Humor #435

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, what is butt dust?”

Church was pretty much over at that point …

—–

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’

—–

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’ While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late, But please don’t shove me either!’

—–

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’,

‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’

—–

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’  He answered, ‘Call for backup.’

—–

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a babysitter.’

—–

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

—–

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Humor #360

Church Signs

  1. “No God – No Peace? Know God – Know Peace.”
  2. “Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!”
  3. “Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.”
  4. “Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”
  5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”
  6. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the church reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”
  7. “People are like tea bags – you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”
  8. “Fight truth decay – study the Bible daily.”
  9. “How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Non-smoking?”
  10. “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”
  11. “Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”
  12. “It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”
  13. “Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”
  14. “If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”
  15. “If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”
  16. “Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”
  17. “This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?” —– (U R)
  18. “In the dark? Follow the Son.”
  19. “Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up.”
  20. “If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”
  21. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARKING – FOR MEMBERS ONLY, TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED! That took care of the problem!

—–

Humor #357

*Top Ten Signs You are At a Bad Baptismal Service*

10. The Coast Guard is involved.
9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.
8. Pastor wears scuba gear.
7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from “Jaws.”
6. The preacher uses a “Billy the Bass” singing “Take Me to the River” instead of the traditional “Shall We Gather at the River?”
5. You keep hearing the pastor saying, “Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn’t know about that drop-off!”
4. The pastor can’t get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for help.
3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.
AND THE NO. 1 SIGN YOU’RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE:
1. Two Words: Alka-Seltzer

Humor #340

You know you’re in trouble when …

Your accountant’s letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.

The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

 

Humor #318

12 Reasons Why A Local Minister Stopped Attending Sports Events

12) Every time I went, they asked me for money.

11) The people I had to sit with didn’t seem very friendly.

10) The seats were very hard.

9) The coach never came to call on me.

8) The referee made a decision I couldn’t agree with.

7) I had to sit with some hypocrites who were only there to see what others were wearing.

6) Some games went into overtime and I was late getting home.

5) The band played some songs I had never heard before.

4) The games are scheduled when I want to do other things.

3) I don’t want to take my children because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.

2) My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.

1) Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches, anyhow.

From the book _Holy Humor_ by Cal & Rose Samra.

Humor #284

What the Search Committee Really Means

Reading between the lines you hear on your candidating visit

Pastoral search committees have been known to be excellent spinmasters. In their attempts to land a pastor, they can say some revealing things about the church … if you know how to read between the lines. Here’s what PSC’s are likely to say, and what they really mean.

What the committee said: “We have a long and distinguished history as a congregation.” – What they meant: We haven’t done anything worth a hoot in the last decade.

“We don’t have stereotyped expectations for our pastor’s wife.” – She doesn’t have to play piano for junior church. But naturally, she’ll want to head up the women’s group.

“We want a pastor who’s an outstanding preacher, a compassionate counselor, a successful soul-winner, a gifted teacher, a strong motivator, and an efficient administrator.” – We have no clue what we want, but we suppose you’ll do.

“What is your philosophy of ministry?” – What tricks do you have to increase worship attendance?

“Our attendance has been declining, but our church has a lot of potential.” – You’re our last hope before we close the church doors.

“We want a pastor who can bring energy and life to worship.” – We need someone to get the organist to play the hymns faster.

“We plan to repair the parsonage just as soon as we get a new pastor.” – We plan to have our new pastor repair the parsonage.

“We think many former members will return if we get the right person as pastor.” – If you don’t get them back, it’s your fault.

“The chairman of our search committee has opened his home to you for your candidating weekend.” – Try to ignore the boa constrictor and nude pin-ups in his son’s room. You know how teenagers are.

“We’ll be happy to pay you for your moving expenses.” – Up to the budgeted $375.

“Don’t worry. We’ll be here to help you get acquainted with our church.” – We’ll watch you like a hawk, because we’re scared to death you might do something that will embarrass us.

“You’ll have two weeks of study leave and four weeks of vacation annually.” – And whenever you take any time away, someone will say he wishes HE had such an easy schedule.

“How much do you need to live on?” – That’ll be your salary for at least five years.

“As the church grows, your salary will grow, too.” – Fat chance!

“You won’t have to fight traffic getting to the office every morning.” – The parsonage is attached to the back of the sanctuary, and the baptistry doubles as your bathtub.

“We’re an easy bunch to work with.” – We’ll take is easy while you do the work.

James Dyet, David Goetz, Brian Larson, Mark Galli, Richard Doebler and Jim Berkley in Leadership, Vol. 13, no. 4.

Humor #282

Church is changing!

____________________

PASTOR: “The Lord be with you!”

CONGREGATION : And with your spirit”

PASTOR: “Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians, 13:13.

And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon.”

P-a-u-s-e……

“Now, Let us pray committing this week into God’s hands.

Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God”

S-i-l-e-n-c-e

“As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready.”

“You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password ‘Lord909887.’

The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:

a. Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.

b. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.

c. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transfer your contributions to the church account.

The holy atmosphere of St. Matthew’s becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements.

a . This week’s ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don’t miss out.

b. Thursday’s Catechism Study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don’t miss out.

c. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counselling and prayers.

God bless and have a nice day.

And Jesus wept…..