Humor #430

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work

~ I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I’m startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

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Humor #172

Car Insurance Excuses

– The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

– The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

– I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

– Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

– The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

– As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeard in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

– The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

– An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

– I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

– To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

– A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

– The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

– I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.