Humor #614

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

—–

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

—–

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

—–

Last, but not least, a great one:

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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Humor #613

A son says, ” Dad, do you know what the word Bible means?”

His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means? 

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?” “That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly,

“It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth”.

—–

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments” answered the lady, kindly…

—–

“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

—–

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

Humor #435

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, what is butt dust?”

Church was pretty much over at that point …

—–

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’

—–

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’ While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late, But please don’t shove me either!’

—–

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’,

‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’

—–

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’  He answered, ‘Call for backup.’

—–

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a babysitter.’

—–

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

—–

Humor #360

Church Signs

  1. “No God – No Peace? Know God – Know Peace.”
  2. “Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!”
  3. “Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.”
  4. “Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”
  5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”
  6. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the church reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”
  7. “People are like tea bags – you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”
  8. “Fight truth decay – study the Bible daily.”
  9. “How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Non-smoking?”
  10. “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”
  11. “Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”
  12. “It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”
  13. “Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”
  14. “If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”
  15. “If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”
  16. “Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”
  17. “This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?” —– (U R)
  18. “In the dark? Follow the Son.”
  19. “Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up.”
  20. “If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”
  21. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARKING – FOR MEMBERS ONLY, TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED! That took care of the problem!

—–

Humor #357

*Top Ten Signs You are At a Bad Baptismal Service*

10. The Coast Guard is involved.
9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.
8. Pastor wears scuba gear.
7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from “Jaws.”
6. The preacher uses a “Billy the Bass” singing “Take Me to the River” instead of the traditional “Shall We Gather at the River?”
5. You keep hearing the pastor saying, “Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn’t know about that drop-off!”
4. The pastor can’t get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for help.
3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.
AND THE NO. 1 SIGN YOU’RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE:
1. Two Words: Alka-Seltzer

Humor #340

You know you’re in trouble when …

Your accountant’s letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.

The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

 

Humor #318

12 Reasons Why A Local Minister Stopped Attending Sports Events

12) Every time I went, they asked me for money.

11) The people I had to sit with didn’t seem very friendly.

10) The seats were very hard.

9) The coach never came to call on me.

8) The referee made a decision I couldn’t agree with.

7) I had to sit with some hypocrites who were only there to see what others were wearing.

6) Some games went into overtime and I was late getting home.

5) The band played some songs I had never heard before.

4) The games are scheduled when I want to do other things.

3) I don’t want to take my children because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.

2) My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.

1) Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches, anyhow.

From the book _Holy Humor_ by Cal & Rose Samra.