

—–

I went to my friend’s house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top. I asked, “What’s the deal, no decorations?” Puzzled, he looked at me and said, “What do you mean? It’s a cartridge in a bare tree.”

—–

While helping my 5-year-old twins rehearse “Away in a Manger” for their Christmas concert, I struggled to explain the lyrics, “the cattle are lowing …” When I told them that people spoke differently in Old Testament times than they do today, my daughter, Robin, piped up, “Old Testament cows low—and New Testament cows moo!”

Advent was one week away so we thought we’d see what the children remembered from our family devotions the year before. “Who can tell me what the four candles in the Advent wreath represent?” I asked.

Luke jumped in with seven-year-old wisdom and exuberance. “There’s love, joy, peace, and … and … “

“I know!” six-year-old Elise interrupted to finish her brother’s sentence: “Peace and quiet!”