Humor #284

What the Search Committee Really Means

Reading between the lines you hear on your candidating visit

Pastoral search committees have been known to be excellent spinmasters. In their attempts to land a pastor, they can say some revealing things about the church … if you know how to read between the lines. Here’s what PSC’s are likely to say, and what they really mean.

What the committee said: “We have a long and distinguished history as a congregation.” – What they meant: We haven’t done anything worth a hoot in the last decade.

“We don’t have stereotyped expectations for our pastor’s wife.” – She doesn’t have to play piano for junior church. But naturally, she’ll want to head up the women’s group.

“We want a pastor who’s an outstanding preacher, a compassionate counselor, a successful soul-winner, a gifted teacher, a strong motivator, and an efficient administrator.” – We have no clue what we want, but we suppose you’ll do.

“What is your philosophy of ministry?” – What tricks do you have to increase worship attendance?

“Our attendance has been declining, but our church has a lot of potential.” – You’re our last hope before we close the church doors.

“We want a pastor who can bring energy and life to worship.” – We need someone to get the organist to play the hymns faster.

“We plan to repair the parsonage just as soon as we get a new pastor.” – We plan to have our new pastor repair the parsonage.

“We think many former members will return if we get the right person as pastor.” – If you don’t get them back, it’s your fault.

“The chairman of our search committee has opened his home to you for your candidating weekend.” – Try to ignore the boa constrictor and nude pin-ups in his son’s room. You know how teenagers are.

“We’ll be happy to pay you for your moving expenses.” – Up to the budgeted $375.

“Don’t worry. We’ll be here to help you get acquainted with our church.” – We’ll watch you like a hawk, because we’re scared to death you might do something that will embarrass us.

“You’ll have two weeks of study leave and four weeks of vacation annually.” – And whenever you take any time away, someone will say he wishes HE had such an easy schedule.

“How much do you need to live on?” – That’ll be your salary for at least five years.

“As the church grows, your salary will grow, too.” – Fat chance!

“You won’t have to fight traffic getting to the office every morning.” – The parsonage is attached to the back of the sanctuary, and the baptistry doubles as your bathtub.

“We’re an easy bunch to work with.” – We’ll take is easy while you do the work.

James Dyet, David Goetz, Brian Larson, Mark Galli, Richard Doebler and Jim Berkley in Leadership, Vol. 13, no. 4.

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Humor #282

Church is changing!

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PASTOR: “The Lord be with you!”

CONGREGATION : And with your spirit”

PASTOR: “Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians, 13:13.

And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon.”

P-a-u-s-e……

“Now, Let us pray committing this week into God’s hands.

Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God”

S-i-l-e-n-c-e

“As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready.”

“You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password ‘Lord909887.’

The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:

a. Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.

b. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.

c. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transfer your contributions to the church account.

The holy atmosphere of St. Matthew’s becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements.

a . This week’s ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don’t miss out.

b. Thursday’s Catechism Study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don’t miss out.

c. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counselling and prayers.

God bless and have a nice day.

And Jesus wept…..

Humor #266

Children in Church

 

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps,stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

 

One Sunday a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

 

One particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

 

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

 

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

 

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out..

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered, “It’s Adam ‘s suit”.

 

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

 

Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

 

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”

I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, “No, how are we alike?”

“You’re both old,” he replied.

 

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,

“Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the  King James Virgin ?”

 

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

 

Humor #141

Church Ladies With Typewriters

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’The sermon tonight:’Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:
‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’