Humor #419

Dogs And Computers: Same Or Different?

 

Favorite Food

Dogs: kibbles

Computers: bits

 

Method used to end undesirable behavior

Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper

Computers: hit control-alt-delete

 

After destruction of personal property

Dogs: dog not found

Computers: file not found

 

Favorite trick

Dogs: roll over

Computers: play dead

 

Comic-page hero

Dogs: Dogbert

Computers: Dilbert

 

Fun way to mess with their heads

Dogs: peanut butter on roof of mouth

Computers: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

 

Consequence of virus

Dogs: replace valuable carpeting

Computers: replace valuable data

 

Waste disposal tool

Dogs: pooper-scooper

Computers: CCleaner

 

Sensitive internal procedures

Dogs: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional

Computers: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this once

 

Method of marking territory

Dogs: lifting leg

Computers: “Designed for Windows”

 

Unique behavior

Dogs: lick and drag

Computers: click-and-drag

 

Inexplicable physical feature

Dogs: declaw

Computers: scroll lock key

 

Estimated lifespan

Dogs: 12 years

Computers: 12 months

 

Humor #398

Going Back, Progress

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when…

* Decisions were made by going “Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”

* Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “Do over!”

* “Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

* Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in “Monopoly.”

* Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

* It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best” friends.

* Being old referred to anyone over 20.

* The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

* It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb.

* It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn’t an Olympic event.

* Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

Humor #221

Laws of Computing

* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.

And if I may add – The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don’t understand is:

“I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard.”

Humor #170

Cars vs. Computers

General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers — but imagine if they did…


HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine. How can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”

HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”

CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”

HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”

CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

============

HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine. How can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”

HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”

CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know!?”

HELPLINE: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?”

CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”

HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.”

CUSTOMER: “What!? I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

============

HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine. How can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “Your cars stink!”

HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?”

CUSTOMER: “It crashed — that’s what went wrong!”

HELPLINE: “What were you doing?”

CUSTOMER: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t start!”

HELPLINE: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?”

CUSTOMER: “I want you to send me your latest version that doesn’t crash anymore!”

Humor #159

A senior trying to set a password

.

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourBehindIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourBehindIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Humor #148

Computer Acronyms (I admit these are a bit outdated)
For those computer literate souls out there:

computer-keyboard

ISDN – It Still Does Nothing

APPLE – Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI – System Can’t See It

DOS – Defective Operating System

BASIC – Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM – I Blame Microsoft

CD-ROM – Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW – World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH – Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM – Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL – Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

WINDOWS – Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO – Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT – Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers